Are you feeling bored in your relationship?
As human beings, we all get a little bored now and then. There’s a saying that only boring people get bored, but for me that couldn’t be further from the truth. No one’s immune.
Whilst something that’s shiny and new, like a budding relationship, is incredibly exciting and a bit of a hormonal and emotional rollercoaster, once we get used to it and it becomes part of the fabric of our everyday lives, we can find ourselves getting a bit tired of it or just a bit blasé about the whole thing.
It becomes the new norm. We no longer feel the rush of hormones that we experience at the beginning of a relationship, and realistically, would you want to?
I don’t know about you, but when a new love interest comes into my life, I find myself pretty incapable of doing anything but gazing out of the window and thinking about something witty they said or trying to decipher their cryptic text messages. I certainly don’t get any work done, and that’s just not sustainable.
Although your boredom could potentially be a sign that things aren’t quite right in your relationship, you might just be looking at the situation through the wrong lens.
If it seems like things have gotten a little stagnant, it’s important to take stock of your feelings and take some time to analyze your thoughts and figure out what’s really going on.
To give you a hand, here are some tips to help you identify the problem and get your relationship ducks in a row before you make any big decisions.
1. Consider whether your boredom goes beyond your relationship.
Though your relationship should be a central part of your life, it shouldn’t be your sole focus, and you shouldn’t expect all the excitement in your life to be provided by your partner.
It might not be that you’re actually bored in your relationship per se, but generally lacking stimulation in all areas of your life. You might not really need a hit of romantic excitement, but excitement in general.
Have you tried anything new lately? Have you stopped socializing as much as you once did? Have you come to a bit of a standstill professionally speaking?
Take a general look at your life and think about whether you’re pushing yourself or just coasting along, waiting for life to come to you.
A lot of people seem to get into a serious relationship and give up on living. Caught in the whirlwind of blossoming love, they lose themselves in their partner and stop focusing on other areas of their life.
When the novelty of that wears off, they’re surprised to find themselves feeling bored and deflated.
So do something that gives you the dose of adrenaline you’re craving. You might need something radical like starting that side hustle you’ve always dreamt of or getting on a plane to somewhere where you don’t speak the language. Or you might just need to do something as simple as signing yourself up for an evening class or an open mic night.
If you think you need more excitement in your life, find things that you can do on your own, and things you can do with your loved one to bring you closer together, too.
2. Avoid having unrealistic expectations.
You know all those Disney films you watched when you were a kid? Involving princes on white horses, princesses in towers, high stakes and some form of evil to be defeated, but love always conquering all?
Hate to break it to you kids, but real life and real love aren’t like that.
You might think that the perfect relationship should be one that doesn’t have its ups and downs and shouldn’t require you to work at it.
You might think that, with the perfect partner, you’ll never have disagreements and should always see eye to eye.
You might think that if they’re really the right person for you, the physical spark should eternally burn just as brightly as it did on the first day.
That’s just not the way it is, and that’s a good thing in my book, as I don’t think anyone is genuinely interested in living in a fairy tale. Too many dragons and evil stepmothers.
All relationships require work and no relationship will be entirely perfect for ever.
Whilst everyone will have their own love story, most of them won’t be the stuff that film scripts are made of, and that’s okay.
Ask yourself if the reason you’re feeling bored in your relationship is because you think that your life isn’t quite matching up to the expectations Hollywood instilled in you.
Whilst you shouldn’t settle for a relationship that you’re genuinely unhappy in, it’s always worth remembering that the grass isn’t always greener.
3. Don’t mistake boredom for contentment.
Have you considered the fact that what you’re feeling might not be boredom, but just happiness?
A lot of us thrive off the drama of things going wrong and live for the high and lows. When things are just bowling along happily and we aren’t experiencing any extreme emotions, we call it boredom.
Could it actually be that you’re just feeling content with your life as it is, but don’t quite know how to handle such an unfamiliar feeling?
If you’re confusing contentment with boredom, you might be misunderstanding the natural progression of a relationship. It’s normal, and healthy, for the thrilling ups and downs you experience to begin with to abate as you become more secure in each other and get to know each other better.
If you rarely make it past the first few months of a relationship, it might be that you’ve become a kind of addict to the initial rush of emotions, but have little interest in the calm contentment that a committed relationship brings.
