8 Things Socially Awkward People Want You To Know About Interacting With Them

Not everyone interacts in the same way.

A woman with wavy brown hair and a black dress with white polka dots is sitting at a table, reading a book. She is leaning her head on her hand and smiling softly. There is a small vase with a yellow flower on the table beside her.

Striking up a conversation with someone who struggles with ‘typical’ social conventions can be difficult to navigate. Take introverts and autistic people, for example. They are very often intelligent, lovely people who make excellent friends. But if you are neither introverted nor autistic yourself, kindling a connection with someone who is can be fraught with misunderstanding and/or anxiety for both parties.

Socially uncomfortable people tend to live in their own heads a lot. Generally speaking, they can be anxious about opening up to new people, or feel unbelievably awkward about doing so.

They’ve spent a lot of time being told or taught how to fit in and follow the social norms, but why should they? Their way of being is just as valid as anyone else’s and communication is a two-way street. It’s up to BOTH parties to make the effort to understand and get to know each other, in a way that BOTH people feel comfortable with.

Here’s what they want you to know.

1. Don’t Assume We Are Rude

A man with short dark hair sits at a wooden counter by a window, holding a disposable coffee cup with both hands. He looks out the window thoughtfully, wearing a blue and green plaid shirt. The interior has a warm, cozy atmosphere with minimalistic decor.

Just because these people find “typical” social norms hard to follow, doesn’t mean they don’t like to meet others, but rather that it takes them a while to drop their walls and let other people in. This sometimes leads others to assume that socially awkward people are frosty, standoffish, or even rude, when really they’re just wavering between protecting themselves emotionally, and hoping that they don’t choke on their drink or say something so utterly mortifying that it’ll haunt them forever.

2. Don’t Assume Everyone Interacts Like You

Three women are standing outside, engaged in a lively conversation. One is wearing a pink dress with a denim jacket, another is in a blue coat, and the third has a blue top and skirt. They are smiling and appear to be enjoying each other's company on a sunny day.

If you haven’t yet discovered the joy of people-watching when you’re out and about, try it sometime. Just observe others when you’re at a coffee shop or pub, or any other place where humans tend to congregate.

You’ll likely notice that there’s a huge difference between how people interact with others. There are obviously no absolutes here, as the introversion/extroversion scale is huge and has many different variables. Similarly, autism is a spectrum with no two people displaying the exact same traits (plus autistic people can be extroverts too, shock horror), and the co-occurrence of autism and ADHD (AuDHD) can further change the presentation. However, in most cases you’ll be able to notice certain patterns of behavior common to particular groups of people.

3. Learn How To Spot Us

Three women enjoying a conversation in a cozy setting, with wine glasses on the table in front of them. One woman, in a yellow sweater, is laughing, while the other two are smiling. Warm lighting creates a relaxed atmosphere.

When sitting alone at a café, an extrovert or neurotypical person may position himself or herself somewhere central, look up often, and engage with those around them. They might be restless, kicking their feet or tapping their fingers on the table, and have no qualms about getting chatty with random strangers who may sit near them. Chances are that if they’re at a coffee shop alone, they’re just waiting for one or eight friends to meet up with them, at which point they’ll join into animated discussion together.

Socially awkward people, however, are often more comfortable with solitude and stillness. They may curl up in a comfy chair in the corner and get totally engrossed in a book they’re reading, or focus so intently on whatever they’re working on that they’re barely aware of their surroundings. Interrupting this reverie with a loud opening line can startle them in a not-terribly-pleasant way. You’ll be met with a “deer in the headlights” expression as the person you’re talking to tries to decide whether to throw their drink at you before bolting for the door, or just hide under the table until you go away.

Similarly, if you go to a party at someone’s house, chances are that the socially uncomfortable people (if they’ve even gone to the party) will be hanging out in the kitchen, smiling briefly when other people come in, but focusing much more on befriending the household cat.

