10 Signs Your Partner's Love Comes With Too Many Conditions

Does your partner’s love come with a LOT of conditions?

A man in a black sweater is seen from behind, looking towards a woman in the background who is wearing a black dress and a burgundy scarf. They are standing in front of a red wall.

We often hear about unconditional love and how wonderful it is, but far less attention is placed on what it means to love conditionally.

Does it mean that the love is somehow less valid, or solely transactional?

Or that someone is an awful person for loving conditionally?

In this article, we’re going to examine how loving with conditions can manifest, and whether it’s always a bad thing.

By the time you’ve finished reading it, you’ll have a solid idea of what conditional love looks like so you can identify it if you experience it, or if you’re the one who’s loving others conditionally.

What is conditional love?

A young woman with long blonde hair sits on the floor, leaning against a sofa, looking upset. A man with glasses and a beard kneels beside her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. They appear to be in a bright, modern living room.

Conditional love is a state in which a person only expresses their love for another in particular circumstances. Outside of those circumstances, the love is not visible for the recipient or others to see or feel.

Conditional love isn’t an absence of love, it is the withholding of that love as an overt token or symbol—over a protracted period of time—based on, you guessed it, conditions that have been set.

10 Signs Of Conditional Love

A couple lies on a bed in a cozy setting, with the woman smiling and nestling against the man. The man has his arm around her and is looking at her affectionately. Both appear relaxed and content, surrounded by warm, earthy tones of the bedding and room.

The following are some of the most common examples of conditional love. You may not experience all these firsthand, but if you’ve been on the receiving end of some (or most) of them, that’s a pretty strong sign that the love you’re experiencing is far from unconditional.

1. They have specific expectations that you must meet, or else.

A couple walks on a bridge at sunset, smiling and holding each other closely. The man wears a white sweater and dark pants, while the woman wears a black jacket and scarf. Buildings and a few cars are visible in the background.

Has your partner tried to change you into a version of you that they like better? Or does your partner get frustrated if you do or say something that they dislike?

There may not be aggression with requested (or demanded) changes, but instead subtle hints are made—including using the phrase that one is “just trying to help.”

Meanwhile, nobody is actually helping anyone, but rather helping themselves like their lover better by trying to alter or reprogram them. These “helpful suggestions” may become more overt and forceful if they aren’t put into action in what’s considered to be a reasonable amount of time.

Few things can damage one’s self-esteem like feeling that you aren’t loved for who you are as a person, but are rather seen as a malleable doll whose appearance or behavior can be adjusted to suit someone else’s wants.

If this seems to be a recurring situation, it’s important for the one asking for change if they truly love the other person, or whether they only love the idea of who they could be with “ a few minor tweaks” to better suit your whims.

If it’s the latter, a decision will have to be made as to whether both parties can accept each other as they are, or if you’d be better off finding more compatible companions.

2. They have unrealistic expectations of the relationship too.

A couple stands intimately close on a sunny day by a river, with city buildings and a bridge in the background. The woman, wearing a black leather jacket, gazes down while holding the man's chest. The man, in a black coat, leans in with a serious expression.

Many people seem to want a perfect version of a relationship in which there’s no stress or drama of any kind. Their partner will be agreeable instead of argumentative, healthy and able-bodied, and never make any kind of demands on them.

But that ideal partnership simply doesn’t exist, and it’s unreasonable and cruel to withhold or terminate love when these expectations aren’t met.

Furthermore, many people hold double standards in terms of their behavior. For example, they may get upset at having to deal with issues in their partner that they find frustrating or annoying, but they want—or expect—their partner to embrace all of their challenges with never-ending patience and understanding.

They feel fully justified in their own love being conditional, but still feel that they deserve to receive unconditional love in return.

Hypocrisy and double standards are massive red flags to look out for, so be aware.

3. They invalidate your emotions.

A man and a woman sit on a couch in a living room, both looking towards the camera with serious expressions. The man wears a blue t-shirt and the woman wears a teal t-shirt. The room has white walls with shelves, a lamp, and a framed picture in the background.

Few things are as disheartening as being told that what you think and feel is either wrong or doesn’t matter.

In many relationships, people who love conditionally often respond to their partners’ emotional expression with belittling or dismissive comments—usually when and if they feel things or behave emotionally in a manner that the partner doesn’t like.

For example, your partner might tell you to stop feeling a particular way because they don’t want to deal with you when you’re in that state, or to come back after you’ve had your “tantrum” and can speak to them in the manner they prefer. If at all.

Alternatively, you may have left the house for a while so your partner could “reset” back to your preferred state, or—if their emotions have irritated you over a significant period of time—you may have even threatened to leave them if they don’t get over themselves and act normal again.