4. Consider all the good things about the relationship you are overlooking.
Focusing on the negatives is another very human trait that many of us are guilty of. No matter how well things are going for us and how lucky we are, we’ll always find something negative to dwell on if we really want to.
It’s time, then, to consciously focus on the positives. Push the negatives or the not-so-greats to the side for a minute and have a think about all the good things your relationship brings. You could even make a pros list, if that’s your style.
If you can’t think of many, then you’ve got your answer right there, but if a relationship is worth sticking at, you should be able to think of plenty of things that put a smile on your face but that you don’t tend to focus on.
What elements of the relationship you’re in do you take for granted, and are you willing to lose it all?
5. Put in your share of the work.
It’s easy to forget that a relationship is a two-way street.
We can unconsciously find ourselves expecting our partner to put in all the leg work and be the one to keep things interesting, whilst we sit back passively, doing nothing but complaining about everything that’s going wrong and everything they’re not doing.
Keeping any relationship interesting and stimulating after a certain amount of time has passed takes work on the part of both people involved, and that’s a fact.
The reason things are feeling a little boring might be because you’re just not making the effort. You’re the idle partner in a one-sided relationship.
6. Try new things.
When you become a slave to your daily routines, you invite boredom into your life and your relationship.
Trying new things makes life worth living, and there are probably a lot of things that you and your partner haven’t tried yet.
Take cooking classes or dancing lessons. Go hiking, kayaking, skiing, or attend a sports event together. Go to a concert, or watch a new TV show. Work out together and visit some new places.
Sure, it would be nice if you could travel to an exotic destination, but you don’t have to take it that far. Even dining at a new restaurant can be fun if you try a meal that you’ve never had before. Make a decision to do something new at least once a week, if not every day.
Try new things in the bedroom too. Talk about your fantasies without holding back. Be open to exploring them. It’s not enough that your intimate life becomes more interesting though. You need to make your relationship exciting by being open to new experiences in general.
If you spend most of your time together doing the same things over and over again, it’s only natural that you got bored. Thankfully, there are plenty of fun things that you could do, you just need to go out there and do them. Initiate the fun and suggest things to your partner that you could try together.
7. Have date nights.
Regardless of how long you’ve been together, you should go on a date at least once a week. It will give you something to look forward to and help you bond as a couple.
The date night can always be a surprise, even if you plan your fun. You could take turns in planning an activity that the other person would have to go along with. Keep in mind the other person’s likes and dislikes when choosing the activity though.
You could even surprise them with a date related to their interests. Maybe they have a fantasy about a perfect date that you could make happen too.
While pizza and a movie at home can be a date night, it can’t be every date that you have. Make sure to go out sometimes and actually put effort into courting each other.
Keep dating just like you did in the beginning and those feelings of excitement and adventure might even come back.
8. Talk to your partner about it.
Does your partner know that you’ve been feeling bored in the relationship?
If you are bored, chances are that they feel the same way. Even if they’re clueless about the problem, you should tell them about it. Make sure to be honest with them so that you can work on this together.
Be careful not to make it sound like you think that they’re boring. You’re not bored with them; you’re bored because your relationship has fallen into a rut. It’s a problem that you can fix if you both put effort into it.
Your partner will be more willing to step out of their comfort zone and try new things with you if they know that it could save your relationship. So, have a heart-to-heart conversation with them and open up about your feelings.
Suggest things that you can do to keep the spark alive, and encourage your partner to suggest things too. If you feel like you’re still struggling with the same problem after trying new things, let a relationship counselor offer more ways that you can use to make things interesting again.
9. Flirt with your partner and surprise them every now and then.
Don’t stop flirting with your partner just because they’re already yours. Keep the spark alive by putting the same amount of effort into making them feel special as back when you first started dating.
Make them laugh, make eye contact, and show affection. Be playful and tease them a bit, but don’t take it too far.
Most importantly, make them feel loved and desired. Take them out on dates and engage in fun activities together.
You can also beat boredom by introducing more surprises into your love life. Try to be more spontaneous and adventurous. Surprise your partner with romantic date nights, thoughtful gifts, and showing an interest in their hobbies. Try things that they enjoy doing because you might enjoy them too.
When it comes to thoughtful gifts, they don’t have to be anything huge. Buy them their favorite candy, tickets to a concert that they’d like to see, or something else related to their likes and interests.
Keep in mind that you don’t have to buy a gift though. You could make them their favorite meal, write them a poem ,or make a playlist for them.
