If There's A Covert Narcissist In Your Life, Here's How To Handle Them

What Is A Covert Narcissist?

A man sits on a couch with his head in his hands, appearing distressed. A woman sits beside him, gently placing her hand on his shoulder, offering comfort and support. Both are dressed in casual gray attire. The background is simple and uncluttered.

It’s fairly easy to spot an overt narcissist when you come across one, as they’re usually brash, arrogant, selfish, and self-aggrandizing.

In contrast, the signs of a covert narcissist are more difficult to spot. In fact, some people spend years with close friends or partners before they realize that they’re dealing with a covert narcissist.

Whereas an overt narcissist will be loud and obviously arrogant, loudly boasting about their position or achievements, a covert narcissist is naturally introverted. They don’t display the rabid sense of self-importance often associated with overt, extraverted narcissists, nor do they feel that they deserve special treatment because they’re somehow better than others.

Instead, they take all that narcissistic energy and blast it inward. They feel that they don’t deserve love, compassion, or other positive energy because they’re somehow undeserving.

As a result, covert or vulnerable narcissists try to prove their worth to others via their perception of self-sacrifice and martyrdom. Then, if they don’t receive the appreciation and accolades they feel they’ve earned, they fall into a pit of self-loathing, resentment, and depression.

How Do You Deal With Them?

A man in a green sweater sits on a couch, gently touching the shoulder of a woman in a striped pink-and-white long-sleeve shirt and blue jeans. The woman looks down, appearing upset or deep in thought, while the man looks at her with concern.

If you have a relationship with a covert vulnerable narcissist, you may feel unsure of how to deal with them. Many people say that they feel there’s “no winning” with a narcissist—especially an introverted one—but there are some ways you can adapt to their behavior, circumvent certain responses, and protect yourself.

1. Learn to recognize their signs and behaviors.

A woman in a pink shirt is looking concerned as she rests her hand on the forehead of a man in a maroon shirt, who appears deep in thought. They are sitting on a dark blue couch, with the woman leaning towards the man.

Although many covert narcissists will display the same types of behaviors, they will often be unique to the individual. As such, it’s important to learn how to read the one(s) you have in your life so that you get to know their tells and patterns.

For instance, over the years you may have realized that your partner will back out of any social engagement they agree to by claiming they aren’t feeling well, and then trying to get you to cancel so you’ll stay home and take care of them.

Or they’ll counter any upset you have with them by exploding into tears about how useless and worthless they are so you’ll stop “being mean” to them.

2. Don’t take their behavior personally.

A couple sits on a bed in an argument. The man on the left, wearing a white t-shirt, gestures emphatically with one hand. The woman on the right, wearing a green t-shirt, appears distressed, resting her head in one hand while looking upwards.

A vulnerable narcissist’s behavior has everything to do with them and how they experience the world, and very little to do with you.

In fact, anyone could be in your position and they would react to them exactly the same way.

This is often why you’ll hear vulnerable narcissists talk about how they experienced the same situations with every friend or partner they ever had—if those types of behaviors repeat themselves, you know there’s something else going on.

3. View them as a child.

A woman with long brown hair in a leather jacket sits at a table, looking concerned with her hands near her mouth. She faces a person with curly hair and glasses, who is turned away from the camera. They are indoors, with a cup of coffee on the table.

Try to view the covert narcissist in your life as a wounded child instead of an autonomous, capable adult. We tend to be much more tolerant of children’s poor behaviors because they haven’t learned any better. Since these covert narcissists are basically repeating behavioral patterns established in their wounded childhoods, they haven’t developed the mechanisms to behave differently either.

If you wouldn’t be manipulated by a pouting 10-year-old child who’s trying to guilt you into doing her chores for her, don’t allow a sulking, overgrown 30-year-old child to affect you either.

4. Avoid taking part in their lies and delusions.

A man with a beard and tattoos, dressed in a beige t-shirt, is taking off his wedding ring while looking away with a concerned expression. He stands in front of a bed where a woman with long brown hair, dressed in white, sits with a sad expression.

Most covert narcissists seek out support and validation, and thus try to coax others into playing along with them. When people don’t, they tend to be vilified or punished for hurting the narcissist’s feelings. That often makes those close to them feel obligated to perform in an expected way to keep the peace.

This doesn’t mean that you need to bark at a covert narcissist who’s lying about their suffering or claiming that others were bullying them, but instead, simply stand your ground.

5. Give them a reality check.

A middle-aged couple sits on a white couch engaged in conversation. The man, with gray hair, is wearing a white shirt, and the woman, with blonde hair, is wearing a light blue striped shirt. Shelves with glassware are visible in the background.

You can do this indirectly, as your goal isn’t to make them feel disempowered but rather to give them a reality check.

