10 Reasons You Should Never Give Your Partner An Ultimatum (Unless You Mean It)

Don’t make ultimatums you’re not serious about. Here’s why.

A woman sits on a chair with a frustrated expression and hand gesture while talking to a man seated nearby, who is facing her. The man has a beard and is wearing a yellow shirt. They are in a bright room with a window and plants in the background.

Making it clear what you will and won’t tolerate is called setting clear boundaries.

An ultimatum, on the other hand, means that you’re ready to walk away from the relationship if your partner doesn’t do what you say.

But are you truly ready to do that?

This is just one of the questions that you should ask yourself before giving an ultimatum.

Giving an ultimatum can have many negative consequences for your relationship. It’s always better to communicate your needs honestly.

Let’s explore all the reasons why it might be a bad idea to give your partner an ultimatum.

1. Your relationship is already in trouble.

A woman with her hand on her temples appears distressed in the foreground, while a man with raised hand gestures is seated behind her. The background shows a living room setting with blurred furniture.

When you give an ultimatum in a relationship, it means that you’ve run out of patience and your needs aren’t being met.

But if your relationship is in trouble, an ultimatum is unlikely to fix things. Ultimatums are usually made in the heat of the moment when your patience is running thin. This is not a great time to resolve issues.

It’s a much better idea to talk about the problem once you’ve calmed down. You could still let your partner know what you’d like to be different in your relationship. But, it doesn’t have to be an ultimatum.

With an ultimatum, you’re telling them that you’re ready to leave the relationship if things don’t change soon. You could instead request that your partner works on the things that bother you for the sake of your relationship, without threatening to leave it.

It’s important to remember that people don’t change overnight. And ultimatums often require them to. If your relationship is already in trouble, you shouldn’t risk ending it right away by forcing your partner to choose.

2. Your partner can feel trapped.

A man with glasses sits on a couch gesturing with his hand towards a woman with long brown hair, who looks away with her arms crossed. They appear to be having a serious conversation in a well-lit room.

When you give your partner an ultimatum, you’re forcing them to choose. They can either make the changes you want them to make or watch you walk away and give up on the relationship.

If they want to stay with you and don’t try to call your bluff, it’s actually not much of a choice at all. You’re basically telling them that they have to do as you say. They have no other option. This can make them feel trapped in the relationship.

Even if they make the changes you want them to make, they aren’t going to do it because they want to. They’ll do it because they have to do it. Because you’ve made them do it.

This could lead to resentment, and it doesn’t guarantee that they’ll change to begin with. They need to understand why you want them to make those changes. They should realize that those changes would be good for them and benefit your relationship. They should want to make those changes without being forced to make them.

3. Your partner can feel threatened.

A man sitting on a couch with a distressed expression, holding his head with one hand. A woman stands in the background with her back turned to him and arms crossed. The room has a minimalist design with a white brick wall, a bicycle, and shelves.

Ultimatums usually come with a deadline and a threat. If your partner doesn’t make the changes that you want them to in a specific amount of time, you will end your relationship. This is clearly a threat that can make your partner resent you.

Maybe they would like you to change something about your behavior. But have they threatened to leave you because of it? No, I thought not.

You should generally not threaten them with ending the relationship unless you are very serious about ending it. Even then, it might be best to get that message across through a calm and honest conversation.

No one likes to feel threatened. And, even if the threat works and they do what you want, they’ll resent you for making them do it. Your partner might already be afraid of losing you if they care about you. Threatening to leave them is not going to improve your relationship, even if you get your way.

4. Your partner could shut down.

Two people stand near the ocean on a sunny day. The person in the foreground with curly hair, eyes closed, wears a gray sweater. The person in the background, with light hair and a scarf, looks at the first person. The sea and clear sky are visible behind them.

It can be difficult to communicate with someone who’s giving you an ultimatum. Your partner could shut down and fear opening up to you.

When you want things your way or the high way, it leaves little to discuss. You’ve made your point without giving your partner a chance to explain themselves or offer a compromise.

Refusing to meet them in the middle can result in negative effects on your relationship. Try to see things from their point of view instead of giving them an ultimatum. Maybe there are some compromises that could be made or actions that could be taken to show there’s progress. You don’t leave much room for discussing things like that when you threaten to end the relationship.

Maybe what you want isn’t even what you really want. You might be upset about an issue that’s just a symptom of an underlying issue that will stay unresolved. When you’re demanding big and fast changes in your relationship, stop to consider the process of change and how long it might realistically take.

5. Your partner can feel manipulated.

A man and woman stand back to back with arms crossed, looking away from each other. The background shows a waterfront with a bridge and buildings under a warm, late-afternoon light. Both appear to be deep in thought or upset.