A bit of romance could spice things up, so try to come up with romantic gestures every now and then. You could surprise them with a room full of candles and flowers or a bubbly bath that you’ll enjoy along with your favorite wine.
10. Start a new hobby together.
Having something in common means having something that you can bond over. Regardless of how many things you already have in common, you can always discover more.
Starting a new hobby as a couple is a great way to reconnect and spend quality time together. Find something that you can both enjoy doing on a regular basis. It will expand your horizons and give you more things to talk about.
Don’t hesitate to try hobbies that you haven’t considered before. There are a lot of things that you might like, but you don’t know it yet because you haven’t tried them so far.
Be open to new experiences. If a certain hobby doesn’t work for you, pick a new one. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll run out of things that you could try. When you find something that you like, take it seriously and invest time and effort into it.
One of your hobbies might even turn into a project that you can work on together. Find what you’re both passionate about and pursue it. You can also try each other’s hobbies if you haven’t given them a chance yet.
Don’t give up on a hobby if you’re not instantly good at it. You get better at things by being persistent in doing them until you get better. Just make sure that you truly enjoy spending time on a certain hobby because it will make it more likely that you’ll keep doing it.
11. Show your love through physical intimacy.
Don’t let intimacy be the victim of boredom. Keep enjoying physical intimacy, and this doesn’t apply just to the bedroom. Kiss your partner, hug them, hold hands, and show affection through other physical touches. Make them feel wanted and express your love through gentle touches and kisses.
Things can become more interesting in the bedroom too. Give them a show, or make things romantic by lighting candles and choosing the right playlist. Make an effort to look good for each other. Explore new things that you might like.
Most importantly, express love through physical touch outside of the bedroom too. When you first started dating, you probably couldn’t keep your hands off your partner. Now, you might not kiss that often and rarely hold hands. Do these things because they’re important in a relationship if you don’t want it to get monotonous.
12. Make a bucket list.
It’s hard to get bored when you have a lot of interesting things to look forward to. Write them down by making a bucket list together.
What are some things that you’d like to try, achieve, or do together? Maybe you always wanted to spend the night in a boat, you never tried octopus, or your dream is to write a book. Whatever it is, if you’re both interested in doing it, put it on your bucket list.
Feel free to go a little crazy and write down everything that comes to mind. For instance, maybe you would like to ride a mechanical bull, go bungee jumping, or go on a hot air balloon ride. Maybe you’d like to ride horses, see the Northern Lights, or go on a wine tour.
Write all these things down, because, even if you can’t do them right now, you might be able to do them at some point.
Take your bucket list seriously and actually do the things that you set out to do. Crossing off fun new experiences from the list will make you feel more fulfilled. When people are bored, they don’t feel like their life is fulfilling enough. As you already learned, new experiences are the best cure for this.
13. Change your environment.
You might be bored with the place, not the person. Changing your environment is a great way to fight boredom. Consider moving to another home, city, or even country.
But you don’t have to take it that far. Simply traveling to a new place could be enough to remind you of how big the world is.
If you’re not going to move, make sure to do something new with the space where you already live. You could redecorate the place and make it your own.
Your home should be the place where you feel most comfortable, safe, and at ease. If you don’t feel that way, do something about it. Include your partner in changing your environment by letting them add their touch to your home.
You can change your environment without too much effort in more ways too. When you go out, always go to new places. Take a walk in a neighborhood where you haven’t been before. You can also go on a romantic getaway trip, but more on that later.
14. Learn more about your partner by asking questions.
You might be bored because you think that you have your partner all figured out. If you’ve been together for a while, you’ve learned a lot about them. Maybe they even became predictable because you’ve known them for so long.
However, chances are, you don’t know everything about them. People are complicated creatures. Even when you think that you can read them like a book, you don’t see all the pages, and there are usually some chapters hidden.
Learn more about your partner by asking them questions and being curious about who they truly are as a person. Ask them about their days and be curious about their life. They might surprise you.
Have meaningful conversations about life, fears, and hopes. Learn about their core values and beliefs. You might have already talked about this. However, people change, and their interests and opinions change as well.
You might have known who your partner was when you first started dating but do you know them for who they are now? As already mentioned, people change. So, you have to keep asking questions to keep up with who your partner is and what their goals are.
15. Make plans for the future.
What more could you look forward to? Talk about your future and make plans to go camping, visit a new town, or adopt a pet.