For instance, if they’re overplaying poor health symptoms and suggesting that you need to cancel plans because they’re unwell, you can say that if they’re feeling so bad, you can either call an ambulance or drop them off at the E.R. for some tests. In most cases, they’ll back off about it and miraculously feel much better because they know official tests will undermine their claims.

6. Establish healthy boundaries.

Two women sitting on a green couch, smiling, and holding white mugs. They are engaged in conversation. The room has a white brick wall and green plants. Both women have their hair tied back in bun styles.

Boundary-setting can be difficult if you’ve been manipulated by a covert narcissist for a long period of time, and doubly difficult if you’re also a people-pleaser who tries to avoid confrontation by any means necessary.

Don’t share any information unless you want to do so, and be firm about the fact that nobody is entitled to know anything about you unless you choose to share it.

Create distance when needed, and don’t make yourself too available. Many covert narcissists will try to create drama in order to have others come and help or rescue them, so you may have to be the “bad guy” and not pick up the phone on date night when you’ve told them ahead of time that you won’t be available.

7. And uphold those boundaries.

A man wearing a gray t-shirt and glasses sits on a couch with a distressed expression, resting his forehead on his fingers. A woman in a yellow shirt and light blue pants sits farther away, looking at him with concern. They are in a bright room with white walls.

Most covert narcissists don’t like boundaries, and they try to cross them whenever possible—especially if they feel that they’re losing control.

As such, there needs to be a penalty in place if an established boundary has been broken. They’ll complain about it and potentially rope their flying monkeys into reprimanding you on their behalf, so you’ll have to stand strong and not allow any of this to work on you.

8. Bring the focus back to them.

A man leaning against a kitchen counter, wearing a plaid shirt, looks away with a contemplative expression. A woman standing behind him is pointing and appears to be speaking to him sternly. The kitchen has modern decor with open shelves and various dishes.

It may sound counterproductive to make it all about them, but this technique is surprisingly effective.

If and when you find yourself arguing with a covert narcissist, stop trying to be heard or acknowledged because it’ll never happen. Instead, ask them to explain themselves and their motivations.

They’ll try to deflect and redirect, but call them out on that. Bring it back. Stop them every time as though you were returning a tennis serve. “No, we’re not going to play this game. Answer my question.”

Brace yourself for the inevitable outburst that will ensue from that. Depending on their personality, they’ll either go on the attack by insulting you or dissolve into tears to make you feel bad.

9. Don’t fall for their act.

A young woman in a green tank top and denim shorts sits on a couch with her arms crossed, looking away and appearing frustrated. Next to her, an older woman in a white shirt and dark pants sits with her hand on her forehead, looking stressed. A plant is in the background.

Once they realize that things aren’t going to go their way, they’ll attempt to end the conversation in the best way they know how: by being self-righteous and walking away.

One of the most common things that covert narcissists say when they know they’re losing an argument and want to end it on their (winning) terms, is to suggest that you’re being abusive and that they need to leave for their own wellbeing and protection. As such, if you preempt this projection by informing them of how they’re going to behave, they don’t know what to do.

Simply say something to the effect of describing exactly what they’ll do next. For example:

“You know I’m right in this situation and you refuse to admit it, so you’re going to tell me that I’m being unreasonable and abusive and walk away.”

This short-circuits them because you’ve called them out on their failsafe behavior before they’ve had a chance to execute it. This throws them off guard and they don’t know what to do.

In most situations, they’ll simply leave, fuming, likely calling something abusive over their shoulder as they go. Alternatively, they may try to turn it back on you and imply, wide-eyed and incredulous, that you’re unstable, you need help, you’re not the person they thought you were.

10. Stand your ground.

A woman in a yellow shirt and a man in a black and white checkered shirt are having a heated argument in a modern kitchen. The woman is gesturing with her hands while the man has his hands raised in explanation. The kitchen has a green curtain and modern decor.

If you’re feeling particularly feisty, ask them when was the last time they held themselves accountable for their own actions instead of blaming someone else for them. They tend to freeze up when confronted and try to redirect, but you can preempt that by predicting their behaviors as well. On very rare occasions, this may prod them into acknowledging unhealthy actions and considering getting help to change them.

11. Create distance.

Two women sit on a couch in front of white curtains. The woman on the left, with red hair in a bun, is placing a comforting hand on the shoulder of the woman on the right, who has dark hair pulled back and is looking down with a somber expression.

Try to keep your distance from a covert narcissist whenever possible. If you must be in the same environment because you work together, aim to keep yourself to yourself and don’t engage in small talk with them, nor spend time with them at lunch or after work hours. If your colleagues get together for lunch, stay at your desk or go out alone to eat instead.

Similarly, if you have to deal with a covert vulnerable narcissist because they’re an immediate family member, your best bet is to maintain as much physical and emotional distance as possible.

Don’t spend time with them unless you absolutely have to, and if you are obligated to do so, go “gray rock.” Give them no emotional fuel and behave as though nothing they say or do affects you in any way.