15 Very Subtle Relationship Red Flags You Need To Watch Out For

Not all red flags are blatant.

A woman sits on a couch looking distressed, with her hand on her forehead. A man sits beside her, gently placing his hands on her shoulders in a comforting manner. The scene appears to be well-lit with natural sunlight streaming in from a window.

While some red flags are stare-you-in-the-face obvious, others are harder to spot. What seems like slightly irrational or insecure behavior could be hiding something much more sinister. You probably know and look out for the more blatant red flags, but do you know the more subtle warnings to look out for?

If not, we’ve got you covered.

1. They talk badly about all their exes.

A man and a woman are seated on the ground against a metal wall. Both are wearing casual outfits with motorcycle helmets beside them. The man has sunglasses and a man bun, and the woman has curly hair and a leather jacket. They appear relaxed and stylish.

Let’s face it, few people like their exes. When dating, it’s best not to even talk about them. Yes, a couple has to discuss the topic of each other’s past relationships, but the basic information is typically enough.

But what if they trash talk their ex instead? A person who talks badly about all their exes or even calls them all crazy for leaving them is likely to do the same with you.

Sure, they may not like their exes, but most people are self-aware enough to accept their fair share of the blame and mature enough not to talk badly about someone just because their relationship broke down.

A person who refuses to acknowledge their own shortcomings by badmouthing their exes is likely not self-aware enough to be in a healthy relationship.

2. They use name-calling in fights.

A man and a woman are having an intense argument in a living room. The man, standing and dressed in a blue shirt, is raising his hand and appears frustrated. The woman, sitting on a couch and wearing a gray shirt, is gesturing back at him, looking upset.

It’s important that your partner knows the line and stops before they cross it. A great example is the way you fight. All couples fight, and it’s perfectly normal to get into arguments even if you’ve only recently started dating. But the way you fight is what matters and says a lot about your relationship.

Is your partner ready and willing to say things that they can’t unsay later? Name-calling is a good example of not respecting the line in arguments. It is a sign of poor conflict resolution skills, which is rarely a good omen for a relationship. It’s certainly an easy red flag to spot.

3. They refuse to work.

A man wearing a blue t-shirt and beige pants is lying on a beige couch with his legs stretched out. He is focused on a silver laptop placed on his lap. A glass ashtray is on a clear glass coffee table in front of him, and the room has gray walls and curtains.

You could start dating someone who has no career goals and no intention to get a job. A person who can’t see their own future is not going to have a future with you.

While it’s fine to take a break from job hunting, a grown-up individual who is chronically unemployed and refuses to work is not the person you want to date.

A person should have a goal in life, and it’s not really possible to achieve goals without motivation and money. When your partner has no money and no motivation to earn some, they aren’t really moving forward in life, so you’re not going to get far with them.

The big question you have to ask yourself is: are they working toward something in life, or laying on the couch waiting for life to give them lemons?

Maybe they are trying to make it as an artist, and that’s great! However, maybe they just have no idea what tomorrow could bring, and they have no plans. Are they working toward the life they want? If not, they are probably not a person you can make future plans with, and you need that to have a healthy relationship.

4. They don’t respect their parents.

Two men sit on a couch facing opposite directions, looking upset. The older man, with gray hair, rests his elbow on the back of the couch. The younger man, with short dark hair, clasps his hands together. Both wear long-sleeve shirts and jeans. The background includes a window and shelves.

Your partner should treat their parents with respect, if not love (unless your partner’s parents were abusive or just not great parents in general, in which case your partner may not wish to even keep their parents in their life).

But some people are downright cruel to their folks, and that’s clearly a red flag. Think about it, if they can treat someone who gave them life that way, how will they treat you?

On the other hand, some people have too much love for their parents, and it’s actually an unhealthy attachment, which might be a red flag too.

Basically, the relationship your partner has with their parents can tell you a lot about them, and the potential relationship you could have with them. For example, if they are ungrateful to their parents, they are probably going to be ungrateful in the relationship with you.

5. They have drastic mood swings.

A man and woman share a tender moment in a cozy, dimly lit room with brick walls and a standing lamp. The man stands behind the woman, who is seated, and they gaze into each other's eyes, both smiling warmly.

