Can you save your marriage?
The fact that you have found your way here suggests you still want your marriage to work.
By acting now and putting the right sort of work in, you can save your marriage from falling apart completely.
When you’ve made a vow to someone to spend the rest of your life with them, you owe it to both of you to give your marriage every chance of succeeding.
If you’re feeling at a loss of where to begin, start by eradicating these unhelpful behaviors from your relationship.
1. Putting all the blame on your partner.
It’s easy to put the blame on everything and everyone else when your relationship starts taking a turn for the worse.
You might think that it’s just down to your partner that your marriage seems to be failing, but are you sure it’s your partner and not you too, who needs to make some changes?
Yes, there might be things your partner needs to work on in your eyes if you want to save your marriage. But you must consider the situation from their perspective too.
You may disagree with them, but ultimately a marriage is made up of two people, and just because it’s not your perspective, it doesn’t make your partner’s feelings any less important or valid than your own.
If you are expecting them to work on themselves to save your marriage, then you should be prepared to work on yourself too if you’re genuinely willing to try anything to make your marriage work.
It’s healthy to keep checking in on yourself and the part you play in your relationship. We are not perfect, and it’s easy to slip into habits and routines that could be adding to the tension between you and your partner without you even realizing.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to put in as much effort as you expect to see from your other half. Only if you’re both prepared to go the distance can you salvage a fair and respectful relationship.
2. Living in the past or the future.
Do you find yourself distracted thinking about past events in your relationship or worrying about its future? If so, you need to start paying more attention to the present.
Imagining obstacles in your future, or focusing on a difficult time you’ve been through, will only cause you to concentrate on scenarios out of your control that will put you in a negative mindset when it comes to your marriage.
As much as you might want to, you can’t predict the future, and you can’t change the past. If either of these timelines are what’s bringing angst into your relationship now, then you have to let them go.
If you say you’ve moved on from a past mistake your partner made, then you need to commit to moving on and not dragging past arguments into the present. Equally, if you don’t know how the future will play out, then you must let go of trying to control something that can’t be predicted.
Focus on what is within your ability to change and make better, and that’s the present. Start taking an interest in who your partner is right now, begin enjoying life for exactly what it is. Stop ignoring everything you have right in front of you and give it the real-time attention it deserves before it’s too late.
3. Assuming your partner knows what you want.
Even if there is something in your relationship that seems obvious that both you and your partner need to work on, it’s always worth talking about it together. Never assume that your partner understands what you need from them unless you’ve talked about it first.
Even if you think one thing, your partner may be approaching the situation from a completely different point of view. They may not prioritize the same things as you do when it comes to saving your marriage.
Have you been vague about the changes you want your partner to make? Don’t expect them to make an effort if you haven’t spoken about what exactly you want to see from them. If you know that something has to change but you can’t articulate it yourself, then how can you expect your partner to know what to do to make you happy?
Think about some actionable changes to your partner’s behavior that they can easily put into practice that you feel will help your relationship get back into a positive place. Have a conversation to see how they feel about your ideas and be clear about what it is you need to see from them and why.
If you want this marriage to work, then you need to be a team. Neither of you should expect the other to put in all the effort, and you must be willing to help each other if you want to get back to a positive place in your marriage.
4. Having unrealistic expectations.
Are you really giving your marriage a chance?
Have you ever wondered if the expectations you have of your spouse are too high to meet?
Both of you are only human, and if you are comparing your marriage against a fairytale romance and wondering why it’s not looking the same, that’s because one is real life and the other is not.
You deserve to have the best relationship possible and to be happy, but before you end the relationship you have, think about the expectations you’re asking your spouse to live up to and if they’re fair.
There will always be elements to work on in a relationship, but if you’re expecting your partner to be someone they’re not, because that’s what you think your relationship should look like, then you’re setting them up to fail.
Every relationship is unique and if you’re comparing yours too closely to someone else’s and blaming your partner for why it doesn’t look the same, then it’s never going to work.
Concentrate on the spouse and relationship you have and think about obtainable changes you can work on together to save your marriage. Be willing to rethink some of your own expectations as much as you expect your partner to meet them. Relationships aren’t a fairytale, but they can have a happily ever after if you’re willing to compromise.
5. Ignoring the basics.
When you’ve been together for a long time, you might be feeling as though you’ve lost the intimacy and romantic spark you had at the beginning.
Over time, you’ve become too comfortable with your spouse and lost the flirty intensity of those early days of dating.
It’s totally normal to feel that your attraction to each other has changed over time. Just because you don’t have the nervous excitement of your early relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other or that your marriage is falling apart.
If you’re still worried that you’re losing your connection to each other, try flirting with your spouse. It sounds simple, but it could be the catalyst you need to get back some of that physical attraction you’re missing.
Get dressed up for a date night, organize some time away for just the two of you, or relive one of your first dates to remind you of better times and the reasons that you wanted to be together in the first place.
