What are real relationship goals?
It’s true that no two relationships will ever look quite the same. After all, every individual is different and has different wants and needs. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t certain generic goals that we can’t all aspire to; goals that keep relationships moving forward and evolving rather than stagnating. I’m talking real goals; goals for a relationship that goes beyond the superficial. Things to aspire to as a couple that go far deeper than just taking the perfect photo to upload to Instagram with the caption #couplegoals.
Whilst there’s nothing wrong with sharing your love on social media now and again, the main focus of your relationship shouldn’t be good photo opportunities. But what should the main focus be? If you’re serious about nurturing your relationship beyond the initial honeymoon phase, here are a few goals that the two of you could consider setting yourselves to make sure it continues to flourish and grow for years to come.
1. Have lives outside each other.
You know those couples who do absolutely everything together? Don’t be one of them!
It’s incredibly easy to get into a relationship and suddenly realize a few months (or years!) down the line that you have absolutely no life independent of your partner.
One of the keys to nourishing your romantic relationship is that you don’t let it push your relationships with your family, your friends, and even yourself to one side. If you do, you risk smothering the relationship.
Whilst it might seem strange that I’ve started this list by telling you to think about your other relationships and yourself rather than your partner, it’s important that you don’t become solely dependent on one person (or codependent on each other if you both let other relationships fall by the wayside).
No one person should be responsible for your entire happiness; it’s too heavy a burden to carry. That’s your job.
If you put too much pressure on your partner, it will only cause problems down the line. You’ll have far more interesting things to talk about if you can come back to each other after time apart with stories to tell and new-found knowledge to pass on.
2. Prioritize your relationship.
Having said all that, whilst you should never overburden your relationship, it should still be a priority for both of you.
Remind yourself not to take the relationship for granted at any point, and set aside time for the two of you to spend together.
Considering how hectic most of our lives are these days, particularly once children or other dependents are thrown into the mix, if you don’t schedule in quality time together, you probably won’t end up having any.
Aim to connect with each other daily for some one on one time. Fully focus on each other, even for just 15 minutes over a cup of tea, and arrange regular date nights or days when you can spend a few hours really enjoying one another’s company.
It can be helpful to see a relationship as a separate entity that actively needs nourishing. A fire, after all, will eventually die out when it’s burnt through all the available fuel. Time together is equivalent to stoking or throwing a log on the flames.
3. Have fun together.
I know, the phrase ‘working on your relationship’ doesn’t really sound like much fun. But it should be!
Make sure that as well as having the serious conversations, you’re also making time to have fun together.
Think back to the things you did together at the beginning of your relationship and dream up new things you could try.
Try not to take life so seriously and don’t be afraid to be silly and behave like kids again. Revive your in-jokes and take the Mickey out of each other. Enjoy each other’s company!
4. Push each other.
The ideal relationship shouldn’t be something that holds you back and means you stagnate; it should push you forward.
Have you ever witnessed one of those breakups or divorces where one or both parties go on to completely revamp their lives? Where they finally do all the things they always dreamed of, but never felt they could do whilst in the relationship.
Be the couple that does those things together, pushing each other and not settling for mediocrity.
You and your partner should do your best to encourage each other to strive toward your respective life goals, whether professional or personal. Be your partner’s biggest cheerleader and remind them they can do anything they set their mind to, and they’ll do the same for you.
5. Stimulate each other intellectually.
Whilst you don’t have to take an intellectual interest in all of the same things, you should have a genuine interest in each other’s minds.
One of you might love an outing to a museum or reading a good book on a Sunday afternoon; the other might be more of a film buff.
But, whilst it’s good to have different interests, you should still be able to have conversations that go beyond the superficial. Whether you discuss culture, politics, or even the meaning of life, you should be interested in delving deeper into the other’s thoughts.
