Online dating can really mess with your head!
Yes, lots of people do find a partner through online dating. Many even find their happily ever after.
But let’s be real for a moment, the whole process screws with your head a bit.
Here are 10 ways it isn’t good for anyone’s mental health.
1. Not getting matches.
One of the most common negative effects of online dating comes when you don’t get many or any matches. After all, the whole point of dating apps is to get matches—mostly because it then enables you to message someone and get to know them, but also because it’s a big ego boost!
If you’re not getting many matches compared to your other friends using apps, or you feel as though you’re constantly liking people and never getting anything back, you’re probably feeling pretty depressed.
This can have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves, of course! A lot of us equate our self-worth to external validation or how others feel about us. That means that when we feel unattractive, uninteresting, or unwanted, even by strangers, we can then start to question a lot more about ourselves.
We might start to question if we’ll ever find love with someone, as well as our own success outside of dating.
2. Anxiety around messaging.
When it comes to messaging someone who’s essentially a stranger, it’s really hard to figure out what to say—and how. You want to come across in a certain way, which means you’re probably overthinking the messages you’re sending.
This is completely normal, but it can lead to high levels of dating anxiety or stress. A lot of people will actually feel as though they’re having an identity crisis of sorts—this is common when it comes to using any kind of app where you’re “presenting” yourself.
For example, social media apps like Instagram can lead us to question who we actually are—we’re desperate to come across a certain way, and that can often feel distorted compared to how we may be in real life.
3. Feeling unsafe online.
Dating apps can be a hard place to navigate—there are so many unknowns and you’re actually putting a lot of trust in complete strangers. You’re sharing your photos and personality with people that you’ve never met before.
It’s so important to feel safe when it comes to meeting people and using the internet or apps. You might find that you feel worried about sharing photos of yourself on your profile or that you’ve overshared or given too much away in your profile or messages.
Dating apps can also be bad for our mental health because we may get unwanted or abusive messages. You may also have experienced getting unsolicited photos or videos from people you’ve matched with, as well as messages that may be inappropriate.
Again, due to the horror stories that we’ve all heard from friends or read about online, a lot of us go into using apps feeling uncomfortable or nervous about what to expect. This anxiety builds and can really impact how we’re feeling overall in our lives, particularly if it’s based on something we’ve experienced in the past.
4. Worrying they may be catfishing you.
We’ve all heard about catfishing, and a lot of us may have experienced it without really knowing. For those unfamiliar with this term, catfishing is when someone pretends to be someone they’re not—this can present itself as fake profiles on social media or dating apps, where they often use stock photos or photos of other people.
This means that you may be talking to someone who’s pretending to be someone else—they may have the name and personality of who you’re talking to but just look different, or they may be pretending to be someone else entirely.
There are always stories of older men pretending to be young guys, or of exes creating fake profiles to lure their partners back, for example. This is toxic and inappropriate on so many levels, and the number of horror stories can put a lot of people off using dating apps.
5. Being ghosted during messaging or after meeting.
Another of the major psychological effects of online dating occurs when you are ghosted—whether this is while you’re messaging or after meeting in person. This can be bad for your mental health, so don’t feel silly or alone in worrying about this happening to you.
Often, we’ll be talking to someone, maybe even arranging to meet up, and we’ll then never hear from them again. This can be so upsetting; it is a very valid concern when it comes to online dating.
If this happened in real life, things would be very different. However, online, it’s easy to ghost someone and stop talking to them or even block or remove them. There are different rules, behaviors, and assumptions around dating online that we’re all still navigating.
Social media and movies often portray a version of online dating that then feeds into how we all feel and the expectations we have. For example, people can be really blasé in TV shows or movies when it comes to ghosting people, which can make it seem more acceptable in real life.
That means that some people think it’s appropriate to ghost someone they’ve been on a date with, while others will find it unacceptable—largely because of a difference in exposure to certain behaviors.