One day, they are the best partner you could imagine, but the next day they push all your buttons just so they can continue the cycle the third day.

Drastic mood swings are a sign of an unstable individual who might be emotionally immature. If you have to guess what kind of mood you’ll find them in, and it could change at any second, you probably aren’t going to have a healthy relationship with them.

You need someone mature and stable who you’ll be able to count on. You simply can’t count on someone that unpredictable.

Of course, anyone can experience occasional moods swings, but if they are so continuous that they’re part of the person’s personality, that’s not going to change any time soon.

6. They are too secretive.

A man lies in bed wearing pajamas, propped up on a pillow, and looks at his smartphone with a slight smile. In the background, another person is partially visible, also lying in bed and possibly sleeping. The scene is dimly lit with a calm ambiance.

Your partner should be honest and open with you. While they might not want to reveal everything on the first few dates, you should have a good idea of who they are by the time you’re in a committed relationship.

This means that, while it’s okay to be mysterious, being secretive is a whole other thing. If you feel like your partner is hiding something from you this early in the relationship, imagine how it will be later on.

Naturally, they might not want you to know certain things right away, but they won’t be secretive about little things that don’t really matter. If they are, they might be hiding a much bigger problem, such as not wanting you to really get to know them in the first place.

7. They had an affair with you while they were with someone else.

A smiling woman with long blonde hair lies on her stomach on a bed, resting her head on one hand. She is dressed in a white sweater and appears to be reaching out to hold someone's hand. The background includes a teal wall and a gray wall.

A person who cheated on someone with you is more likely to cheat on you with someone else. This is especially true if their romantic history consists of jumping right into new relationships after ending old ones.

Based on the fact that they cheated with you, you know for sure that they’re not a stranger to infidelity, so who’s to say they’ll stay faithful to you?

Even if you haven’t had an affair together, if they have a history of cheating on their partners, the chances of them doing so again increase. Of course, not everyone who cheats does it again, but the odds don’t work in your favor.

This is why it’s important that you’re both clear on the term ‘fidelity,’ but more on that later.

8. They want to know all your passwords.

A man and woman sit at a cafe table, the man looking at his smartphone while the woman smiles at him. The woman has long hair and is wearing a beige coat, and the man is wearing a black leather jacket. There are cups on the table.

There should be no secrets in a healthy relationship, but there should be privacy. It’s great if you and your partner can be open about each other’s online activity, but wanting to monitor it smells like trouble.

Why would your partner demand to know all your passwords if they trusted you? While you shouldn’t be secretive about your online activity, you should be entitled to your privacy and autonomy.

If you have done something to arouse your partner’s suspicion, you might be able to understand them, otherwise, demanding to know all your passwords is a red flag.

Similarly, if you find them snooping on your phone or other electronic devices behind you back, take note and ask yourself whether you can ever trust them.

9. They shame you.

A woman with blonde hair wearing a striped shirt is pouring milk into a bowl while sitting at a table. Next to her, a man with dark hair wearing a light blue shirt is smiling and holding toast over a plate of jam. They are having breakfast together.

Does your partner make you feel stupid or ashamed? If so, you might want to consider running for your life.

You don’t need a partner who’ll refuse to take you seriously and consider your opinions. You certainly don’t need someone who’ll mock your ideas or make fun of you.

Why would you even want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? Your partner is supposed to lift you up, not put you down, and you need to remember that.

10. They don’t agree with your definition of fidelity.

A man wearing a white bathrobe is lying on a bed while holding his smartphone to his ear. He appears to be engaged in a conversation. The room has a minimalist design with light-colored walls and louvered closet doors in the background.

Some people think that it’s okay to have an affair as long as you don’t get your feelings involved, while others think that having feelings for someone else is cheating even if you don’t do anything about it.

What’s your definition of fidelity? Is innocent flirting allowed? What counts as innocent? Surprisingly, there’s a lot to consider when it comes to the term fidelity, and not everyone agrees on the definition.

The person you’re dating might be dating other people at the same time and think that there’s nothing wrong with it because you haven’t yet agreed on being exclusive. They might even be interested in an open relationship.

You never know until you ask, so you should definitely discuss what fidelity means to you both. If you interpret it differently to one another, the relationship will be on rocky ground from the start.

