When should you NOT help someone? In these circumstances…
Not offering help is sometimes the best thing you can do for someone.
People find this hard to accept though. They don’t necessarily understand that ‘helping’ can be ‘enabling’. That is, perpetuating someone’s behavior by tolerating or inadvertently encouraging it.
So, when is not helping the best help you can offer?
1. When they aren’t trying to help themselves.
Everyone needs help from time to time. That’s normal. However, offering a little help becomes a much larger problem if they start taking advantage of it. If they don’t want to try, they need to live with the consequences of their lack of effort. Consider a young adult living with their parents. Are they working? Are they trying to get a job? Are they trying to contribute? Or are they just living off their parents’ money and care? If they aren’t trying, you’re not helping. You’re enabling.
2. When they haven’t asked for help.
Unsolicited help can undermine a person’s sense of competence. They may just need some time to figure things out or be allowed to do it themselves, even if they don’t get the best result. A good example is the elderly. It gets harder and harder to do the things you used to when you get older. However, letting a senior do the things they’re still capable of doing helps to reaffirm their independence and competency.
3. When it interferes with learning about consequences.
Consequences are an important part of learning. If you stick a fork in an electrical socket, you’re going to get zapped. It’ll hurt, and you’re going to learn not to do it again. Of course, some of us need to test that theory three or four times before we actually learn anything, but still, people need to suffer the consequences of their choices, so they don’t make those choices again.
4. When it makes them dependent.
Dependence in large doses is a bad thing because it strips people of their autonomy. Everyone needs to have the freedom to make their own choices to direct their own life whenever possible. Too much help can make a person dependent on your emotional labor or resources. It can foster a sense of entitlement as you’re now expected to provide whatever it is they’re dependent on.
5. When they’re seeking attention instead of solutions.
Some people act like they want help but really don’t. These people fall into the emotional vampire category, where they just suck emotional energy from you to feed something in themselves. They complain and complain and complain. You offer solutions, and they do nothing. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with venting in small doses. But if you keep hearing the same complaints, and they keep not doing anything to fix them, there’s no point in trying to help.
6. When they need to learn how to prioritize.
Some people frequently over-commit or just don’t know how to prioritize their time. Regularly bailing them out keeps them from learning not to do that. It also makes them dependent on you because they assume you’ll always help. They begin thinking, “Oh, I can just ask X for help” instead of saying no or picking the most important tasks to accomplish. It then becomes your responsibility to say no, when you shouldn’t have to.
7. When they’re developing critical thinking and problem-solving skills.
We must solve problems to develop our critical thinking. Problem solving is an essential skill to develop because as adults we are regularly faced with problems. If you swoop in and help someone every time they have an issue, you’re encouraging dependence and making it harder for them to learn how to figure things out for themselves. A good example is when a child moves out on their own. They’re going to have to figure out things like scheduling a doctor’s appointment, paying bills, and so on. You can show them, but you can’t do it for them, or they’ll never learn to do it themselves.
8. When it would prevent them from seeking professional help.
You may have run into a situation where others treat you as their personal therapist. They come to you, dump their issues on you, and then move on. This is enabling behavior and it prevents the person from getting meaningful help. Furthermore, it adds additional weight and responsibility to you as they come to expect your help. At some point, you have to enforce a boundary and say, “I can’t help you with this. It sounds like you need to speak with a therapist”.
9. When they need to learn to cope with failure.
Sometimes you can see it coming. The other person made a bad choice, and the consequences are on their way in. They run to you for support even though it’s the fourth time this has happened. At that point, you have two options. You can choose to save them from themselves, or you can choose to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. By letting them suffer the consequences, you let them learn how to face and cope with failure. This is such an important skill because everyone fails sooner or later.
10. When they need to develop resilience.
How fast can you bounce back from a setback? Many people have a difficult time with it. It’s even harder if someone always swoops in to help whenever things go bad. Granted, there are definitely times when you should help. If it’s likely it’ll damage their physical or mental health, assistance is required. But for minor things? It’s often better to let them experience those difficulties so they can learn not to sweat the smaller things so much.
The ability to let smaller problems roll off your back makes life much easier to navigate because you don’t worry so much about them. You experience the problem, realize it’s not going to work out, and then you pivot to a different approach. Resilience also makes big problems more manageable. Eventually, you realize that a major issue is something you can overcome with enough time and tenacity.
But that’s something people can only develop when they aren’t constantly helped out of those situations. So don’t be so sure that rushing in is always the right course of action. Not helping someone is often more valuable than you realize.
