Why do guys blow hot and cold?
The early days of dating someone are exciting—you feel a bit all over the place, but in a good way! The guy you like seems to like you back…until he doesn’t. It’s really confusing when a man goes hot and cold on you, and you might be left wondering where this has come from. Lucky for you, we’ve done the hard work and put together a guide on your emotional-rollercoaster of a crush.
1. He’s genuinely not sure how he feels.
The most obvious reason he is messing you around is that he is confused and doesn’t know how he feels about you. Maybe he’s not long come out of a relationship, or perhaps he hasn’t dated much and is a bit nervous. If he’s into you sometimes, there’s reason to hope. He might be pulling away every so often because he’s not 100% sure of his own feelings yet and he doesn’t want to lead you on by being too keen.
2. He’s trying to play it cool.
If he takes his time to reply to your messages but then seems really happy to see you, he might just be trying to play it cool. Rather than coming across as ‘too interested,’ he’s hanging back a little bit. Perhaps he is playing a few games because he thinks that’s just what you do, or because it has worked for him in the past.
3. He’s keeping you keen by being mean!
“Treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen” is rather old-fashioned dating advice that is still spread to this day by so-called pickup artists on social media. This guy might believe that by acting cold, you’ll desperately want him to be hot with you again. That you’ll become more interested in him simply by him seeming less interested in you.
4. He’s doing the same with someone else.
If he’s acting hot one minute and then turns cold the next, there is a chance he’s stringing you along—as well as someone else. He might find it hard to keep up with seeing you both, which is why he’s so inconsistent. He’s distracted because his attention is divided by two or more people.
5. He’s dealing with other issues right now.
However much a man likes you, he is still human. If he’s been a bit all over the place recently, try to cut him some slack. He might be really busy or be dealing with personal issues. Men deal with their inner struggles and personal issues in a way women do not always understand, so when they go hot and cold, it may not be due to his feelings for you.
6. He’s trying to take things slowly.
There’s a chance he thinks things are moving too fast and wants to slow them down a bit. He might be genuinely interested in you but not be ready to take the relationship to the next stage. If you’ve just started dating and he’s sending mixed messages by blowing hot and cold with you, he might just be trying to pace things.
7. He’s afraid of commitment.
Committing to him might not feel scary to you, but he might be terrified of what committing to you might mean. His commitment issues might stem from something such as a bad breakup or his childhood experiences, but they are very real. As soon as he senses things are becoming serious, he might pull away to reduce the intensity of his feelings and to avoid the pain of rejection.
8. He is using you.
If he’s keen to see you one moment and disappearing on you the next, there’s a chance he’s using you. He comes on strong when he wants sex or companionship or something else from you. He charms you into giving him what he wants. But as soon as he’s got that thing, he’s off again.
9. He’s not over his ex.
If it’s not been long since he came out of his last relationship, he might still have feelings for his ex that conflict with the feelings he has for you. Conversely, it might be the pain of the breakup that is stopping him from giving all of himself to you just yet. If he hasn’t closed the book on one relationship, he might be cautious about opening the book on a new adventure with you.
10. He has an avoidant attachment style.
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style crave intimacy but are also fearful of losing intimacy. They often feel unworthy of love and so never initiate intimacy with others. Those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, are so fiercely independent and often distrustful of others that they may reject a partner whom they feel they are getting too close to.
11. He’s overwhelmed by his emotions.
When a person gets those ‘big’ feelings for someone, it can fill their whole body and mind with a sort of energy. There’s a chance that this guy is blowing hot and cold toward you because his feelings have become intense and he simply doesn’t know how to handle them. He pulls away when it gets too much, then comes closer again once he’s had a break from you and a chance to get his head straight.
12. He craves your attention but leaves once he’s had his fill.
If this guy feels validated and like he is ‘enough’ when he receives the attention of a potential romantic partner, it could explain his behavior. He comes running to you appearing all keen, you give him the attention and validation he desperately needs, and then he drifts away either because he is satiated or to get some attention from another source.
13. He lacks confidence.
Does this guy seem like he lacks self-confidence? Is he a bit awkward or shy at times? If so, there’s a good chance he struggles to understand why you like him, and this makes him fearful of rejection. He’s almost waiting for you to say you’re no longer interested, and so he pulls away sometimes because he’s unsure if your relationship has a future.
14. He’s testing you.
Some people—men and women—act hold and cold almost on purpose to test your interest in them. If your guy seems like he’s actively pulling you one way and then another to see how you respond, it could be his rather unhealthy way of making sure you’re really into him before he commits any further.
15. He’s changed his mind and isn’t interested.
If he’s throwing you mixed signals and blowing hot and cold, the man you like might be losing interest but not know how to communicate this to you. This might explain his behavior—he feels bad for being cold so is really nice to you. Then he panics that he’s leading you on, so distances himself again.