6. Fear of the “real you” being rejected.
Most of us put a fair amount of thought and effort into our profiles on dating apps or websites. We think about how we want to come across and try to put our best self forward.
This can sometimes lead us to worry that we’re not presenting an accurate depiction of ourselves in our profiles. Maybe you’re using older photos where you look younger or, in your opinion, “better.” Or maybe you’re using photos that have a heavy filter on them.
Equally, it could be less looks-focused and be more about the fact that you’ve embellished your job title or personality. You might be slightly misleading people by pretending to be interested in something because you think you’ll get more likes or matches for it, even though it’s not actually true.
This can lead to huge levels of anxiety around actually meeting up. You might worry that you’ll turn up and your date will have been expecting someone totally different.
You might be concerned that you can’t measure up to your profile in real life or that you’re going to be rejected for not looking exactly the same as you do in your photos.
Either way, you’re probably feeling worried about meeting up with someone because they’ll be expecting the person from your profile to turn up!
7. Worrying about meeting up.
Chatting online and meeting in person are two totally different things, and they will bring up completely different feelings or insecurities. A lot of us get really stressed about going on dates, so you’re definitely not alone in this one.
The anxiety you feel about going on a date may come from having to make conversation, feeling nervous about how you look or come across, or because of an underlying fear of being ghosted/dating trauma. Most of us have felt at least one of these emotions before, so you shouldn’t feel any shame or loneliness in this!
8. Worrying about how you come across on a date.
It’s totally normal to feel concerned about how you were perceived on a date—you may be left thinking that you came across badly or not like your normal self.
You might also panic about how you left things—goodbyes are notoriously tricky to navigate on first dates, for example!
You might be anxious that you came across as either uninterested or too keen—and you might just need some more time to work out how you actually feel.
This level of self-assessment can be really damaging to our mental health, and it can take up a lot of our time and energy. Being so introspective, especially in such a critical, overly negative way, can have a large psychological impact on us.
9. Thinking there may be better opportunities.
A somewhat paradoxical reason why online dating is so depressing at times is because there is so much choice.
Comparing your date to previous dates or ex-partners is pretty natural, especially if you’re new to dating. That being said, it’s not always healthy.
While it’s great to think about things in a practical sense—how this date is going, how they match your expectations or non-negotiables, and so on—it may be negatively impacting your experience of dating.
You might not be able to be fully present because you’re so busy thinking about where this could go or if there’s someone better matched to you out there somewhere.
This is one of the downsides of dating apps. There is so much choice and so many options that it can be difficult to commit to one person or focus on one date at a time!
10. Not knowing where things stand.
Being unsure of where things stand while chatting or after a date is really common, especially when it comes to online dating. This is because there are so many elements at play. And because you likely don’t have any mutual friends, there’s not an expected way to behave or anything to fulfil.
When you meet someone in person through a friend, most of us want our friends to feel comfortable with the arrangement, so we’ll make more of an effort to handle the situation well—that means not ghosting their friend or doing anything that might upset them.
When it comes to online dating, there’s essentially no “need” for this to happen, which is why things can be tricky to interpret or manage.
This can cause a lot of anxiety and have a negative impact on our psychological wellbeing. We can expend a lot of energy worrying about how we behaved, how they behaved, and what the outcomes could or will be.
A lot of us find dating draining purely because of the uncertainty of it all—you may be someone who needs to know where things stand, which can mean that dating is very stressful and can start to affect our daily lives.
If you’re someone who likes regular messages and checking in, you might really struggle to navigate all the ambiguity that comes with both online and in-person dating.
You might find it hard to focus at work. Are you constantly checking your phone, looking at their status/”last seen” on WhatsApp, or analyzing their social media for any updates or signs that they’re not interested?
Either way, this can cause a lot of obsessive behaviors and negatively impact how we feel about dating and our day-to-day lives. It’s a big reason why dating apps can make some people feel depressed.