If you think this is lacking in your relationship, try turning off the TV now and then, bypassing the small talk, and asking them about morality, aliens, physical intimacy, religion, the stars, their insecurities…
When you dig deep into the psyche of the person you love, you’ll find buried treasure.
6. …And intimatelty.
For the vast majority of people, physical intimacy is an important part of any romantic relationship. At the end of the day, we’re all animals with natural drives for physical intimacy.
It’s also fairly natural, however, for physical intimacy in a long-term relationship to become a little lackluster and for both parties to lose interest, particularly when life gets busy and stressful.
What’s required here is a determination to make things work. Just as you should put your cards on the table about your needs in other aspects of the relationship, discussions about physical intimacy need to be frank, open, and unashamed.
You should feel comfortable enough with your partner to be able to communicate your needs and ask them about theirs (whilst respecting each other’s boundaries at all times).
If you put the effort in to keep the fire burning and are willing to try new things, there’s no reason why physical intimacy can’t continue to get better as your knowledge of each other’s bodies and desires deepens over the years.
7. Put all your cards on the table.
Honesty is almost always the best policy. A healthy relationship shouldn’t be based on things that you both assume are ‘implied’ in a look or the way you phrase something.
Whilst discussions about relationships can be tricky to negotiate, if you both approach it with the intention of making things completely clear between you, talks like this will typically be positive and strengthen your bond.
Whether it’s a conversation about the future direction of the relationship or talk of a secret wish to emigrate to another country, yours and your partner’s expectations should be spelled out to avoid any confusion.
8. Work as a team.
If you’re in a committed relationship, you should view your partner as a teammate. If you share a household or have children or pets together, you need to be able to rely on one another.
Whilst the fairy tales don’t mention this part, the realities of cohabiting mean you both have to play your part to keep the show on the road.
At times, one of you will need the other to pick up the slack a little more, but it should always be reciprocated. When you need a bit more support, you should be able to ask for it, but you should always be more than willing to return the favor.
When you’re a team member, you always have each other’s backs and know where your loyalties lie.
9. Be kind to one another.
It can be very easy to find yourself lashing out at your partner. How many times have you cracked and said things you don’t really mean when you feel hurt by something they’ve done or not done?
It can be so tempting and so easy to let something scathing slip, but when you feel the temptation to lash out, keep it in. Passive aggressive behavior, manipulation, and sarcastic comments that you know will hit home will never help any situation.
They’ll only serve to drive a wedge between you and will probably mean your partner will start to put up defensive walls against you, not wanting to be hurt again.
You won’t always agree with one another – and that’s completely normal and healthy – but make it a priority to address any disagreements directly, quickly, and calmly, always holding the intention in your heart of not hurting your partner with any barbed words.
You know them so well that you know how to hit them where it hurts, but by committing to you, they’re trusting you not to use that knowledge against them.
Be kind and love with all your heart, and you won’t go too far wrong.
10. Try something new every now and then.
Relationships fall into a rut because there’s no more sense of adventure. Couples often miss the thrill of discovering and trying new things.
Don’t let your relationship become monotonous. Make a decision to try something new at least once a month.
Try exotic cuisine and adrenaline-pumping activities. Travel to a new place, even if it’s just an hour away from where you live.
Remind yourself to be more spontaneous and adventurous every now and then. Go to an escape room, rent a limo, or go parachuting. You don’t have to go that far, but feel free to get crazy sometimes.
If there’s something that you’ve been dying to try but never got the opportunity, create that opportunity with your partner. When you get a chance to try something new that you might not have considered before, give it a chance. Keep rediscovering your interest, likes, and dislikes.
Don’t go to the same restaurant every time, even if it’s the restaurant where you fell in love with each other. Have regular date nights and make sure to go to different places and try different things.
Keep the spark alive, and don’t let each other get bored in the relationship. You can even meet new people and befriend other couples that are just as fun as you are.
11. Be each other’s friend.
Don’t be just lovers, be friends too. Be there for your partner when they need you and expect the same from them.