It could be anything you want, just make sure that you talk about it and turn it into a plan for the future.
Maybe there’s a project that you could work on together in a few weeks or months from now.
Goals can give you the adrenaline rush that’s missing in your relationship. Working toward something as a couple brings you closer together and strengthens your bond. Plan projects, dates, and events that you’ll look forward to in your everyday lives.
It can be something as simple as preparing a meal together at home, but make sure to plan something that you’ll be excited about. While you might also plan to do your spring cleaning, try to plan fun things that will actually make you psyched. One of those things could be a romantic getaway trip.
16. Go on a romantic getaway trip.
Traveling together is great for your relationship, and you don’t even have to go far. Rent an apartment, a cabin, or even a beach house and spend a weekend or even the whole week in a new environment. Come back home with funny stories to tell your friends.
You can even travel with your friends and engage in some group activities. Consider saving for a longer vacation too. New places, just like new activities, are the best cure for boredom. Just make sure to turn off your phones and focus on each other.
Simply being in a new location could help you spice things up, in everyday life and in the bedroom as well. Feel free to splurge a little and treat yourself to room service or an apartment with a hot tub. You could also visit a spa. Get all that tension off your shoulders by enjoying a relaxing couples massage.
17. Think back to the beginning of your relationship.
What made you fall in love with your partner? Recall the reasons why you fell for them in the first place and focus on their positive side. What were you doing back when things were still exciting? Maybe you could do those things again or recreate your first dates.
Think back to the beginning of your relationship without your partner, but talk about it with them too. You can reminisce together, and they might remind you of some happy memories that you have forgotten about. These memories could even give you new ideas for things that you could do to feel like you did back then.
Get the spark back by remembering the passion you experienced when you first met. What changed compared to then? Do you go out less often or perhaps you don’t laugh as much as you used to? Did you start feeling too comfortable in the relationship or neglected your physical appearance?
Things can be the way they used to be; it might just take a little effort from both of you. Talk about your past and your future to decide what you can do in the present to live the life you want.
18. Have fun and laugh together.
Be silly and playful sometimes. Make your partner giggle, and let them make you laugh too. Joke around and tease each other. Most importantly, make each other happy.
Ditch the dull routine and do things differently than you normally would. Make an effort to make each other smile, even if it means clowning around. Engage in fun activities together, with your friends, or meet new friends that will introduce you to a new world of fun.
See a comedy or go to a stand-up comedy club. Whatever you do, make sure that smiling and laughter aren’t gone from your relationship.
Having more inside jokes could help you reconnect. Give each other funny nicknames too. Simply act silly and in love sometimes like you used to when you first started dating.
People can become too serious in serious relationships. So wake up your inner child and ask it what it would like to do.
19. Step out of your comfort zone and beat your fears.
Step out of your comfort zone and don’t do the things that you’d normally do. Instead of ordering food, cook together. Instead of watching the same TV channel that you always do, start watching a new TV show. Don’t stay in on the weekend if you always spend time at home. Go out and seek adventure instead.
You can also beat some of your fears. If you’ve been afraid of public speaking, try taking an improv class. You can work on beating your fears even without your partner, and it will still benefit your relationship. As long as you’re doing new things, you’ll feel happier with your life, and your relationship.
Maybe there are some fears that you and your partner could overcome together. Try to combine this with self-improvement.
For instance, if you’ve both feared that you don’t look attractive enough, do something about your appearance. You could change your hair color, refresh your wardrobe, or embrace a healthy lifestyle together.
Make sure to focus on improving on the inside too, not just on the outside. Healthy couples grow together in their relationship, and one way of growing is overcoming your fears.
20. Try couples counseling.
If you’re still bored after trying new things and exploring new places, you might not be able to resolve the problem on your own. You can try counseling together, or you could talk to a therapist without your partner. Either way, don’t be afraid to seek help.
A lot of couples struggle with boredom in a relationship once the honeymoon phase passes. It’s the reason many of them feel stuck in an unhappy relationship and eventually break up.
But your relationship can make you happy again, it will just require some effort. When the effort the two of you are putting into reigniting the spark doesn’t do much help, let a relationship expert help you get where you want to be.
Don’t end a relationship just because things aren’t as exciting as they were when they were still new. There are a lot of new things that you can still experience together, and your relationship can be more adventurous.
You might just need some help in getting there, so reach out to a therapist and let them be of assistance.
