How can I stop letting people treat me like a doormat?
Are you tired of constantly putting other’s needs before your own?
Do you feel as though you’re being treated like a doormat?
If so, follow this advice to stop letting people do that to you.
1. Improve your self-respect.
Do you respect yourself? People who respect themselves do not stand around and let other people mistreat them. They know that they are valuable and do not deserve to be treated badly by anyone.
Of course, some situations are different than others. Sometimes you just have to swallow the behavior and bear it, like in the case of a bad manager at a job that you need.
However, in other situations, you shouldn’t hang around in relationships or situations that put you down.
Take care of your mental and physical health. Learn stress management, get regular sleep and exercise, and cut back on things like caffeine, energy drinks, or substances.
Set meaningful, attainable goals that can help you feel accomplished. That feeling of accomplishment will remind you, “Hey! I’m a capable, able person!” Keep a record of your achievements and skills so you can go back, read them, and remind yourself of them when you’re feeling low.
Avoid self-deprecating remarks about yourself. Some people find self-deprecating jokes funny—and sometimes they are. The problem is that people without healthy self-esteem or self-respect often use self-deprecating jokes to tear themselves down under the guise “of just joking.” But they’re not joking.
What you say to yourself about yourself matters. Develop more loving language and affirmations to say to yourself instead.
Take some time to sit down and think about your core values. Use them as an inner compass when you’re facing a difficult decision. In doing so, you’ll help develop your confidence and remind yourself that you can make good decisions.
2. Learn what healthy relationships look like.
Relationships can be tricky when you don’t know what is and is not okay. Our perceptions of relationships are often formulated based on the people we spend time around.
The problem is that sometimes we’re surrounded by unhealthy people which makes unhealthiness look normal. Then, since we assume that’s normal, we carry those unhealthy behaviors into other relationships which make them difficult and painful.
You’ll feel more confident in setting boundaries when you know what is and is not okay. In a relationship, you always have the right to:
– Make mistakes without being berated or bullied.
– Change your mind or preferences without feeling or being made to feel guilty.
– Say no without being made to feel bad, punished, manipulated, or coerced into changing your opinions.
– Be treated with respect. No one has the right to threaten, intimidate, or bully you.
3. Think about your personal boundaries.
A boundary is a hard line that should not be crossed in a relationship. Essentially, they define what you will and won’t tolerate from others.
Clear, defined boundaries can prevent others from treating you like a doormat.
For example, you may set a boundary of never lending people money. By setting that boundary, no one can take advantage of you financially by asking for money and never paying you back.
Boundaries can sometimes shift and change. For example, you may be happy to check in on your friend’s dog when she’s away for a weekend. However, you draw your boundary at taking the dog into your home for a week.
It’s okay if your boundaries change as long as you communicate them clearly. Don’t expect others to know or assume your boundaries. Communication about your boundaries is ultimately your responsibility.
If someone asks you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself, “Does this cross one of my boundaries?” If the answer is yes, then you need to enforce your boundary by saying no or asking them to change their behavior.
4. Practice saying “no.”
Saying “no” is an important skill for enforcing your boundaries. You may have heard the saying, “The word ‘no’ is a complete sentence.” And while it’s true you have the right to say no without explanation, it doesn’t always work out that way.
In reality, you may feel too awkward to just say no or you may find that some discussion does need to happen for the sake of the relationship. If you do engage in conversation to not be treated like a doormat, don’t use elaborate explanations or reasoning. Something as simple as, “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” can communicate a lot.
You can also try making a suggestion that feels more comfortable for you and respects your boundary. Compromise is a better solution in relationships you want to maintain.
5. Ask for better treatment.
The ability to say “no” to requests that make you feel uncomfortable is a great start to developing your self-respect so that you’re not treated like a doormat. The next step is learning how to ask someone to change their behavior when they mistreat you. The following short process will help.
– Think about how you feel.
– Express when you feel that way.
– Express what you would like to change.
For example:
“I feel hurt when you make fun of my hobby that I really love. I would appreciate it if you would stop doing that.”
“I feel afraid when you start yelling. I don’t want you to yell around or at me anymore.”
You can call them out if they repeat the behavior. If they refuse to meet your boundary, then you’ll need to show yourself some respect and decide how you can best stand up for yourself.
This may be something like removing yourself from the situation or even ending a relationship to stop the bad behavior.
6. Be clear about the consequences of continued behavior.
If you’ve asked someone to change their behavior and they keep overstepping your boundaries, you don’t have to give them another chance. It’s up to you to decide whether or not to forgive them or continue the relationship.
If you do want to give them a second chance, you may want to spell out what you will do the next time they overstep your boundaries. But, only do this if you’re willing to follow through. The other person won’t take you seriously if you don’t follow through.
7. Use assertive nonverbal communication.
Assertive body language makes you appear and feel more confident. When you need to project assertive body language, keep the following in mind:
– Do not fidget.
– Sit or stand upright. Practice good posture.
– Make eye contact.
– Maintain a sincere facial expression. Don’t grin or frown.
– Don’t lean in too close or lean away. Stay a reasonable distance from the person.
– Mind how you gesture. Avoid pointing as this can be interpreted as aggression.
8. Judge by their actions, not words.
Listen more to a person’s actions than their words. Words are easy. They require virtually no effort to speak. Actions, on the other hand, go a long way to prove a person’s intentions.
No matter how nice the words sound, they mean nothing unless accompanied by respectful behavior.
For example, someone might be taking advantage of you but say things like:
“How could you think I was using you? We’ve been friends for years!”
“I’m your partner. I’d never take advantage of you.”
Look for mismatches between words and actions. It’s less difficult than it seems. If a person claims to respect you, do you feel respected? Do you feel good when interacting with that person? Do you feel like they care about you and your needs?
Once you can establish that, you can decide to be firmer with your boundaries. If it’s a continuing problem, it may be time to end the relationship.
If someone often does or says things that they later deny, you are likely being manipulated. If you feel like it’s making you question your reality, then it falls into the territory of gaslighting. Both are considered emotional abuse.
9. Know that you don’t have to save every relationship.
Friendships and romantic relationships don’t always work out, and that’s okay. Very few friendships or relationships last a lifetime. Don’t sacrifice your self-respect and be a doormat just to save a relationship.
You may need to respond to someone who disrespects your boundaries or mistreats you by ending the relationship.
This doesn’t mean you failed or that you aren’t a good person. It just means that it’s time to move on to people who will treat you better.
10. Be ready for resistance.
Be prepared for some resistance when you start setting boundaries to stop trying to please everyone.
If someone is used to you saying “yes” or just going along with what they want all the time, they will likely be surprised or annoyed when you start acting less agreeable. Be consistent. People who love and value you will typically try to adapt.
But you may be in an abusive relationship if you don’t feel safe enough to stand up for yourself and talk about boundaries. In this case, your first priority should be to stay safe and look for help from appropriate authorities.
11. Seek help from a mental health professional.
There may be other underlying mental health concerns if you are regularly treated like a doormat and can’t seem to make progress out of that mindset.
It could be that you have unaddressed trauma, mental illness, or some other mental health concern that is affecting your self-perception and self-respect.
If you find that you can’t seem to make progress or feel confused, it would be best to seek help from a certified mental health professional.
