9 Signs You’re Being Too Nice to Your Adult Kids (And It’s Hurting Everyone)

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For many, parenthood doesn’t end just because their children grow into adults. Emotionally and mentally healthy parents don’t want to see their adult children struggle. They want them to live happy, satisfying, and secure lives. You may think your kindness and support are helping them to do that, but too much giving can prevent children from becoming responsible adults. To avoid that, let’s look at some signs that you are being too nice to your adult children, and the harm it can cause.

1. You drop everything for their needs.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help out when your adult kids need something. However, there should be limits and boundaries, otherwise you’re encouraging them to not handle their own responsibilities. Their failure to plan and make good use of their time is not a problem that you should be fixing for them. They need to learn to make accommodations for life’s responsibilities themselves.

As a parent, you should have plans to take care of your own needs. It’s common for a parent to want to explore hobbies, be with their friends, or do other things that just don’t include their adult children. After all, parents should have a life of their own outside of their relationship with their adult children.

You’re not just a parent, you’re a person, too. You should be able to have the opportunity to use some of your time for yourself. You can’t do that if you’re always dropping everything for your child.

2. You’re always helping them out financially.

Unfortunately, life is about money, and most people can always use more of it. Being an older parent often means having better finances than an adult child. Not always, but often. Helping out once in a while is fine, but they won’t learn how to handle their money responsibly if they know they can always just borrow from you.

Furthermore, parents who don’t have healthy financial boundaries with their adult children may find that they are dipping too much into their own funds. Money experts, CNBC, advise how important it is to prioritize your own financial needs and ensure you are financially sound before you think about gifting money. Don’t dip into those long-term investments and retirement savings and make your golden years harder.

3. You still do their chores for them.

Any adult (assuming they don’t have additional needs that prevent this) should be able to do basic chores like cooking, laundry, and cleaning because those responsibilities are part of being an independent person. In past years, in traditional relationships, it was common for mom to take care of the chores and kids. But that doesn’t work anymore for most. It undermines and destroys relationships.

I had a friend, let’s call him “James,” whose mom did everything for him and his dad. James expected the same when he started dating “Sarah”. The relationship fizzled out almost immediately because Sarah wasn’t interested in wiping the nose of a man-child for the rest of her life. So James went crawling back to his mother who continued to do all the chores for him.

James didn’t act like an independent adult because his parents didn’t model the behavior of one. His dad treated his wife like a maid, and his mom continued to enable this behavior, so that’s what James learned. And frankly, as his friend, I couldn’t take him seriously while he whined that Sarah wouldn’t work full-time, do the cooking after work, and all of the housework.

4. They live with you rent-free.

Learning the basics of financial responsibility is necessary to be a competent adult, otherwise you’re not going to make rent or your mortgage.

A parent who allows their adult child to live with them rent-free is encouraging them to not take responsibility for their everyday finances. Your adult child should contribute to the household expenses if they are going to live with you. It forces them to maintain a job and consider their spending, assuming you can enforce consequences for not paying. That may mean kicking your adult child out so they can learn that life isn’t going to do them many favors, if any.

But maybe you don’t need the money, and you don’t really mind. Instead, you could still charge your adult child rent but stick it away as savings to give them when they are ready to move out. The saved money can turn into a gift of a down payment, a rent deposit, or savings.

5. They feel entitled to you or your resources.

Gratitude and appreciation go a long way for maintaining healthy relationships. Appreciation should be given for help. Even a simple ‘thank you’ can be more than enough. Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein writes that entitlement is often the result of a lack of respect. It’s an expectation that you’re just going to give a person what they want, when they want it, regardless of how you feel about it.

Entitlement is bad, not only because it makes you feel unappreciated, but because it encourages your adult child to not take responsibility. They don’t have to think about their actions if they know that mommy or daddy will inconvenience themselves to bail them out.

Furthermore, their entitlement won’t stay limited to you. They will then start expecting the same kind of accommodation from other people in their life, romantic partners, and work. That’s a sure way to undermine their success.

6. They depend on you to solve problems.

Nurturing healthy problem-solving abilities starts at an early age. Many parents get sucked into the habit of fixing every problem their child experiences, denying them the ability to mature. Helicopter parents are the worst for this because they are teaching their child that someone else will always fix their problems. That’s just not how life works.

And frankly, it’s hard to take someone seriously when their mommy or daddy needs to fix their problems. An adult child cannot have their parent interfering in relationship problems, work conflicts, or other adult issues.

They need to learn how to solve their problems because you’re not always going to be there to fix things for them.

7. You feel guilty when you say “No.”

You should be able to tell your adult children “No” and have your decision respected. It’s likely that you’ve been enabling their bad behavior and encouraging entitlement if you feel guilt when saying “No”. Furthermore, you should never feel afraid to be able to tell your adult child “No”. If you are, that is a serious problem that likely needs to be addressed with a professional.

On the other hand, some parents just love their children so much that they can’t envision telling them “No”. A parent should want what’s best for their adult child. They want to see them succeed and be happy. But always saying “Yes” won’t help them do that, in fact it will do the opposite. It teaches them that others’ wants and needs always come first, which is not a healthy message when it comes to self-care and self-respect. Plus it may give them the false idea that they can always get what they want in their wider life.   

Even if you do feel guilty for saying “No” and your relationship is healthy, sometimes you just have to swallow that guilt because it’s what’s best for your adult child.

8. You want them to succeed more than they do.

You shouldn’t want another person’s success more than they do. You can offer support, encouragement, even push them as hard as you want, but if they don’t want it, they won’t get it. Success requires sacrifice, responsibility, and commitment.

You can’t force someone else to choose these things, because they’re hard to do. For many, it’s hard to choose to sacrifice comfort now for future results, follow through on difficult responsibilities, and manage their commitments. They’re not going to do it if they don’t want to, and you can’t force them to.

9. You feel resentful and exhausted.

There is a clear need for boundaries if you feel drained and resentful of your adult child. Those feelings are telling you that you’re giving too much of yourself without getting enough back from them. And getting things back from them doesn’t necessarily mean tangible things, it could also mean attention, appreciation, and care.

Everyone has different needs that can be met in a number of ways. The important thing is that you are either feeling happy or fulfilled by spending time with your adult child. Anything less than that may indicate a problem that needs to be addressed.

Final thoughts…

The most important part of any relationship is healthy boundaries. That is still true for parents who want the best for their adult children, and vice versa. You shouldn’t dread spending time with your adult child or assume that the only reason they are calling is because they need something. The world doesn’t revolve around them. It’s important that you feel happy and loved, too.

About The Author

Jack Nollan is a mental health writer of 10 years who pairs lived experience with evidence-based information to provide perspectives from the side of the mental health consumer. Jack has lived with Bipolar Disorder and Bipolar-depression for almost 30 years. With hands-on experience as the facilitator of a mental health support group, Jack has a firm grasp of the wide range of struggles people face when their mind is not in the healthiest of places. Jack is an activist who is passionate about helping disadvantaged people find a better path.