If your relationship works out, you’ll be together in sickness and in health. Practice that now and show up for each other to give support.
Being a friend also means being loyal to your partner and having their back. It means having fun with them and trusting them too.
Your partner is the first person you should call with big news, whether it’s good or bad. You should know that you could rely on them and turn to them when you need help or advice. They’ll celebrate your accomplishments and give you the shoulder to cry on when you fail.
When you’re friends, it will be easier for you to be honest with each other and make each other happy. You’ll respect each other’s need for a personal life and push each other to grow.
Most importantly, you’ll be able to spend quality time together and communicate effectively. Your friend is also someone you confide in and trust to keep your secrets.
12. Make plans for your future together.
You should talk about your individual goals to your partner, but also plan things that you can do together.
Make realistic goals such as planning a vacation together. However, feel free to fantasize a bit as well. You don’t know what the future has in store for you, but you know if you would like to live together. Feel free to discuss how you’ll decorate your first home together.
You can go into as much detail as you’d like when you’re planning a future together, so have fun. If you both want kids, you can even talk about names. Just make sure that you’re aware of which plans are realistic and serious and which are just a fantasy for now.
Living together, getting married, and having kids aren’t unrealistic plans. It just might be too soon for them, so don’t get carried away. However, talking about these things is perfectly normal and good for your relationship. Your partner shouldn’t be afraid of discussing the future with you if they want to have a future with you.
Make sure to set some specific goals that you’ll be serious about achieving some time soon. This can be something simple like starting a new hobby together, adopting a pet, or going to a concert. Depending on the length and seriousness of your relationship right now, set appropriate goals.
13. Love and trust each other.
Always show affection to your partner. Make them feel loved by kissing them, hugging them, holding hands, and anything else that feels right.
Don’t focus only on physical intimacy though – build emotional and intellectual intimacy too. Talk to them (and about them) kindly and give them compliments.
Show love with small and big romantic gestures. Support your partner’s decisions and let them support your choices too.
Most importantly, trust each other. Don’t be suspicious or jealous when your partner is away from you, especially if they gave you no reason to doubt them. Instead, encourage them to have fun with their friends and chase after their dreams.
Love and trust are the foundations of a healthy relationship. Without them, you don’t have what it takes to make it as a couple.
You shouldn’t have doubts about your partner’s feelings for you and about their loyalty. If you do, either you are right, or you have to work on your trust issues to truly love your partner.
14. Be willing to forgive each other.
Occasionally, you are going to make mistakes. Everyone does, it’s only human. You are going to fight and hurt each other. It happens in every relationship. But, it’s how you deal with it that makes all the difference.
Don’t let resentment into your relationship. Learn to forgive each other instead. Accept that you’re not perfect and that mistakes happen. When they do, the one who made the mistake should try to make up for it. But, more importantly, the other person should be willing to let them make up for it.
Learn to apologize when you’re wrong and accept an apology when your partner does wrong.
Don’t keep score or make it your goal to be right all the time. Those kinds of things ruin relationships. It doesn’t matter who’s right – what matters is that you sort things out. Don’t give your partner the silent treatment. Be willing to bury the hatchet after a big fight.
15. Keep surprising each other.
Being reliable and being predictable are not the same thing. Keep the spark alive by surprising your partner every now and then. Surprise them by cooking them their favorite meal, sending them a romantic text, or buying them a thoughtful gift.
Doing things like these is important in a relationship. You shouldn’t stop putting effort into wooing each other just because you’ve been together for a long time.
Surprise your partner with gifts related to their likes and interests. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. Even simply picking up their favorite candy when you’re grocery shopping is a kind, romantic gesture.
You can also surprise each other by planning fun, new activities and dates. Why don’t you suggest a night of wine and cheese tasting? Maybe you could sing karaoke? You could buy everything you need for a few hours of painting on a canvas in the park. Why not have a picnic while you’re at it? Make sure to enjoy life and make it interesting.
