Do you wish you had more charm and charisma?
When you’ve met someone you think is really charismatic, you’ve likely noticed certain traits about them that are engaging and admirable. In contrast, those whom you find tiresome—or whose company you’d prefer to avoid—also have a number of behaviors in common.
Here are 15 traits that may prevent you from being as charismatic as you otherwise could be, as well as techniques you can use to counteract them.
1. Talking about yourself (unless you’re asked).
There are few traits that are as off-putting in an individual as constantly talking about themselves. You’ve likely come across this type of person before in social gatherings: as soon as you introduce yourself, they launch into a monologue about their career, their hobbies, and their latest obsession, while name-dropping whenever possible.
Before you know it, you’ve heard all about the ringworm they got on holiday and how they once met the Queen’s third cousin once removed.
Avoid talking about things that make you seem boring, like your stamp collection, and switch the topic to something far more engaging. Also, asking others questions more than talking about yourself will cultivate an air of mystery around you, which people often find quite intriguing (and attractive).
2. Being arrogant.
Nobody is “better” than anyone else, regardless of how highly they may think of themselves. As such, few things can bring down someone’s charisma levels like behaving as though they’re superior to those around them. Arrogant behavior may include being overly judgmental about other people’s interests or possessions.
Arrogance can also include condescension, such as assuming someone may not be as well educated in a topic as you are, or putting others down in order to make yourself look better, smarter, or wealthier in comparison. Those who exhibit this kind of self-superiority tend to be rather insufferable to be around, and thus very low on the charisma scale.
Focus on raising others up rather than putting them down, and acknowledge their positive traits and accomplishments with respect instead of belittling them or comparing them to yourself.
3. Being inauthentic.
How do you feel about people who pretend to be something they’re not in order to win the approval or interest of others? People worldwide all wince at poseurs and wannabes who seem to be playing characters in costumes rather than being real.
It’s very easy to tell whether someone’s sincerely involved in a topic or pursuit rather than dabbling in it half-heartedly. Often they’ll babble about things they haven’t really delved into thoroughly (and thus make countless mistakes about it), or they’ll talk about how much they love something that they’ve done once (if that) but can’t offer any details beyond the superficial.
You don’t need to be something you aren’t in order to fit in with the crowd you’re aiming to be a part of. In fact, trying to do so will only backfire. Instead, try to be more outgoing by being the best and brightest version of your authentic self. You’ll be much more comfortable in your own skin, and people around you won’t treat you like you’re a sheep in a wolfskin.
4. Constantly talking about your problems or health issues.
Most of us have had the displeasure of being a captive audience while someone else moaned about their sciatica, their marital discord, or what happens to their innards if they eat raw kiwi. We all have issues to deal with, but that doesn’t mean we have to discuss them with those who haven’t specifically asked about them. Few topics will alienate others quite as much as diatribes about one’s myriad problems.
It seems to be a common practice nowadays to base one’s personality on a medical diagnosis or similar. That approach gets very tiresome to others, very quickly. You’re an amazing, multifaceted being who has so much more going on than the issues plaguing your temporary vessel.
5. Airing thoughts and grievances publicly.
We all have both gripes and very strong opinions about various subjects (or people), but that doesn’t mean that we need to share them. Unless you’re specifically asked your thoughts on a subject—especially a contentious one—it’s best to remain neutral and keep your feelings to yourself.
Additionally, remember that anything you post online is there forever. Consider how many people are now being haunted by things they posted on social media years ago. You may be a completely different person now than you were ten or twenty years ago, but a screen capture of something you whined about may be your undoing in the wrong circumstances or social circle.
Verbal griping and slandering may not leave the same tangible evidence around to be thrown in your face, but what’s said cannot be unsaid. If you don’t have anything positive to say, remain silent.
6. Gossiping.
Similarly to keeping your thoughts about various issues to yourself, avoid sharing your thoughts or feelings about others, especially if those feelings are either less than charitable or involve secrets or “juicy” details you may have heard from a third party.
Not only do people think very poorly about those who spread gossip about others, but they’ll also be less inclined to trust you with any of their own personal details.
After all, if you gossip about others to them, then you’re likely to gossip about them to others in turn.
Discuss ideas, creative endeavors, current events, and so on with your peers rather than making other people the topic of discussion. By doing so, you’ll earn a lot more respect from them, and show yourself to be trustworthy and discreet, especially when it comes to sensitive subject matter.
7. Needing constant external validation, encouragement, and praise.
People who constantly turn to other people for comfort, reassurance, and praise can be quite draining and exhausting. They’re often seen as “needy,” and often end up being avoided by those who don’t want to be depleted by someone else’s demands on their time and energy. This is especially true when we’re dealing with our own difficulties, but are expected to reassure and encourage others all the time.
We all have our insecurities, but we cannot depend on others to be a constant resource for us to draw from for our personal fortitude. By all means, share large accomplishments with those you care about so they can celebrate with you, but you don’t need to announce your great success every time you remember to shower or do your laundry so people can applaud your great achievements.
Learn to take pride in yourself on your own terms, with grace and dignity, instead of asking others to provide you with the validation you seek.
8. Being overly emotional around others.
Few things are less charismatic than losing emotional control in public. It’s one thing to cry at the office if you find out your spouse was just killed in a car accident; it’s another to weep because you had an argument with your boss.
