6 Reasons Never To Bring Up The Past In Arguments With Your Partner

What’s so bad about dragging up the past anyway?

A couple sits on a bed in an argument. The man on the left, wearing a white t-shirt, gestures emphatically with one hand. The woman on the right, wearing a green t-shirt, appears distressed, resting her head in one hand while looking upwards.

The things that we or our partners have done in the past can cast long shadows over our present and future relationship if we let them.

The most common time for these things to raise their heads again is during arguments.

When tensions rise and partners come to blows, the temptation to bring up the past can be too much to resist.

But the result is rarely what we hope it might be.

Here are 6 reasons not to bring up the past in arguments, plus some tips for dealing with a partner who does.

1. It prevents issues from ever being fully resolved.

A woman with short red hair and a man with short brown hair sit in bed under white blankets, facing away from each other and looking upset. The woman sits with her arms crossed, while the man rests his arms on the bed. Both have neutral blue and white attire.

The more you cover old ground in a relationship, the more you reinforce those memories.

The events and the issues surrounding those events become defining moments of your relationship.

When you drag up past transgressions, you stop yourself from ever fully coming to terms with them and forgiving your partner for them.

It’s the equivalent of ripping a scab off a wound over and over again before the skin underneath is fully healed. The wound will just continue to ooze and form a scab in an endless cycle.

That scab will likely become infected over time and need more extensive treatment to heal. Likewise, your relationship will suffer more and more each time an old wound is reopened until it needs serious attention to fix it.

2. It burdens you with additional emotional load.

A man and a woman sit on a park bench with serious expressions. The man has his head in his hand, looking down, while the woman sits beside him with her arms crossed, staring in the opposite direction. They appear to be having a disagreement.

An argument is probably going to have an emotional element to it as it is.

But when you add the past into the mix, you unleash a whole other emotional load.

Our mind tends to hold onto negative past experiences more than it does positive ones and it is believed that this is because of the strength of negative emotions and how they attach themselves to events and memories.

So when you rake up old ground, you spark those old memories and this causes the emotions surrounding those memories to explode.

3. It can cause little disagreements to spiral into much bigger fights.

A man and a woman in loungewear are sitting on a bed against a white brick wall. The man is covering his face with one hand and appears distressed, while the woman, with curly hair, is gesturing emphatically with her hands, as if expressing strong emotions.

Those emotions mentioned above have the effect of eclipsing the original issue that was being discussed.

So what was a minor disagreement suddenly has fuel poured onto it, making it into a much bigger conflict.

The net result is an argument that will leave you both feeling terrible instead of an issue that could have been dealt with calmly.

4. It prolongs the punishment one person faces.

An older woman with short blonde hair is angrily pointing a finger and yelling at an older man. The man, with graying hair, appears distressed, holding his hand to his forehead. They are in a light-colored room with a plant hanging in the background.

If your partner has done something regretful in the past, it is quite likely that they already carry that regret with them.

But when you raise that past misdemeanor in the present, you are effectively punishing them for it again.

The guilt they feel will come back. The regret they have will be amplified. They will feel pretty bad about themselves.

5. It causes resentment for both partners.

A woman in a plaid shirt rests her head on her hand and looks pensive. In the background, a man with a gray beard sits with his head resting on his hand, appearing equally contemplative. Both have expressions suggesting sadness or deep thought.

Resentment occurs when we feel we have been mistreated by someone.

And when someone brings up the past in an argument, that resentment is felt in both directions.

The person raising the past has their resentment of that mistake or action reignited.

The person who made the original mistake begins to resent their partner for holding onto the issue and dragging it up all the time. And each time the past is raised, the resentment grows stronger.

6. Memories of the past are never fully accurate.

A man with a serious expression sits on a couch, leaning his head on his hand. In the background, a woman is sitting on the same couch, turned away, also appearing upset. A bookshelf with various items is in the background. The scene suggests tension or conflict.

When you rake up past events and go over them again and again, you are probably remembering them slightly differently each time.

No one can ever have a perfect memory of the past and that is even more the case if you have stewed over events for a prolonged period of time.

Your mind skews the memories. Your emotions and thoughts regarding the events morph the details each time you remember them.

That’s not to say that you will misremember the underlying reasons for those memories, but you might add or remove context that affects how you respond to it.

5 Ways To Deal With A Partner Who Brings Up The Past

A man and a woman sit on a blue couch having an animated conversation. The man, gesturing with his hands, wears a light blue shirt and jeans, while the woman, listening intently, wears a beige sweater and jeans. A plant and a shelf with books are in the background.

Now that you know why dragging up the past is such a terrible idea, what should you do when your partner does exactly that? How should you respond when they insist on going over old ground again? That’s what the next few slides will explain.

1. Don’t apologize again.

A man in a blue plaid shirt sits beside a distressed woman with blond hair on a couch. He has his arm around her and his hand on her knee, offering comfort as she holds her head in her hands. They appear to be having a serious conversation.

Whatever you do, don’t say you’re sorry for the past mistake if you have already apologized for it and taken full ownership of it.

Doing so only encourages this behavior because your partner will know that it works to put you on the back foot.

Of course, if you are repeating the same mistake, you will need to apologize again, but if your partner has no valid reason to go over old ground, you have no valid reason to apologize.

2. Bring the focus of the discussion back to the issue at hand.

A man and woman are sitting at a table near a window, having a conversation. The man gestures with his hands, while the woman looks at him, holding a phone. On the table are two mugs, a plate with cookies, and a plate with toast and jam.

Should your partner try to move the argument onto past issues for whatever reason, just keep returning the focus back to whatever initially caused the argument.

Simply say something along the lines of, “That’s not the issue we’re talking about right now. Let’s focus on…”

Don’t give in to repeated attempts to sidetrack the conversation. Just keep insisting that they stick to the issue at hand.

3. Agree to a separate time when the past issue can be discussed.

A woman and a man lean against a wooden railing, facing each other. The woman, with long dark hair and wearing a white top, looks thoughtful. The man, in a checkered shirt, rests his head on his hand and gazes at the woman. They appear to be in conversation.

If they seem determined to talk about things from the past, you can agree to discuss them at a later point in time so that it does not interfere with the thing you want to resolve now.

Just say, “I appreciate that you want to talk about that, but now is not the right time. Why don’t be sit down and dedicate a conversation to it tomorrow evening or this weekend?”

If they insist that now is the right time, hold your ground and keep suggesting another time.

4. Validate their feelings.

A woman and a man are having an animated discussion in a modern kitchen. The woman has long curly hair and is gesturing with her hands, while the man is talking with his hands open in front of him. Various fruits, vegetables, and kitchen items are on the countertop.

If your partner is bringing up past hurts, there’s a good chance that they still have feelings about it.

So it’s important that you say and do things that validate those feelings. But then you can remind them that this is a new problem.

Say something like, “I know that you’re still feeling hurt by what happened and that’s okay, but we were discussing a different issue and I think it’s best to stick to that new issue right now.”

Don’t say things like, “We’ve dealt with that, why do you have to keep talking about it?” You may have discussed it, but that doesn’t mean they feel okay about it now.

5. Look for solutions together.

A close-up of two people sitting on a couch holding hands. One person wears a long-sleeved striped shirt and jeans, and the other wears a light jacket and jeans. They are sitting closely together, providing support and comfort to each other.