Do you find that people seem annoyed or unimpressed to see you, rather than being enthusiastic when you arrive? Or have people started avoiding meeting up with you or leaving you on read? If so, you may be demonstrating these off-putting behaviors a bit too often. Should any of them seem familiar to you, aim to put a stop to them at once.
1. Airing all your woes before asking how they are or whether they have the capacity to process your issues.
Ask yourself whether you ask your friends, family members, or colleagues how they’re doing when you see them or whether you immediately launch into a diatribe about everything that ails you. Furthermore, determine whether you ask if people have the bandwidth to handle your woes before dumping them on everyone around you. If you don’t, you’re probably coming off as an emotional vampire, according to Psychology Today. It’s likely people dread talking to you or feel exhausted after spending time in your company because your behavior is so emotionally draining.
2. Gloating about other people’s misfortunes.
It’s one thing to have schadenfreude when watching fail videos in which nobody gets seriously hurt and another altogether to take sincere joy or amusement at other people’s misfortunes.
Tactless behavior such as cracking jokes about illness, loss, divorce, or similar difficulties shows a severe lack of empathy and won’t earn you points with anyone. You may think everyone is laughing along with you, but it’s likely that they will walk away after, hoping not to bump into you again anytime soon.
3. Overstepping other people’s personal boundaries because of your own wants.
You might be the type of person who loves long, fierce, lingering hugs or abundant cheek kisses, but that doesn’t mean that those around you enjoy giving or receiving those in turn. Don’t assume everyone likes what you do. It’s always best to check first, “Do you want a hug?” and if you don’t feel comfortable checking, it’s safer to err on the side of caution. It’s always better to assume they don’t want to be manhandled than to assume they do.
The bottom line is that if you want people to want to spend time with you, make sure that you respect their personal boundaries, especially when it comes to physical affection.
4. Being critical.
When you meet up with people in your social circle, take note of the things about them that you comment on. Do you instantly hone in on changes to their body, like weight gain, hair loss, or signs of aging? Or tell them that they look tired? Keep such observations to yourself. You might think this behavior comes from a place of love and care, but even so, no one wants to have their appearance deconstructed and “lovingly” berated every time they see you. This kind of behavior is a surefire way to alienate yourself.
Granted, this can be tricky for neurodivergent folk such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD) as they often speak more directly and struggle with impulse control. Whilst you shouldn’t be forced to change your natural communication style, try to focus on the positives when you see someone. You can be direct and to the point without highlighting the negatives.
5. Making comments about their past choices.
A friend or family member who’s expressing their personal difficulties with parenting doesn’t need you to remind them that they made the conscious decision to procreate. Similarly, someone who’s struggling with job dissatisfaction doesn’t need to be told that they should have chosen a different university major.
It’s ok to struggle with something even though it was your choice. If you want people to look forward to your company, try listening and validating their experience instead. But of course, if all they do is moan at you every time you meet, you might want to consider whether you genuinely want to spend time with this person either.
6. Going on at length without letting others speak.
Many people groan inwardly when an acquaintance or relative who’s known for dominating conversations and prattling on incessantly for hours on end shows up at a gathering. It’s great that you’re eager to talk to people you like, but be sure to chat with them, not at them.
There are many reasons why someone might talk too much, as well as strategies to help. Again, one common reason is neurodivergence because of the natural way autistic and ADHD brains are wired. Autism Understood tells us this behavior is partly because of monotropism. That is, the tendency to focus strongly on a small number of things at a time (often very passionately) and finding it difficult to spread their attention between other things. So an autistic or ADHD-er might become very passionate talking about something and find it extremely difficult to also pay attention to their conversation partner’s facial expression, body language, etc. This may mean they miss social cues that suggest the other person has lost interest.
This is a natural and normal communication style for a neurodivergent person that they shouldn’t be made to feel bad about. Neurodivergent people often enjoy this “info-dumping” style of conversation when talking to each other; however, miscommunication can happen when neurodivergent and neurotypical people are talking.
This can be avoided by both parties being upfront. The neurodivergent party can say, “Sometimes I get in the zone and don’t realize I’ve been talking for so long, so please do let me know if I’ve missed a cue,” or “I’m autistic/ADHD and get really passionate when talking, so feel free to interrupt me!” And, according to Adina Levy, a neuro-affirming speech therapist, the neurotypical party can set some boundaries whilst still being respectful, clear, honest, affirming, and fair. For example, “I’ve really enjoyed hearing about that. I’d love to share my experience now.”
7. Speaking negatively about their spouse/partner.
People choose their life partners for many reasons, none of which involve you and your opinions. Nobody wants to hear others put down their loved ones, especially those they’ve chosen to grow old with. If you don’t like their spouse, that’s fine — but remain positive and encouraging about them nonetheless. They aren’t going to want to spend time with you if you don’t.
8. Overtly correcting them.
Everyone makes mistakes with pronunciation at times, but it’s rude to correct them overtly. You’ll make them feel small, stupid, and embarrassed, and this sort of behavior is a surefire way to ensure they never want to see you again. No one likes being corrected, and with good reason.
If you feel you must correct them at all, for example, because you want to do them a favour in case they make the same mistake in an important meeting, be subtle about it. You can casually repeat the word they’ve mispronounced, but say it properly so they can hear it. For example, if they say that they’re “FUSStrated” with an issue, mention how FRUStrated you get about things like that, too.
9. Putting down aspects of yourself that they share as well.
Friends or family members who have freckles won’t love it if you go on at length about how much you despise yours because you think they’re hideous. Similarly, commenting on how pathetic and useless you feel because of a health concern will make others with similar health issues feel immensely self-conscious.
This isn’t about denying your own feelings but rather being aware that when you berate yourself, you may be inadvertently putting someone else down, too.
10. Playing the fool.
Childish antics and pratfalls might have been amusing when you were in your teens, but they are decidedly off-putting in adulthood. Try to behave with a modicum of dignity and self-respect befitting your age, instead of acting like you’re decades younger and thinking that others find your behavior endearing. They don’t.
11. Repeating the same stories they’ve heard a thousand times already.
If you’ve known these people for some time, chances are high that you’ve told them all your amusing or engaging anecdotes several times over. If you don’t have any new stories to share, get out and make some new memories, or remain silent and let others talk instead.
Granted, this behavior can be partly memory-related, particularly as you get older and you’re juggling many different things. If you haven’t seen someone for a while, it can be hard to remember whether you’ve already caught them up on some event in your life.
To avoid repeating yourself endlessly, you can simply say, “I can’t remember if I already told you this…” and then start telling your news. Then, pause and give them the opportunity to confirm whether it’s new information for them. That way, no one is dying of boredom and dreading your company.
12. Taking incessantly without reciprocating.
Nobody is ever happy to see someone who skips out on bills once shared meals are over or who constantly asks for help with things but is never available in turn. No one wants to be in a one-sided relationship, whether that’s friendship, romantic or with co-workers.
If you want people to actually enjoy your company, curb this behavior by ensuring that you give as much as you take rather than using those you claim to care about. If you don’t, you’ll likely become that toxic friend that everyone can’t stand and tries to avoid.