It’s difficult to believe that conditional love is real love when the only way you “earn” it is by repressing your true nature.

Furthermore, people who are on the receiving end of emotional invalidation and demanded repression may come to believe that true love doesn’t exist at all, and that they’ll have to maintain a facade for someone else’s benefit or risk being alone for the rest of their lives.

4. They only show love and affection when you achieve things they deem important.

A couple is sitting on a couch in a cozy, modern living room. The man, with short brown hair and a beard, looks contemplatively at the camera, while the woman, with long dark hair, smiles and wraps her arms around him. There are books and plants in the background.

One way in which conditional love in a relationship can manifest is if a person only shows care and affection to their partner or child if they achieve what the other considers to be worthy or important.

For example, someone who values athletic ability may be completely unsupportive if and when their partner achieves high accolades in their career or earns an honors degree at school, but will lavish them with praise and physical affection if they complete a 5k run in under 30 minutes.

Similarly, parents who expect their children to excel in school may be very affectionate and encouraging when the little ones get high grades, but then freeze the kids out emotionally if their grades slip. They may even get insulting, implying that the kid is a worthless disappointment. Only when grades rise again will the child “earn” their love once again.

This is a perfect example of transactional love, and it can be extremely damaging over time.

Those children may grow into adults with anxiety and low self-esteem, whose worth is dependent on achievement and external validation. They may also end up people-pleasing and sacrificing their own well-being so as not to be abandoned by those who may only love them conditionally.

5. They have a set list of behaviors that will cause love to be withheld.

A woman with blonde hair, wearing a gray sweater, rests her head on her hand and looks pensive. A man in the background, who is out of focus, appears to be sitting with his arms crossed, wearing a blue and white striped shirt.

Depending on what’s on the list, this isn’t necessarily a red flag.

For example, if someone has had their heart broken by infidelity in the past, it’s not unreasonable for them to stop demonstrating love for their new partner if they cheat on them as well.

Similarly, if someone establishes very clear, firm boundaries about an issue and their partner intentionally oversteps them, then it’s only natural—and even fair—that the one who’s been disrespected may withdraw emotionally and act coolly toward them until the wound heals.

This is very different from a situation in which a person presents their partner with a laundry list of expectations and acceptable behaviors, along with a warning as to what kind of punishment may ensue if they fall short of the mark.

Romantic relationships aren’t like Subway sandwich orders where people get to choose exactly what they want and then get someone fired if they screw up.

Behavior like this is often the foundation for unhealthy power dynamics inasmuch as the one making the demands seems to need to control the other, as though they’re actors in their personal play rather than autonomous, sovereign individuals.

6. Their love changes depending on circumstance.

A young couple sits closely in an outdoor setting. The man, dressed in a white sweater, is turned towards the woman. The woman, with long hair, is wearing a black hat and a white sweater, and she gazes directly at the camera. The background is a field of tall grass.

It’s important to remember that just because love may change form over time, or due to a change of circumstance, that doesn’t mean that it’s somehow lesser.

When people try to figure out what conditional love looks like, they often only consider one facet of how love may manifest. The love that a parent has for a child isn’t the same they have for their best friend, spouse, or animal companion.

Furthermore, simply because someone may be frustrated or disappointed with how life with another person unfolds doesn’t mean that they don’t love them anymore—just that the love has changed form.

The bright flare of love that someone feels toward their partner will change when dealing with dementia, for example.

Alternatively, let’s say two people love each other deeply, but one comes out as gay or trans and the other doesn’t feel comfortable continuing a romantic relationship. The love they share may remain as strong as ever, but it may now be platonic or sibling-like.

7. They judge and criticize if unwanted changes occur.

A middle-aged couple sits on a white couch engaged in conversation. The man has gray hair and wears a white shirt, gesturing with his hand. The woman has blonde hair and wears a striped shirt, looking attentively at the man. Shelves with glassware are in the background.

Some people insist that their partners have to meet—and maintain—certain standards of appearance or behavior in order to be worthy or deserving of love.

A perfect example of this is when one partner demands that the other maintains a particular aesthetic over the entire course of their relationship, regardless of their own leanings. They may insist that their partner maintains a certain weight forever or only wears a particular clothing style, or that they’re always willing and eager to go out socializing every Saturday night.

If and when changes occur, they may withhold affection or become insulting until the partner changes things back to their preferred parameters.

This is a form of emotional abuse, as one partner is seeking to control the other’s appearance or actions in order to meet what are likely impossible standards to maintain.

Everyone changes over time, and it’s unreasonable and possibly even harmful to attempt to keep things the way they are.

