12 Signs You're Way Too Picky About Dating And Relationships

Has anyone ever told you you’re too picky?

A woman leans on a wooden table holding a glass of white wine, looking intently at a mannequin dressed in a pink shirt. Another glass of wine and a wine bottle sit on the table. A plant and window drapes are in the background.

It’s so hard to decide where the line is when it comes to pickiness.

Many of us struggle with figuring out the difference between being too picky and just having reasonable, respectable standards, and not selling ourselves short.

Because what’s at the other end of the spectrum from people who are too choosy in their romantic relationships? The people whose standards are at rock bottom, and don’t ask enough from their partners. The people who cling onto unhealthy and unhappy relationships, often as a result of low self-esteem or out of a fear of being alone.

Of course, relationships are hard and will always take work. If you’re too picky, it means you expect perfection out of relationships and aren’t willing to put that work in. But if you’re not picky enough, you might be working far harder than you should have to.

If you’re not sure where you fall on the spectrum, here are some pointers that suggest perhaps you’re being a bit too choosy.

1. You’ve been single for a very long time.

A man in a striped sweater and jeans sits on a windowsill, looking thoughtfully out a large window. Outside, there is an industrial-style building and parked cars visible through the glass.

One of the most obvious signs that you’re too picky in romance is if you’ve been single, by choice, for a long time.

You might tell yourself that it’s not your choice, and that there’s just no one out there for you. Truth is the world is full of wonderful people that you could be compatible with if you were only open to that possibility.

Sure, there might be lots of other extenuating circumstances playing their part, and you might be genuinely putting yourself out there and being open-minded.

But your pickiness might also have a lot to do with why you’ve been single for such a long time.

2. You believe in ‘The One’.

A smiling couple embraces outdoors with a cityscape in the background. The woman, with braided hair and wearing a scarf and leather jacket, looks at the man, who is wearing a denim jacket and yellow backpack. Sunlight filters through the buildings behind them.

Do you believe there’s only one person out there for you? Only one person you could ever be happy with? A soulmate just waiting for you to stumble across their path?

Then you’re too picky. Because you’re looking for perfection, and perfection doesn’t exist in life or in love.

You’re not predestined to be with just one specific person in this world. There are countless people out there that you could have wonderful relationships with if you met them when the timing and circumstances were right.

The right person isn’t chosen for you by fate – you choose them. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll take the pressure off yourself and all the people you meet.

3. You’ve read too many fairy tales.

A smiling couple is dancing together in a cozy kitchen with wooden cabinets and a brick backsplash. The woman, wearing an apron, gazes at the man lovingly as he holds her. The counter has various kitchen items, glasses of wine, and vegetables.

You’ve read all the love stories and watched all the rom-coms and think that one day, Prince or Princess Charming is going to rock up at your door. That it’s all going to be fireworks, and you’ll just know that you’ve found your one true love.

You’re picky because you’ve got unrealistic expectations about what your meet cute will be like, and then about the whirlwind romance that will unfold.

You’re expecting to be swept off your feet and are waiting for your happy ending to come along, rather than getting out there and making your own happy ending happen.

Anyone that doesn’t quite fit with the fairy tale you’re picturing for yourself gets shown the door.

4. You have a one-strike policy.

A woman and a man are in a modern restaurant. She is seated at a table with sushi and a cup of tea, looking up at him. The man, in a dark blazer, stands next to her, leaning forward slightly, engaged in conversation. The restaurant has a stylish, contemporary interior.

As soon as a new love interest puts one foot wrong, that’s it. They’re out, and you’re moving on to the next person.

You don’t believe in forgiving and forgetting, which is highly unrealistic.

If you wait for total perfection and aren’t prepared to be understanding and forgive someone when they make a mistake, you’ll be waiting a long time.

5. You have a very set type.

A couple walks hand in hand in front of a historic building. The man, with long hair and tattoos, is wearing a red shirt and blue jeans. The woman, with short blonde hair, is dressed in a blue striped dress and holding a vibrant bouquet of flowers, smiling at each other.

You want a dark-haired highly educated engineer that earns a certain salary. Or a hippy surfer type with their own quirky campervan. Or a super sporty type to do triathlons with every weekend.

Whatever’s on your list, it’s all very specific. You’ve decided on exactly the kind of person you want and you’re not prepared to compromise on that. You’ve got a picture of them in your head, and you’re on the search for them.

And in the meantime, you’re probably missing out on some amazing people just because they don’t quite fit into your very niche box.

