How To Tell When The Silent Treatment Is Actually Emotional Abuse

What Is The Silent Treatment?

A woman sits on a chair, looking down with a pensive expression. A person beside her places a comforting hand on her shoulder. The background features bright natural light coming through a window, softly illuminating the scene.

The silent treatment is the refusal to engage in verbal communication with someone, often as a response to conflict in a relationship. Also referred to as giving the cold shoulder or stonewalling, its use is a passive-aggressive form of control and can, in many circumstances, be considered a form of emotional abuse.

Sometimes there’s really nothing to say. A disconnect can be so clear that, in the interests of prudence, each party goes off to their respective psychological corners to reflect, regroup, then resume with a mutual desire for clarity.

Arguments of this nature are never pleasant (what argument is?), but they will come and they will go, leaving perhaps a new understanding in their wake.

Except we’ve all been at that point where we simply don’t want to go back to a disagreement, and not even out of fear of escalation. We withdraw in order to punish.

How To Tell If Your Silence Is Abusive

A man and woman sit on a couch facing away from each other. The man, wearing a blue t-shirt, has his hand on his forehead, appearing stressed. The woman, wearing a white t-shirt, looks away with her arms crossed, suggesting they are upset or having an argument.

The key is to ask yourself: am I defending myself, or am I attacking the other? That’s where the difference lies.

If you are staying silent in order to gain the upper hand and cause the other person some form of emotional suffering, that’s abuse.

If you are keeping your mouth firmly shut in order to avoid the risk of suffering abuse, that’s self-defense.

If you’re unsure, ask these questions of yourself:

1. Are you calm now, but you still want them to make the first move?

A man in a green sweater sits on a couch, gently touching the shoulder of a woman in a striped pink-and-white long-sleeve shirt and blue jeans. The woman looks down, appearing upset or deep in thought, while the man looks at her with concern.

When arguments occur, it can take a little while for those heightened feelings to pass.

Silence during this time is no bad thing as it can prevent you from saying or doing things you later regret.

But if you are keeping up the silent act even after you have calmed down because you insist that they must make the first moves of reconciliation, it is a little abusive.

If you are ready to talk things out, open up a dialogue.

2. Will only a full apology do?

A woman with curly hair appears to be pleading or apologizing, her hands clasped together, while a man sitting next to her looks away with a stern or upset expression. They are indoors with a bright window in the background.

Will you stick with the silence for as long as they do not offer a satisfactory apology?

Perhaps they have shown remorse and tried to make amends, but it wasn’t quite what you’d imagined in your head while you were off ruminating.

If some effort has been made to extend an olive branch, it’s only right that you move a little from your position and end the silent treatment you’ve been giving them.

This doesn’t mean that you have to forgive them, but you ought to at least participate in a conversation about what happened and why it made you feel the way you felt.

By not engaging, you are opting to keep them on the back foot, which can be seen as emotional abuse of sorts.

3. Do you take responsibility for the disagreement?

A young woman with long blonde hair sits on the floor, leaning against a sofa, looking upset. A man with glasses and a beard kneels beside her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. They appear to be in a bright, modern living room.

Sometimes, yes, the other person is entirely in the wrong. Some things are inexcusable.

But this is not always the case.

If you are maintaining your silence despite some fault laying at your feet, you are ignoring the role you played in the argument that led to where you are now.

This is abusive in the sense that it puts all the blame onto the other person and makes them feel bad because of it.

4. Will you keep it up for a specific length of time?

A man and a woman are engaged in a serious conversation at a white table in a minimalist room. Both are holding pens and have papers in front of them. The woman is gesturing with her pen, while the man listens attentively. There are white mugs on the table.

When someone does something that really annoys you, do you think, “Right, I’m not speaking to them for the rest of the day”?

Or the rest of the week, even?

This can be seen as abuse because it is effectively dishing out a sentence for a crime, regardless of how you might feel at any given time in the future.

It is effectively telling the other person that they deserve this much punishment for what they did.

It leaves no room for forgiveness or the softening of feelings between you.

When The Silent Treatment IS The Right Approach

A woman with long blonde hair, sitting on a gray sofa, looks distressed as she focuses on a clenched fist in the foreground. The background features a white brick wall.

There is a time and a place for silence. In fact, in some circumstances, silence is actually recommended.

In a toxic relationship where one party meets any attempt at conflict resolution with an escalation of aggression – and does so on a persistent basis – silence is perfectly acceptable.

In this case, remaining quiet is a way to cope with the situation and the person. Silence is a form of protection and is often the only way to calm things down following an altercation.

The silent treatment is also recommended if you have escaped an abusive relationship with a narcissist or sociopath. Then, silence becomes a boundary which prevents you from being manipulated again.