4. Be Direct And Neutral.

A young woman with long brown hair wearing a black blazer and light pink blouse sits in a warmly lit cafe, extending her hand forward with a welcoming smile. The background features modern decor with hanging lights, wooden accents, and large windows.

When striking up a conversation with an introvert, it’s best to avoid a direct compliment or overt comments about them, as it can make them feel under the spotlight, and they are likely to shy away further rather than open up.

When interacting with an autistic person, avoid vagueness and don’t assume they are “reading between the lines”. Be as clear and direct in your communication as you can, and understand (and embrace) that that’s what you will get from them. Honesty and truth are very important to most autistic people, so don’t mistake their bluntness for rudeness.

5. Ditch The Small Talk

A woman and a man are engaged in a cheerful conversation in a modern kitchen. The woman, wearing a burgundy sweater and jeans, sits on the counter, while the man, in a blue sweater, smiles back at her. The kitchen features wooden cabinets and green tiling.

Be human, and don’t blather at them with insipid small talk. Asking their opinion is a great way to open the door to a more engaging conversation because most introverts and autistic people spend a lot of time thinking about things.

Take your cue from something they’re doing, or one of their possessions. If they’re reading a book about gardening, you can always ask them if they have a vegetable garden of their own. If so, ask what they grow, inquire about the different varieties that grow in your region. Sincere interest will encourage them to open up a bit, and you might be pleasantly surprised at how enthusiastic they can get about a topic that they love.

This method works really well if you’re introverted/autistic too: just consider how you’d wish to be approached by someone else, and do that. Honestly. Just try it.

6. Keep a Respectful Distance

Two men sit at a table in a cafe, talking over coffee. One man, wearing glasses and a blue shirt, gestures with his hand, while the other man, in a white shirt, listens attentively. The background shows a blurred view of buildings through the large window.

Few things will creep socially uncomfortable people out as much as getting too close into their personal space. Most like to have a nice, wide berth between them and other people until they get comfortable enough to let them “in”, so if a stranger suddenly leans in close, grinning like a ravenous shark, they go into high alert.

Even worse than getting too physically close too quickly is unsolicited touching. The average extrovert will touch someone they’re talking to several times during a conversation. This might be exhibited as nudging someone with their elbow, tapping them on the forearm, or touching them on the hand or knee to make a physical connection as they talk. (If you listen carefully right now, you can likely hear half a dozen introverts emitting some high-pitched shrieks at the mere thought of this.)

Keep your hands to yourself, and don’t touch them unless they initiate contact with you first.

7. Be Clear About Any Follow-Up

A woman with long hair and glasses is sitting at a table, engaging in a conversation with a man wearing a gray sweater. They are indoors near a window with sunlight streaming in, and there are cups and a laptop on the table.

Whether it’s a platonic or potentially romantic interaction, if the conversation went well, give them the opportunity to continue it at another time, or via another medium. Be direct. Autistic people in general, favor honest, direct communication, rather than vagary and ambivalence.

Don’t assume they are reading non-verbal cues. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

8. Don’t Get Offended if We Don’t Want to Talk

A woman with long dark hair is sitting on a couch, engaged in a conversation with a man who has short brown hair and a beard. She is gesturing with her hands, while the man listens intently. They are in a room with a white brick wall and a wooden shelving unit.

Socially uncomfortable people only have so much energy to dole out when it comes to socializing with others, and it could very well be that the one you’re interested in befriending is “peopled out” for the day. Their seeming lack of interest is far more likely a situation of being drained rather than apathetic, so if they don’t want to talk, smile and move along elsewhere.

Do keep in mind that this last little bit of advice doesn’t just go for socially uncomfortable people, but for any person you’d like to get to know. No one exists at anyone else’s convenience, and just because YOU want to talk to THEM doesn’t mean that they are obligated to do so in order to make you happy. Courtesy goes a long way, and if you back away from a social interaction to show that you respect the other person’s autonomy, you may very well find that they take the initiative to connect with you later.