Life is about compromise, sure, but you simply cannot maintain self-respect (or expect others to respect you) without setting and enforcing certain non-negotiable boundaries.
So how do you know which things you should allow a little leeway for, and which should be set in stone? Here are 8 boundaries we’d recommend you never budge on.
1. Your right to say “No.”
People with weak or non-existent boundaries really struggle to say “no”. Or at least they struggle to say it without over-explaining and justifying their stance. But “no” is a one-word sentence that protects your boundaries, energy, and peace of mind. The world around you wants to take and take, whether that be acquaintances, work, family, or friends. Sometimes, you just have to say no to prioritize your well-being. No one else is going to take care of you as well as you can take care of yourself. Furthermore, no one should be expected to.
BrainLine informs us that the word “no” is necessary because other people can’t know what is too much or unacceptable for you. It’s an important part of healthy communication and self-respect. Furthermore, the people who care about you and your well-being will want to know if they are overstepping boundaries because they won’t want you to be uncomfortable.
2. Prioritizing your emotional and mental wellness.
There are too many people who don’t prioritize taking care of their emotional and mental health. This starts with identifying your key emotional boundaries so that you can enforce them. Granted, life isn’t always as easy as that and sometimes you just have to do things that aren’t necessarily the best for you whether you want to or not.
As a personal example, there were a couple of jobs I had to keep working until I could find something better. Even though it would have been better for my mental health to quit, I still had my bills to pay. I think that’s a relatable experience for a lot of people.
However, you can’t burn yourself to cinders trying to take care of other people without taking care of yourself. You won’t be able to do anything for anyone else if you are feeling entirely burnt out. Self-respect means prioritizing your mental and emotional wellness so that you can show up stronger in the areas of your life that matter, rather than being exhausted, anxious, depressed, and stressed.
3. Protecting your time and energy.
Time is the most precious commodity available because you can’t earn more time like you can with money. You only get 24 hours a day just like everybody else. That’s why you need to prioritize protecting your time and energy so you can make the most of it. Time-wasters can cost you dreams, goals, and relationships.
The time and energy boundary is most effectively enforced with the word “no”. You need to be comfortable saying “no” because other people will try to steal your time when you say “yes”. Many people will interpret one “yes” to mean you will always be agreeable, and they will continue to ask until you assert yourself.
Do you want to honor this request and do what’s being asked of you? Do you have the time, energy, and space for it? If the answer is “no”, then say “no”. That’s their problem to figure out, not yours. Respecting your time shows that you respect yourself.
4. Your right to privacy.
You are entitled to privacy. Other people may try to meddle in your affairs and relationships, and get nosy with your life – don’t let them. It’s not theirs to meddle in or make judgments about. Really, there are few other reasons to want to be in someone’s business other than to meddle or gossip about it.
Even in a healthy relationship, both partners should be okay with having a little privacy from one another. Not necessarily secrecy, though. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Michelle Herzog, tells us that the difference is that with secrecy there is the intentional hiding of a secret. On the other hand, privacy is knowing about something but not prying into it.
You don’t need to be 100% open about everything as long as you’re honest about it, for example, by saying something like, “I would rather keep that to myself.” Of course, different people have different boundaries when it comes to privacy, with some more open than others. However, you shouldn’t allow yourself to be pressured into sharing what you don’t want to share.
If you need to be firmer, we’ve got some great boundary setting phrases you can use to maintain your self-respect in a polite and dignified way.
5. Being mistreated or disrespected.
Don’t tolerate negative behavior directed at you. You have to stand up for yourself if you are being mistreated, manipulated, or disrespected regardless of who is doing it. That may mean cutting off or limiting time with harmful friends and family. At work, it could mean filing a complaint or standing up for yourself if you’re being treated badly. In really bad circumstances, you may have to change your situation altogether by finding a new job or ending a relationship.
There’s an old saying, “You teach other people how to treat you”. That saying refers to the fact that many people will treat you only as well as you treat yourself. And how you enforce your boundaries is key to this. If you let someone repeatedly disrespect your boundaries, you are teaching them that it’s ok. It would be wonderful if everyone was kind, thoughtful, and nice; but they aren’t. Most people are in their own little world and thinking mostly about themselves. That’s why you have to stand up for yourself.
6. The morals and principles you live by.
Your values and beliefs, and how you act on them, define yourself to the world around you. If you’re living true to yourself, then other people are likely to know where you stand morally. Of course, that’s not always an easy thing in some social circles, particularly if you don’t agree with the rest of the group. People want you to conform, often at your expense.
On the other hand, it’s a difficult time for a lot of people who don’t fit stereotypical social expectations. It’s all well and good for an article on the internet to tell you how important it is to stand by your morals and principles, and it is. But you also have to consider your safety. Sometimes, it’s just not safe to do that, and you should always err on the side of caution first.
7. Your ambitions, dreams, and goals.
What you want out of your life is your business, first and foremost. It’s your life. No one else is living it. You don’t need negative commentary on your goals and dreams just because someone else doesn’t like them. In fact, it’s a sign of self-respect to really examine your relationship with someone if they choose to criticize you or put you down for dreaming bigger.
The truth is that there are a lot of bitter, jaded people out there. They say you can’t do it because they are holding on to their own failures and unhappiness. They may also be criticizing you to control you. After all, how will you be under their thumb if you’re off pursuing your goals? There are a lot of negative people out there who want you to be as unhappy as they are. Don’t be. It’s your life.
8. Continuous violation of your boundaries.
What ultimate boundary should you never compromise on to maintain your self-respect? Your boundaries. That is, you cannot tolerate someone who continuously disrespects any boundaries that you have set for your well-being. That’s a huge red flag. You set boundaries to protect you, to keep you happy and healthy. You shouldn’t feel guilty or be made to feel guilty about enforcing them.
However, if you are new to setting boundaries, you will likely find that your relationships change. You’ll find that there are people who only value you for what you can do for them. Once you stop filling that role, they discard you because you’re no longer useful. This is normal and to be expected.
Sometimes boundaries end friendships and relationships for other reasons. Some people just aren’t compatible, and that doesn’t come to light until some boundaries are set.
Final thoughts…
Boundary setting will generally go one of three ways. Either the person affected will respect the boundary and the relationship continues, or they won’t respect your boundary and you have to limit your interaction with them, or a serious incompatibility in the relationship surfaces.
As an example, let’s say you have a boundary where you don’t like swearing because it makes you uncomfortable and you feel really strongly about it. The person you’re telling that to has to decide how to respond to that boundary. They can choose to accept it and censor themselves around you, or they can decide they would prefer not to, and the friendship breaks.
But then you might say, “Well, was it a good friendship to begin with?” Depends. It’s very possible that you overestimated how good the friendship was. They may have only thought of you as a casual friend rather than someone they wanted to ensure they kept in their life.
And that’s okay. Not everyone is meant to be a forever friend. Most people are acquaintances or casual friends, like two ships passing in the night.
Boundary setting will change your relationships. It may be painful at the time, but it’s for the best.
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