6. You just date the same person over and over again.

A woman in a red off-the-shoulder dress smiles and points upwards with her index finger while sitting at a restaurant table. A man in a dark suit is seated across from her. Both have glasses of red wine on the table, and the background shows a dimly lit restaurant.

All the people you date behave and treat you in exactly the same way.

You might not have noticed it, but you keep going for variations on exactly the same kind of person with the same personality or traits. You then wonder why it never works out or why things always end the same way.

7. You let small things get in the way.

A woman with long blonde hair in a white dress and a man with dark hair and beard wearing a navy shirt and gray scarf stand close together outdoors. The man holds a beige coat over his shoulder and they both look at each other with subtle smiles.

Like Bridget Jones, you obsess over things like the way they fold their underpants, and allow that to be a deal breaker for the relationship.

You end up sabotaging great relationships over absolutely nothing, because deep down you don’t think anyone’s good enough and you’re looking for excuses to say goodbye.

8. You’re a serial swiper.

A young woman with long dark hair is sitting against a wooden post, wearing patterned clothing and a headband. She has on headphones and is holding a smartphone, smiling as she looks at the screen. A cozy, patterned blanket is draped nearby.

You’re probably a bit addicted to dating apps. Knowing that there are always more people just a swipe away is too much for you, so you keep dismissing the people you start to date.

You just want to keep on swiping in case your dream person is the next one to appear, even when you have someone wonderful (but flawed, as we all are) right in front of you.

You’re under the impression that the grass is always greener on the other side, so you just can’t stick in a relationship.

9. You aren’t fazed by breaking up with someone.

A man and a woman are sitting on a teal couch, engaged in a conversation. The man, with a beard, is wearing a light blue shirt, while the woman, with long brown hair, is wearing a beige sweater. She has an open hand gesture, indicating she is speaking.

A big warning sign that you’re too picky in relationships is that you’re so used to ending things with love interests that it doesn’t really bother you anymore.

Breaking up with someone should never be easy, so if it’s gotten that way then you might be dismissing too many people.

10. You want someone that fits with your grand plan.

A smiling couple stands beside an open car trunk outside a modern building with reflective windows. The man, holding colorful shopping bags, looks at the woman, who has her hand on his arm. Both are casually dressed and seem to be enjoying their time together.

You have a very fixed idea of how the next few decades of your life are going to pan out.

You’ve decided what you’re going to be doing, and so you’ve also got a fixed idea of who you want to be doing all that with.

So now you’re on the hunt for that hypothetical person rather than being open to other future paths that you never would have imagined taking, but that you might end up adventuring down with the person you’d least expect.

Make plans and dream big, sure. But be open to twists, turns, and surprises. Don’t reject people just because they don’t quite fit into the plans you’ve made, because things could turn out very differently, but even better than how you’d expected.

11. You get scared when the spark fades.

A woman with blonde hair wearing a striped shirt stirs a bowl with a spoon while a man with short brown hair, also in a white shirt, looks on. They are sitting at a kitchen counter with a bottle of milk and another bowl nearby.

You tend to break up with people after a few months when the honeymoon phase is over and the initial spark begins to fade.

You’re convinced the fade means that something’s wrong. You think that sooner or later you’ll find someone with whom the spark will never fade.

You can’t accept the fade of that initial thrill is an inevitable part of love, and that it will be replaced by another kind of love that’s just as wonderful in a different way.

12. You’re not prepared to work through things.

A woman with long blond hair, wearing a blue shirt, rests her chin on her hand and looks thoughtfully at a man sitting across from her in a restaurant. The man has short hair and is wearing a blue top. Both are seated at a table with drinks.

You think the right relationship should just be plain sailing, so you’re not prepared to work at it at all.

You always give up at the first hurdle or first argument, not understanding that rough patches are part of any relationship.

If you’re hoping for someone that you’ll never disagree with or have problems with, you’re going to be disappointed.

Finally…

Two people are outdoors near a staircase, holding coffee cups. The person on the left is wearing a striped dress, sunglasses, and a hat, and is smiling. The person on the right is wearing a light blue shirt and eyeglasses, and appears to be talking. Trees are in the background.

If you’ve realized that you really do want a relationship in your life but have been standing in your own way, then it’s time to make a conscious effort to change your approach.

That shouldn’t mean lowering your standards or settling for less than you deserve.

But it does mean opening yourself up to the idea that relationships can be tricky, and that the right person for you might be the person you’d least expect.

Open your mind, trust your judgment and listen to your heart, and you can’t go too far wrong.