In many situations, the relationship may be terminated if the status quo isn’t maintained. Once things have ended, said partner will likely be replaced by someone whose appearance meets their ex’s preferences instead.

8. They show a distinct lack of trust.

A man and a woman sit closely on a gray couch in a cozy living room. The man, with short hair, wears a light beige sweater and blue jeans. The woman, with long hair, wears a white sweater and beige pants. They are gazing into each other's eyes affectionately.

Most of us feel that real, true love is unconditional: that we will continue to love people who hurt or betray us because we can see beyond the action to the fallible human being behind it.

That said, if your partner betrayed your trust by cheating on you, lying to you, or taking some action without your input that ended up damaging your life, it’s almost impossible to keep carrying on as if nothing had happened.

When examining conditional love vs unconditional love, the former involves people adhering to a certain set of expectations or boundaries in order to be shown that they are loved. In contrast, the latter implies that love with be expressed regardless of what they say or do—that they can behave in a reprehensible manner and still be loved.

You may still deeply care for your partner after they slept with your best friend, but you may not be able to be physically affectionate toward them without feeling echoes of hurt or revulsion.

Relationship breakdown in situations like this is imminent—not because love is gone, but because the circumstances surrounding it are no longer bearable.

9. They become emotionally withdrawn when things get annoying or difficult.

A woman in a yellow sweater and jeans sits on a couch with a thoughtful, concerned expression, resting her chin on her hand. A man in a dark shirt and jeans sits on another couch in the background, his arms crossed, looking away. The setting appears tense.

All healthy relationships fluctuate when it comes to emotional connection. There will be periods when both parties are incredibly close and affectionate, and times in which either one or both would prefer to be in their own heads, avoiding too much physical contact.

Life’s demands and stresses take their toll on everyone, and periods of withdrawal are normal—especially when one is feeling overstimulated and simply needs alone time to recuperate.

That’s all well and good provided that these periods of withdrawal eventually come to an end and don’t involve intentionally withholding emotions when aspects of their relationships frustrate or annoy them, especially if those aspects are trivial.

Do you give your partner the silent treatment if they cook a meal that you don’t particularly like? Or does your partner walk off and ignore you if you’re contending with feelings that they don’t want to deal with?

Analyze the behavior shown by both parties and determine whether either of you would appreciate this type of conditional affection and support if you were on the receiving end of it.

10. They manipulate you in order to achieve their own wants.

A woman with shoulder-length hair in a yellow sweater is yelling at a man with short hair in a blue shirt, who appears frustrated and is holding his hand to his head. They are standing in a bright room with white walls and large windows.

Manipulative behavior can manifest in a variety of different ways, but one of the most common ones is manipulating others to get what they want.

This can take the form of coercion, bribery, blackmail, guilt-tripping, or even trickery. The last item on that list is one of the most reprehensible, as it inevitably ends up destroying trust in the relationship.

An example of this could be if the partner who loves conditionally wants to go to the beach on a Saturday, while the other one wants to go shopping.

If initial coercion or threats of potential backlash don’t change the other’s mind, the conditional partner may pretend to acquiesce and let them have their way, all the while giving the silent treatment and behaving in a passive-aggressive, injured manner.

Then, when Saturday comes along, they’ll offer to drive to the mall… but oops, they ended up at the beach instead, haha! Getting their own desires fulfilled doesn’t just take priority: it’s the only thing that matters.

Only once they’re at the beach, satisfied and smirking that they got their own way, will they possibly be affectionate or playful to the one they “defeated,” though they’ll get upset and petulant if that affection isn’t returned.

Final thoughts on the conditionality of love.

A couple sits outdoors, surrounded by greenery. The woman, wearing a white top, looks away with her knees drawn to her chest, appearing upset. The man, in a purple shirt, sits behind her and reaches out as if trying to comfort or talk to her.

Loving unconditionally is very rare and generally only embodied by those who are almost saintly in demeanor and behavior. Venerable monks and nuns may be able to do so, as well as elderly grandparents who have been through immensely difficult times, but generally, humans love conditionally to varying degrees.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing: in fact, having certain conditions on your love or affection can actually be quite healthy. Furthermore, just because love may not last forever doesn’t mean that it isn’t (or wasn’t) “real.” It simply ran its course or changed form.

You may feel that love with conditions isn’t true love, but the vast majority of us will either stop loving someone if they betray our trust or severely overstep a firm boundary we’ve established.

And that’s absolutely okay.

If and when these situations manifest in your own relationship, ask yourself whether you want to risk investing time in a person who will hold you to standards they’d never attain themselves, or love someone whose care and affection depend solely on you being their dream vision of you, rather than the authentic version of who you are.

If the answer is “no,” then the solution will present itself to you accordingly.