Are you really ready to end the relationship, or are you just trying to get your partner to do what you want?

Giving someone an ultimatum is much like manipulating them into doing what you want. Once the person figures out that you’re not really ready to end the relationship, they won’t change.

It’s never a good idea to give ultimatums if you can’t stick to them. Even if you can, leaving your partner because they failed to do a specific thing in a specific time frame isn’t the best way to end things. If they do what you want, they’ll probably feel manipulated into doing it.

What’s more, for the change to be long-lasting, it needs to come from them wanting to change. Your partner might just do what you say for a little while and go back to their old ways. Why? Because ultimatums don’t work. They might make your partner take some sort of action, but they don’t cause long-lasting healthy improvements.

6. Your partner might not want to change.

A man and woman sit on a couch looking deeply upset. The man, in the foreground, rests his chin on his clasped hands, appearing troubled. The woman, in the background, looks at him with a worried expression, arms crossed over her knees. Both wear serious expressions.

What if your partner doesn’t choose you? What if they choose the other option from the ultimatum?

Even if they care about you, they might be tempted to do that. If they don’t want to change, why would they try to be someone they’re not to keep you around?

Maybe you’re not requesting changes in their personality but in their behavior. But this still requires them to do something that they don’t want to do just so they could be with you.

What if they are willing to lose you just like you are willing to end the relationship? What if you are both bluffing? When you reach the point that you’re giving someone an ultimatum, in most cases, it is because you already wanted them to change, and they didn’t.

Why would an ultimatum work if nothing else has?

What if your partner doesn’t want to change to the point that they’re willing to lose you?

7. You might break up.

A man with a beard and tattoos, dressed in a beige t-shirt, is taking off his wedding ring while looking away with a concerned expression. He stands in front of a bed where a woman with long brown hair, dressed in white, sits with a sad expression.

You have to accept that an ultimatum might result in a breakup regardless of who does what.

Don’t forget that ultimatums come with a deadline, so they are like ticking bombs. Your partner probably can’t make real changes in such a short amount of time and under that kind of pressure. Even if they try to meet your needs, the ultimatum could cause an early breakup.

When you’re threatening to end the relationship, you are creating the possibility of it actually ending, and you can’t escape that. Any situation where a person is forced to choose one or the other outcome has only two outcomes.

Are you ready to lose your partner over this, or are you bluffing? Even if it’s a big issue, it’s better to try to solve it with time and communication.

8. Your partner could resent you if they change.

A woman sits on a grey couch looking down with a sad expression, while a man, also on the couch, gestures emphatically toward her with a frustrated look. They are in a modern living room with a glass door and a staircase in the background.

It has already been mentioned that your partner might resent you if they change, but you need to understand the extent of this resentment. After all, it could ruin your relationship.

When you’re making someone do something, they could later hold it against you. If your relationship has long-term potential you have to consider the consequences of such resentment.

Even if your partner makes the changes you want, you might not get what you want. You could get someone who just does what you say without actually being the person you want them to be. That’s not fair to either of you, and it makes your relationship unhealthy.

It’s okay if you want your partner to meet your needs. But do you really want them to do it just because you’re threatening to leave them? There are many other ways that you could use to inspire change and help them understand your perspective.

9. Your partner might not change.

A man and woman stand against a weathered wall. The man, partially out of frame, wears a baseball-style shirt. The woman, in glasses and a leather jacket, looks past the camera. They hold hands, creating a contrast between their disjointed gazes and connected hands.

What if your partner doesn’t manage to change in the set time frame even if they try to? You’ll be forced to stick to your word and leave them, or your ultimatum was just a way of manipulating them.

People don’t really change when they are forced to. They change because they want to and get the proper support and motivation to do it.

Is there a way that you could make your partner understand why they should make these changes? Can you accept being with them if they stay the same?

These are very important questions that you need to ask yourself before giving them an ultimatum. If you could live with the way things are now without ending the relationship, consider other ways you could motivate them to make changes.

10. Your partner might not take you seriouslyif you stay.

Close-up of a man and woman, both with serious expressions. The man, with short brown hair and facial hair, is slightly in profile, while the woman, with long blonde hair, gazes directly at the camera. Light wind is gently blowing her hair.

A very important part of threatening to leave is actually being ready to do it. If you give an ultimatum and stay with your partner even if they don’t make changes, they aren’t going to take you seriously from that point on. Even worse, they might take you for granted or refuse to change even more.

Don’t give ultimatums if you don’t intend to stick to your word. After all, your partner might call your bluff. And if you are ready to leave them, consider whether the ultimatum is your way of giving them the last chance. If it is, it might be a serious heart-to-heart conversation that you need to have with them. Don’t use threats that you blurt out in anger.