There’s always room for fun and romance no matter how long you’ve been together, and it’s making the effort to prioritize these little moments that can have the biggest impact.
6. Being inattentive to your partner.
If you feel like your marriage is falling apart, have you considered how much time and attention you actually give to your spouse?
Rather than focusing on big issues you think you need to solve to make your relationship work, start by thinking about small changes you could put in place that could bring you closer together again.
Simply taking more of an interest in your partner is one of those simple, but effective changes that could make all the difference to the closeness you share.
There’s always time to ask your partner how their day was, organize dates together, try activities that you know they enjoy, or just have a conversation with them about their friends or hobbies.
It shows you care about their happiness and value every part that makes them who they are. By taking an interest in each other again, you’ll stop feeling as though you are drifting apart as individuals and start becoming reacquainted with all the reasons you chose to marry this person in the first place.
7. Neglecting physical intimacy.
Along with romance, making time for physical intimacy can stop becoming a priority too.
You’re tired, you’ve come home from work late, your partner’s been working away, and the kids have kept you up. These are just some of the reasons why you might not be feeling in the mood, but if you want to save your marriage you need to find a way past them.
Being physically intimate is the time for intense closeness that only you and your spouse share. It’s a connection and closeness that reaffirms the bond of love, familiarity, and trust you have developed.
Physical chemistry keeps your physical attraction to each other alive and helps you feel more confident in yourself and in tune as a couple.
If you’re not often physically intimate anymore, then you’re missing the opportunity to physically affirm your emotional closeness. Without this intimacy, you and your spouse may drift apart.
8. Neglecting fun.
Even if there are issues in your marriage that you feel you need to address, it shouldn’t be your sole focus. You don’t want to make an already difficult situation worse.
Life is full of responsibilities and negativity, but it’s the small moments of fun and laughter that make even the tough times manageable.
Avoid getting so caught up in everything that you want to fix in your relationship that you forget to enjoy the little opportunities for fun and happiness when they come.
It’s ok to laugh even if you have your struggles. Being solely focused on serious problems can put so much pressure on your relationship that you end up driving each other further away.
You want to become each other’s “happy place” again, rather than a source of angst and worry for your partner. So, when you can, take the time to lighten up, be silly, and have some fun. You may just find that life doesn’t seem so bad.
9. Misunderstanding your partner’s communication style.
The fastest way for a marriage to go downhill is a lack of communication with your partner.
Getting your point across and actually having your partner listen and take to heart how you feel is one of the most difficult aspects of building a successful marriage.
You can’t expect your partner to know how you feel or what you want them to do if you don’t tell them. Equally, you need to know the right words to use and ways to say them to help your spouse understand their real meaning.
Your partner’s way of communicating and assimilating information could be entirely different from your own. Misunderstanding and miscommunication are what can make little problems turn into big issues and cause arguments that are hard to move past.
Taking the time to work out an effective method of communication is essential if you want to save your marriage. Learning to apologize, take accountability, forgive, take a breath when you’re emotional, and be respectful to each other are all elements that you need to work on.
If you can’t seem to find a way to communicate effectively together, consider asking for help from a marriage counselor or therapist who can guide you on your way.
10. Refusing to make changes to your behavior.
If your partner feels a certain way about your behavior, and it’s something that they have shared with you, then you must be willing to compromise, listen, and make changes for the sake of their happiness.
This marriage includes the both of you, and you have to accept that just as you have changes you’d like to see your partner make to improve things, they could have similar expectations of you.
If you are willing to stay and listen to what your partner has to say, then you have to be willing to act on it too. It’s not fair to expect your partner to change their habits for your sake and not be willing to do the same. Their thoughts and opinions are just as valid as yours.
A relationship is a two-way street. Expecting your partner to do things you wouldn’t, or to save your marriage without trying just as hard as they are, isn’t showing commitment or respect to the relationship you share.
You get out what you put into a relationship, and if you’re not willing to change for the sake of your partner, then you must deal with the consequences.
11. Ignoring personal development.
It doesn’t have to be something as drastic as physically taking a break from your partner, but taking some time to focus on yourself could be just what you need to save your relationship.
Even as a couple, you are still two individual people with your own needs. You can’t get the best out of your relationship if you’re not bringing the best version of yourself to it.
Over time, you might feel as though you’ve lost your identity as your own person, separate from your partner. Taking some time on your own to see your friends, enjoying your hobbies, and just doing something for yourself can help you reconnect with the part of you that you feel you’ve neglected.
Your marriage should bring out the best in who you both are, not stifle it. By prioritizing how you feel about yourself, you can better approach how you feel about your partner and your relationship.
Be ready to bring your whole self back to your marriage, and stop identifying as just one half.
12. Propping up a one-sided marriage.
No matter how much you want your marriage to work, it never will if only one of you is putting in the effort.
It takes two to keep a marriage alive, and although you might think you can keep it going by taking on all the responsibility yourself, at some point, you have to question if it’s worth the effort.