Not only will people lose respect for those who go incandescent with rage or hysterical sobbing over something insignificant—they’ll often try to wind that person up in the future to watch them go ballistic because it’s free entertainment for them.
It’s fine to feel these things internally, but much like crying in public, if it’s done all the time people will lose respect for you. If you adopt childish behavior constantly, then that’s how others will see you. Essentially, if you don’t want to be treated like a toddler, don’t act like one.
9. Being lax about personal hygiene.
When you think of the most charismatic people you know, you probably don’t comment on how great it is that you can smell their pong from a mile away. In fact, they probably smell pretty good. You might be the most charming person in the world, but people won’t want to spend much time with you unless you make personal hygiene a top priority.
When it comes to personal care and grooming, put dental care high on the list. You don’t need to have a fake, bright white smile, but ensure that your teeth are clean and that your breath isn’t offensive. Always carry gum or mints with you just in case.
Make sure to bathe or shower regularly, and if you wear scents, do so subtly. Marinating in body spray or perfume can be just as unpleasantly overpowering as blinding body odor. People will be far more inclined to spend time with you and listen to all of your brilliant insights if they’re not scrambling for fresh air in your presence.
10. Being slovenly.
One of the key characteristics of charismatic people is that they’re generally well presented. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to wear luxury designer brands like Armani or Chanel, but ensure that your clothes are clean and that they aren’t full of holes. You don’t need to be wealthy in order to be well presented. Find a clothing style that suits you well, and then build a wardrobe that makes you feel strong and confident in yourself.
Check out thrift shops, either in person or online (such as Poshmark), and take advantage of sales when they happen. Hold yourself straight with good posture, move with purpose and grace, keep your nails trimmed and clean, and keep your hair well groomed. You’ll get a lot more interest and respect from people if you don’t look like a shambling laundry heap.
11. Not paying attention to social cues or body language.
Part of being charismatic includes being highly attuned to the unspoken cues going on around you, such as body language and the general energy in a space. This is part of what’s involved with “reading a room.” For example, if it’s late and everyone is tired and wanting to go to bed, that isn’t the time to grab a guitar and try to strike up a sing-along.
Keep an eye on how people are holding themselves near you. If their body is somewhat turned away, that means they want to leave. Similarly, if their eyes seem glazed and they’re either nodding or simply making “Uh-huh, yeah man” responses, they really aren’t engaged at all. At this point, it’s best to take your leave.
Some neurodiverse people have difficulty reading social cues through no fault of their own. If you fall into this category, it is a skill you can learn to some degree, but don’t feel you have to put on an act around others just to be liked – you are good just as you are.
12. Being obtuse about your surroundings and audience.
We discussed “reading the room” earlier, and this expands to your circumstances and audience. If you want to be considered charismatic, tailor your speech and behavior to your immediate surroundings. There are appropriate and inappropriate things to say and do in any given situation, so be aware of where you are and with whom you’re interacting.
Avoid making vulgar jokes with elderly people, especially if they’re quite conservative. Don’t offer bacon or alcohol to Muslim guests, avoid playing Norwegian death metal in churches (unless specifically requested to do so), speak quietly and avoid laughing in somber situations like funerals, and refrain from twerking at weddings where a lot of children are present. Basically, behave in a dignified manner and you can’t go wrong.
13. Lecturing without asking if others are already familiar with the subject matter.
Few things make people as uncomfortable and irritated as being lectured about a subject without first being asked what they already know about it. You may be fairly well-read about a topic you’re passionate about, but that doesn’t mean that others aren’t just as knowledgeable as you are, if not more so. This is why it’s so important to first ask how familiar a person is with topic X before launching into intense detail about it.
If you don’t, you may end up quite humiliated when you find out that the person you’re lecturing as if they’re a novice is in fact an expert in the field, and you’ve just made a fool of yourself in front of the crowd you want to impress.
14. Focusing on negativity.
Charismatic people tend to be able to find something positive in just about any situation. As a result, they inspire others with their positivity, and often have large groups around them who are basking in their light. In contrast, those who have nothing but negativity and complaints to share are often left alone in a dark corner, and with good cause.
Quite frankly, if you want to be interesting to talk to, stop griping about everything. You may think it’s terribly charming to be the surly curmudgeon of the group, but understand that you’re the only one who believes that. There’s enough difficulty and ugliness going on in the world without you adding to it.
15. Exhibiting poor manners and social graces.
You don’t have to have royal etiquette, but do try to behave with the highest degree of manners and courtesy possible. This will need to be adapted in different circumstances—especially as etiquette expectations vary between countries and social groups—but there are certain cornerstones that hold true regardless of where you are.
In general, refrain from chewing with your mouth open when eating, don’t pick your nose, and avoid belching or passing gas in company. If you have bodily functions to attend to or you have an itch anywhere other than your face or hands, go and take care of your personal needs in a washroom or otherwise away from others.
Do your research to find out how to best adhere to expected social graces wherever you are. Be respectful and courteous toward others, keep your bodily functions to yourself, avoid getting blind drunk in public, try not to eat like you were raised by wolves, and you should do just fine.
If you want to be even more charismatic, however, consider either taking some etiquette classes or watching YouTube tutorials about elegant table manners, body language, and so on. Additionally, you can watch older films to take note of how people behaved around others.
Furthermore, try to adhere to these behaviors at home, even when you’re by yourself. The more you practice excellent etiquette, the more it’ll become second nature to you.
