Civil disagreement seems like a lost art nowadays. Hot button topics that people didn’t used to talk about in polite company are now front and center. In the past, people didn’t talk about charged subjects because it was likely to cause an argument. But, society has changed for the better, and we talk about these things more now.
Civil disagreement remains a challenge with so much chaos and animosity between people. But if you want people to listen and take on board your perspective, you have to be civil even when you disagree.
The following tips will help you maintain your cool when discussing controversial topics with others. And who knows, you may even find you can get along with them, despite your fundamentally different views.
1. Assume the person has good intentions.
Respect matters if you want to be heard and understood. You can’t come into a conversation looking for a fight, or else that’s what you’re going to get. People who are made to feel on the defensive either won’t engage or they will just fight back. Either way, you’re not likely to have a good discussion.
Most people don’t set out to hurt others. They are just trying to get through their day, pay their bills, and find a little happiness in life. Of course, that’s hard to believe if you scroll social media or spend too much time online. Yes, there are some toxic, malicious people out there.
However, don’t go into a difficult conversation believing that the other person is an enemy that wants to harm you – unless they actually are.
2. Develop and practice active listening.
Different kinds of listening produce different results. Those not knowledgeable about active and empathetic communication may not listen to hear or understand. They are often just acting like they’re listening, waiting for their turn to throw back a response they’ve already prepared. Ann Chastain of Michigan State University writes that it’s critical to pay attention to the points being made to demonstrate active listening.
Active listening is a skill you develop. Personally, I wasn’t good at it for a long time. I was probably in my 30s before I really took the time to learn how to actively listen. I can see with certainty that not only did it make having heated discussions easier, but it also improved my friendships and relationships because I was better able to understand what was being said rather than just hearing it.
People feel disrespected when you’re not actually listening to understand what they’re saying. Naturally, that causes defensiveness and hurt feelings, which can spiral into an argument. One good way to demonstrate active listening is to say, “If I’m understanding you correctly…” then state your interpretation of their words back to them.
Even if you don’t get it exactly right, they can offer a correction, and then you can continue the discussion civilly.
3. Address the statement rather than attacking the person.
A discussion is about exchanging and understanding ideas. Ideas can be interesting or stupid, well understood or not. Sometimes, you’ll run into someone who clearly doesn’t know what they’re talking about, expressing stupid, harmful, or ridiculous ideas. If you’re truly interested in a civil discussion, you have to be tolerant and avoid insulting or implying an insult to that person.
How do you do that? Well, you avoid using “you” statements and focus on the message rather than the method of delivery. Instead of, “You believe that? How stupid can you be?” you would have much greater success and cause less offense with a respectful phrase like, “I don’t agree with that because of this reason…”
The more accusatory tone and language you use, the more likely the discussion is to break down into a screaming match.
4. Instead of trying to win, ask questions.
It is a rare occasion when you’re going to engage someone in conversation and just immediately change their mind on a subject. They will not listen if you are only focused on winning. Instead, the best way to convince is to come together and address the problem you’re discussing.
Leadership training experts discuss the importance of solving problems versus winning the argument. Winning the argument is a short-term victory that doesn’t serve much long-term purpose. Instead, addressing and solving a problem can help you reach a better understanding with the person you’re talking to and create long-term change.
Instead of arguing point-by-point, ask open-ended questions that will make them think about their stance. Most importantly, you want them to think about why they believe what they do. You have a much better chance of swaying someone’s opinion if you can empower them to understand why their perspective may be misguided or incorrect.
They may not realize it just then. It may take time for them to think about the situation and come to a different conclusion after the fact. But, planting seeds is sometimes the best you can do.
5. Take a break when you recognize emotions are taking over.
Suggest taking a break or coming back to the topic later if you find that a discussion is starting to break down into an argument. A good five-minute break can be the difference between a calm conversation and a screaming match that just doesn’t need to happen.
People tend to stop trying to comprehend when they’re angry. Instead, they are just trying to throw back as much anger at you as they feel you are throwing at them. That creates a cycle that you can easily fall into by doing the same, resulting in a pointless argument that goes nowhere.
6. Acknowledge subjectivity while sticking to facts.
Subjects like politics and religion are difficult to discuss because they often reflect upbringing and the social groups that a person is a part of. Many people don’t stop to examine why they think or believe what they do. Instead, they just remain in the beliefs and patterns they grew up in as part of their identity.
However, facts are facts. Yet people’s subjective opinions clash with facts, which is why disagreement and conflict arise. The challenge is finding a way to stick to the facts, acknowledging subjectivity, while not being insulting about it.
As an example, let’s say you’re talking to a Flat Earther. It’s a fact that the Earth is round. But why would someone believe otherwise? Maybe they’re a smart person in some ways and not so smart in others? Maybe they got sucked into that sphere because they were lonely and vulnerable? Maybe they are mentally ill, and reality isn’t making sense at the moment?
Subjectivity doesn’t always make sense. If their opinions don’t, then it’s worth keeping in mind that they may not be coming from a rational perspective, and arguing will just make things worse.
7. Accept that you may not change their mind.
Acknowledge a conversation or discussion as that and nothing more. There’s a good chance you may not convince someone to change their mind, but you can plant seeds that will help them think differently in the future. Sometimes, they just need more time to think about it or contextual information they don’t have right now.
The trajectory of a conversation tends to go better when you know you aren’t likely to change their mind. That way, you can keep yourself from getting angry when you feel like you’re just talking to a brick wall. It also helps to keep a cool enough head to know when it’s time to step away from the conversation altogether.
Many people who do change their opinions need time to process and understand why they might be wrong. It’s a wonderful day when someone comes to you weeks later and says, “I’ve thought about it a lot more, and I realize you’re right.”
8. Know when it’s time to walk away.
The truth is that not every debate is worth having. It’s not worth it if the other person isn’t willing to engage respectfully. It’s also not worth it if it gives someone the opportunity to platform vile, evil opinions that harm others. If someone feels such anger in their heart about a particular social belief, then don’t expect to have a civil, rational conversation with them. Rationality doesn’t work with the irrational.
Instead, consider what purpose this conversation will have. Are you trying to learn something? To better understand why they think the way that they do? Well, that’s a good reason to have a conversation. However, you can never go into those conversations expecting something good to come of it. It may just serve as a tool for reinforcing their beliefs rather than changing them.
Final thoughts…
The only way to arrive at a solution is to communicate. Most people are just trying to get through their day with a little peace and security in their lives. They aren’t necessarily malicious, but their opinions may not come from an informed place.
Difficult conversations are the way to find common ground and solutions. Of course, some beliefs are intolerable, and to tolerate them only enables them to spread. Beliefs that harm other people should always be challenged; just be sure you’re safe and smart when it comes to standing up for what you believe in.
