Vindictiveness is a trait characterized by a strong desire for revenge, deep feelings of resentment and an inability to forgive or let things go. Sure, all of us have experienced times where we were angry at someone who wronged us. But the difference between an occasional grudge and a vindictive person is that they will take those feelings to an extreme.
Whilst not all vindictive people are narcissists, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that a lot of narcissists are vindictive. So how do you know if you’re dealing with a vindictive narcissist? Here are 12 behaviors to look out for.
1. They constantly bring up past wrongs.
Vindictive people are known to have a hard time forgiving others who have wronged them. Not only that, but they bring up these past mistakes in conversations, even when it isn’t relevant to the topic at hand. This behavior is not only a reminder of their hurt to others, but also serves as a method of seeking validation for their feelings.
According to Psych Central, vindictive narcissists feel extremely and permanently wronged by other people’s behavior, whether it be rejection, enforcement of boundaries, or any other perceived slight. It may not be that they have actually been wronged, but that is how it’s played out in the narcissist’s mind.
2. They are experts at manipulating the narrative.
If there was a Nobel prize for effortlessly using manipulation tactics for personal gain, it would easily be awarded to vindictive narcissists. They might do this through gaslighting, giving you the silent treatment, or triangulation. Darius Cikanavicius, a mental health coach who specializes in narcissism, says that triangulation is often a narcissist’s best play. They bring a third party into the relationship to create confusion, jealousy, and unrest.
They use these methods to break down the character and resolve of the person they believe wronged them while maintaining control over the narrative about themselves.
3. They seek revenge at all costs.
According to therapists working with victims of narcissistic abuse, vindictiveness is thought to be a defense mechanism the narcissist uses when they feel threatened, offended or insecure. One way that manifests is to seek revenge to take back control.
When vindictive narcissists seek out revenge, they don’t care who they hurt. All that matters is “getting back” at the person that wronged them, and they will take drastic measures to do so. This extreme desire for retaliation is driven by the belief that revenge will bring the situation back under their control, but it often backfires and leads to further conflict and emotional turmoil.
4. They lack empathy but always expect it from others.
A vindictive narcissist doesn’t think about how their actions affect others because they don’t have the ability to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. When someone lacks empathy in this way, they are not only focused solely on themselves, but also don’t even realize how their actions can have a cruel impact on others.
Despite this lack of compassion, they expect to receive it from others, always portraying themselves as the wronged party. No matter what type of situation it is, you can guarantee that a vindictive narcissist will play the victim. By deflecting responsibility for their actions through this narrative, it allows vindictive narcissists to garner sympathy from others and justify their anger. Julie L. Hall, founder of The Narcissist Family Files, an award winning international narcissism resource, says it also makes it difficult for others to detect their malicious tendencies.
5. They are hypercritical of others, but they’re easily offended themselves.
One of the most obvious signs of vindictive narcissism is how much and how often they criticize others. Constant criticism, even for minor issues, allows vengeful people to maintain the moral high ground over others while subtly punishing them for past grievances. It is not only a tool of control for them, but also a way to reinforce their feelings of superiority over others.
Although they enjoy scrutinizing others, vindictive narcissists are definitely not the kind of people who can handle receiving it. Because narcissists only think about themselves, they tend to get upset over things that most people wouldn’t be bothered by. The more sensitive they are to criticism, the more likely they are to try to “get back” at those who they believe have wronged them.
6. They blow hot and cold.
One aspect about narcissists most people know is that they will always keep you on your toes – and not in a good way. They can act welcoming and kind at one moment, and have extreme outbursts of what experts call “narcissistic rage” the next. This can lead to the people around them feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around that person to avoid triggering a meltdown.
For vindictive narcissists, even their seemingly kind moments might come with a sting. Take compliments, for example. They might say something like, “You look great for your age,” or “You look so much better without makeup,” leaving you unsure if you’re being complimented or insulted. These back-handed compliments are a tactic used by vindictive people to maintain an air of politeness while simultaneously inflicting emotional harm to others.
7. They use gossip to control and manipulate their victim narrative.
If there is one obvious characteristic associated with vindictive people, it is that gossiping – especially about those that have wronged them – is one of their favorite activities. They use it as yet another form of manipulation. It allows them to control the victim narrative we talked about earlier whilst simultaneously damaging the reputation of others. And in turn it provides them with a sense of satisfaction and validation about their feelings towards others.
8. They always need to be right.
Another common trait of vindictive narcissists is their incessant need to be right no matter the situation. According to Psychology Today, this likely stems from their grandiosity, that is, their inflated sense of superiority.
Even if they are in the wrong, they will often go to great lengths to attempt to prove their point. This behavior serves as a method to assert their superiority over others, as well as to maintain a sense of control.
Because of this need to be right, they perceive any challenge to their superiority as a personal slight or insult, which only serves to further exacerbate the vindictive behaviors outlined above.
Final thoughts…
Recognizing these signs of vindictiveness in someone’s behavior is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Vindictive narcissists are driven by a deep-seated need for control and retribution that can cause significant harm to those around them.
While it’s important to understand these behaviors, it’s equally vital to establish firm boundaries with such individuals. Remember, their actions stem from their own insecurities and psychological issues—not from anything you’ve done.
If you find yourself entangled with a vindictive person, particularly if they have other narcissistic tendencies, seeking support from trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals can provide the perspective and strength needed to navigate these challenging relationships.
