7 Signs Micromanaging Is Destroying Your Marriage

Micromanaging is not healthy.

A man wearing a gray t-shirt and glasses sits on a couch with a distressed expression, resting his forehead on his fingers. A woman in a yellow shirt and light blue pants sits farther away, looking at him with concern. They are in a bright room with white walls.

The primary reason micromanaging is so harmful is that it creates numerous imbalances in a relationship.

If you’ve been micromanaging your relationship, you’ve likely encountered at least some of the following feelings or situations. Take them as warning signs that all is not well in your marriage:

1. You’ve become master and servant.

A person is vacuuming a carpeted floor in a bedroom with a blue bed and white bedding in the background. The individual is wearing a light blue shirt, beige pants, and dark slippers. The vacuum cleaner is black with a long, flexible hose.

Micromanaging places one partner in the position of manager with the other as subordinate.

This can cause intense resentment on both sides.

The one micromanaging feels frustrated and overwhelmed by the responsibilities that weigh on them daily. And the one being managed feels disrespected and infantilized because their so-called “partner” is bossing them around like a parent or older sibling.

Unless you’re in a consensual Dom/sub relationship in which you’ve literally signed up for this, neither of you is going to enjoy this dynamic.

2. Your partner feels like a child.

A woman with long brown hair, wearing a white top and pink pants, sits on a couch gesturing with her hands up, looking distressed. She is talking to a man with short hair wearing a light blue shirt and beige pants, who is facing her with his back to the camera.

A person who’s being micromanaged will inevitably feel a loss of autonomy and sovereignty.

Having someone tell you what to do all the time isn’t just demoralizing, it’s demeaning.

In the same way that whatever is done to a person’s body should be their own choice, so too should any decisions they make or actions they take.

We tell children what to do because they have neither the capacity nor awareness to consider everything that’s necessary to govern their little worlds.

But unless a person has a significantly diminished mental capacity and needs to be governed in a more childlike manner, micromanaging them is disrespectful.

They’ll end up feeling like they don’t have a say in their own lives, and that they’re either a household slave or a child.

3. Your intimate life is suffering.

A woman with blonde hair lies on her side in bed, looking down and appearing upset. A man with short dark hair sits beside her, gesturing with his hand as if trying to communicate. Both are dressed in casual white clothing, and the bed is white.

You may also be experiencing intimacy erosion.

This is where a previously intimate relationship becomes platonic or sibling-like over time.

It often occurs when one person is overfunctioning or micromanaging the other, which causes intense resentment on both sides.

Very few people want to be intimate with someone they have to parent all the time. Similarly, few people want to be intimate with someone who bosses them around like a parent or work supervisor.

The more polarized your relationship gets, and the more resentful you both become, the further apart you’ll grow until you’re in a platonic partnership that neither of you enjoys.

4. You no longer respect each other.

A woman with long hair stands with her arms crossed, looking away, while a man with short hair wearing a plaid shirt gestures with his hands. They are in a modern kitchen with white cabinets and stainless steel appliances in the background.

It’s difficult to respect someone who you feel you need to micromanage all the time.

While you may not be in a full-on parent/child role as described above, you may certainly lose respect for your partner if you constantly have to guide them instead of them taking the initiative to sort things out themselves.

Life is difficult enough to manage for yourself, let alone having to manage two lives because one person seems incapable of getting their stuff together for whatever reason.

Similarly, the partner who’s being ordered around may lose respect for the loved one who’s behaving like a drill sergeant—especially if the directives they’re giving don’t make sense, or seem utterly inappropriate.

After all, the controlling one will likely refuse to admit if and when they’re wrong about what they’re trying to be controlling about.

5. You feel constant disappointment and hurt.

A woman and a man are sitting across from each other at a table in a restaurant. The woman looks concerned, resting her chin on her hands and looking at the man, who is gesturing with his hands. The table has white tablecloths, red napkins, and a small potted plant.

Feeling constantly disappointed by your partner can be immensely hurtful on both sides.

The one who’s let down by the other’s shortcomings—especially when it comes to taking care of home responsibilities or keeping their word—will end up feeling unappreciated and not worth the effort.

Meanwhile, the one who keeps dropping the ball will know full well that they’re a disappointment to their partner.

They may regularly do lots of things right but never get any praise or positive reinforcement. The only time they’re ever noticed is when they do something wrong.

This dynamic wears away at both people’s self-confidence. One feels unseen and taken for granted, and the other feels like a worthless failure.

6. Your mental health is suffering.

A person with short hair sits on a beige couch, holding a glass of red wine, appearing thoughtful. They wear a gray sweater, brown pants, and wool socks. The room is softly lit, featuring plants, a vintage radio, and a framed photograph on the wall.

Both the micromanager and the micromanagee can suffer from mental health challenges because of this relationship dynamic.

The one who’s being controlling may feel immense stress from constant overfunctioning.

This can lead to anxiety and insomnia, but can also cause a full-on nervous breakdown if they don’t get relief from the burden of responsibility (whether chosen or inflicted).

In turn, the one being micromanaged may also suffer from anxiety, and feel like they’re always walking on eggshells lest they get yelled at for doing something wrong.

They may also suffer depression from a lack of autonomy and feel like their life isn’t their own. This can decrease their functional capacity even further.

7. Your physical health is suffering.

A woman with blonde hair wearing a pink sweater and blue jeans sits on a gray couch with several white and gray pillows, holding her stomach and appearing to be in pain.

It isn’t just mental health that’s affected by situations like these either.

Remember that whatever affects us mentally and emotionally will also manifest physically, and vice versa.

As such, the stress, anxiety, and depression that can result from micromanaging can take physical form in numerous ways.

These may include (but are not limited to): digestive problems, chronic headaches such as migraines, back and shoulder pain, lowered immune response (i.e. greater susceptibility to various illnesses), and/or tremors from adrenal overload.

If these issues persist long-term, they can even increase the risk of life-threatening conditions such as strokes, aneurysms, or heart attacks.

Finally…

A close-up of a therapist's hands holding a pen and notepad, gesturing while speaking. In the background, a couple sits on a couch, attentively listening with their hands placed on their laps. The setting appears to be a counseling or therapy session.