11. They crave constant reassurance.

A man with dreadlocks and glasses, dressed in a blue blazer, sits outdoors against a wall with a coffee cup in one hand, while looking intently at his phone in the other hand.

You constantly have to repeat that you like them and want to be with them, and they don’t seem to trust you even when you do.

A partner who constantly seeks reassurance is probably so insecure that no amount of comforting words will help them overcome those insecurities.

It’s hard to have a healthy relationship with an insecure partner, so it might be best to avoid getting involved in the first place.

While you could certainly help your partner fight their insecurities, consider whether it’s what you want to do with your life. It’s okay to be selfish when you’re searching for the right person.

12. They can’t say they’re sorry.

A man and a woman sitting on a yellow sofa in a well-lit room. The man, wearing glasses and a brown sweater, holds the woman's hands while she looks down with a serious expression, wearing a white t-shirt and grey pants. They seem to be having a heartfelt conversation.

It will be hard to resolve arguments if your partner is never willing to apologize. Unless you want to be the one who always makes the first step in reconciling, you should avoid those who aren’t okay with saying they’re sorry.

Your partner should be capable of accepting their share of the blame, and if they can’t do that, a healthy relationship is going to be difficult.

You need a partner who’ll be ready and willing to apologize and make amends when they do something wrong. Someone who can’t take responsibility for their actions is not going to make you happy.

13. They are irrationally jealous.

A person with light hair is holding a white mug with both hands, glancing thoughtfully to the side. The person has light blue nail polish and is in a dimly lit room with a blurred background.

Love can result in a small dose of jealousy. It can even be flattering. It’s natural to be a little jealous when you like someone so much. After all, you don’t want to lose them.

However, there’s a big difference between a natural dose of jealousy and irrational jealousy that could destroy your relationship.

When you find yourself in a situation where your partner gets upset if you even look at another person of the gender(s) you find attractive or you can’t have friends of that gender, you run like hell.

Naturally, your partner doesn’t want you to be in awe of someone else’s beauty right in front of them, or get too emotionally involved with another person, but was that really the explanation, or did they imagine it that way?

Irrational jealousy is rarely founded on anything more than the person’s own mind, so if you gave your partner no reason to doubt your loyalty but they freak out over trivial things and have jealous outbursts, you’re not going to find happiness with them.

14. They don’t trust you, or you can’t trust them.

A man and woman are sitting on a couch having a discussion. The woman, with curly hair and wearing a yellow top, has an animated expression with her hands gesturing. The man, with short hair and wearing a green shirt, is facing her and seemingly responding.

Your partner might be irrationally jealous because of a trauma from their past or other issues, but what if they simply don’t trust you? Maybe they don’t have jealous outbursts, but they act like they can’t believe a word you say.

Perhaps you’re the one who can’t trust them instead.

Whatever the reason for it, relationships with no trust rarely end well.

Maybe this lack of trust comes from previous experiences you had with each other, or the past that you’ve each had with other people. Whatever it is, it’s dooming your relationship from the start.

Even if you’re already aware of your or your partner’s trust issues, you can’t go further and carry that with you. You’ll have to learn to have faith in each other if your relationship is going to work.

15. They have different relationship goals than you do.

A couple sits on a couch at home, facing each other and smiling. A tablet, a notebook, and headphones are on the coffee table in the foreground. They appear relaxed, engaging in a pleasant conversation.

A person doesn’t have to be a player to have different relationship goals than you do, and it’s crucial that you’re on the same page. If you want different things, you simply can’t achieve them together.

Maybe your partner doesn’t plan on getting married in the next 10 years, or they’re thinking of moving to another country for a few years. Whatever it is that’s stopping you from living happily ever after, you can’t ignore it if you’re looking for the real deal.

While many of the red flags on this list can be ignored if you’re looking for just a casual hookup, if you’re searching for something real, that person has to want it too. It will take a lot of effort and time to get there from where you are now, so if your partner is not willing to invest in the relationship, you’re not going to have a happy one, if any at all.

Maybe they are looking for a long-lasting relationship too, but what kind of future does their ideal relationship have? If it’s not the future you’re hoping for, you can’t postpone that problem until the future comes and you’re not where you want to be.