You can’t shoulder the responsibility of keeping both you and your partner happy. Each of you should be equally invested in the marriage you share and that means being equally willing to put in the work to keep it fulfilling for the both of you.
You deserve a partner who wants to be with you, makes you happy, and is willing to put the work in.
Despite the issues, you both have to want your marriage to last. If your partner doesn’t seem to be putting in the effort or willing to make the changes needed to get your marriage back on track, then nothing on your part is going to be able to keep it from falling apart.
13. Being dishonest about your feelings.
It’s no good telling your spouse what you think they want to hear just to save an argument or make them feel better when it’s not really what you think.
Hiding your real emotions will only make the situation worse in the long term as your frustration and discontent continue to bubble under the surface.
Keeping your feelings to yourself means that the truth is much more likely to come out when you’re in an already emotional state, like a heated argument, and you’re much less likely to communicate how you feel in a constructive way.
Neither of you can help the other if you’re not being honest. Even if it’s difficult to hear, it’s better to tell the truth so you know where you both stand, rather than avoiding your real issues.
If you’re not happy in your marriage, then telling your partner doesn’t have to mean the end of it. It can be an opportunity to talk about how you can get your relationship back to the place you want it to be and work on saving it together.
14. Taking your partner for granted.
Acknowledging your partner is one of the simplest ways to help rekindle that sense of affection between you.
When you think about it, how often do you thank your partner for the things they do for you every day?
Do you take it for granted that they cook, clean, and pick the kids up from school? Did you acknowledge that they had a bad day at work but still remembered to ask about your day? When was the last time you told them you are grateful for the help they give you throughout the week?
Showing appreciation for all the things your partner does to help your life and your relationship, no matter how small, will not only make them feel more valued, but also help you to remember not to take your partner for granted.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or what you expect from each other at this point in your marriage, there is always time to show that you appreciate each other. It’s the little things that keep a relationship strong, and if you want to stop your marriage from falling apart, start by remembering why you’re thankful for it in the first place.
15. Not prioritizing your marriage.
Your marriage might have been the foundation of a new family or new life but it shouldn’t take a backseat to any of these things. Whatever distractions and responsibilities there are that come with being married, you should always remember that it’s the relationship you have with your partner that all of this depends on.
Your marriage isn’t something that should be ignored for the sake of everything else.
Just because you are married, doesn’t mean you should stop putting effort into your relationship. You need to give time to your relationship; it must remain a top priority.
Without the relationship between you and your spouse, everything that depends on it wouldn’t exist. There would be no home, no family gatherings, no children, or pets. Making your marriage a priority benefits not only you, but everyone else too.
16. Refusing to accept your partner’s point of view.
Just because your spouse doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they’re wrong.
You want them to listen to you and take seriously how you feel, and you need to give your partner the same respect.
They’re not always going to have the same point of view as you, especially in arguments when you both think you’re in the right. But in a marriage, there’s not always a right way and a wrong way; you’re just two people expressing how you feel.
You must be open to listening to how your partner feels and acknowledging it even if it’s something you don’t always agree with.
You don’t have to have the same opinion or even think that your partner is justified in the way they are feeling, but you should give them the courtesy of listening to them just as you would want to be heard. You must accept the part you have played in making them feel the way they do.
Respect should always be kept at the heart of your relationship, especially during conflicts. No one wins in an argument, and there can’t be a winner and a loser in a marriage when you’re fighting for the same team.
17. Being disrespectful when you speak to your partner.
If you approach your partner in a patronizing, argumentative, or passive-aggressive way, then you have to expect them to have a negative reaction, just like you would.
If you truly want to make a difficult situation better, then approaching your partner with a forced tone isn’t the way to start.
If you want your spouse to listen to you, then you must think about not only what you’re saying, but how you’re saying it.
Shouting across your point is only going to be met with anger and defensiveness. No one wants to be shouted or screamed at, and it’s not an effective way to make someone listen.
Talk to your partner about how you would want to be spoken to and think about what you’re saying. The more approachable you are, the more likely they are to open up and have a positive conversation rather than descending into a shouting match and making the situation worse.
You can’t take back something once it’s been said, so be mindful of your words and your tone if fixing your marriage is really what you want.
Finally…
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It’s not something to get into lightly, and it’s not something to give up on without serious consideration either.
You’ve probably heard that marriage takes work, but to have a successful relationship with the same person for the rest of your life is no simple feat.
You never know what you’re going to face as time goes on, and life might not turn out how you imagined it would when you stood together on your wedding day. Difficult situations can drive people apart and change the way they feel about each other.
In these times, remembering the commitment you made to each other to face whatever life throws at you might be the only motivation you have to give your relationship a second chance. But a second chance is worth it if you can come out the other side stronger.
Saving a marriage might not be easy, and in some cases, not even possible. But by giving it every chance to work, you can be comforted in knowing that you honored the commitment you made by doing everything you could.
