If You Recognize These 12 Behaviors, You've Got Abandonment Issues

Do you recognize these behaviors?

A couple embraces on a sunlit beach. The man, wearing a striped shirt, sunglasses, and a hat, smiles while holding his hat. The woman stands behind him, resting her head on his shoulder with her arms around him, smiling softly. The beach and buildings are blurred in the background.

Sometimes you’ll know you experienced abandonment as a child. Other times, abandonment can be more subtle, or will happen later in life but can have an equally devasting and prolonged impact. If you recognize these 12 signs in yourself, or someone you love, it’s likely you (or they) are experiencing abandonment issues.

1. Constantly needing reassurance.

A couple sits on the floor at home. The woman lies with her head on the man's lap while he gently touches her face, both appear relaxed and content. The man sits cross-legged, wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt, and the woman wears a white top and dark pants.

People who have lost or been abandoned by those close to them often have intense anxiety. They fret about what may happen in any given situation so they’re prepared for any potentiality, and need constant reassurance that their friends or loved ones care about them and aren’t going to leave them.

Situations that roll off another person like water off a duck’s back may spin them into a full-on panic attack, such as if their partner doesn’t text them back quickly or is late coming home.

2. Overthinking and overanalysis.

A man with short dark hair and a beard looks pensively out of a window. His hands are clasped together under his chin, and soft light illuminates his face. The window appears to have rain on it, adding to the contemplative mood.

People who have lived through traumatic experiences often develop hypervigilance as a form of self-protection. As such, they’re constantly reading into situations and conversations to determine whether potential threats are looming.

You may ask what your partner means by a particular phrase or tense up as though bracing for impact.

You may pick apart conversations word by word looking for subtext, or overanalyzing body language and tone for cues that you may be in imminent danger.

3. Emotional overreacting.

A woman sitting on a couch raises her hand to signal stop, turning her head away from a man who appears to be talking to her. She looks upset, while the man, wearing a yellow shirt, gestures with his hands, seemingly trying to explain or communicate something.

You may respond with emotion that’s disproportionate to the severity of an incident. If this occurs, it’s likely that your reaction springs from a past trauma that was never healed or resolved, rather than responding to what’s occurring in the present moment in a reasonable manner.

Let’s say your partner finished the last bit of cereal in the box and you break down crying. It’s unlikely you’re that upset about what’s going on right then and there, and are instead remembering what it was like to go hungry as a child or have food taken from you by an abusive former partner.

4. Discomfort with emotion.

A man with a beard, wearing a white patterned t-shirt, faces a woman with long hair in a red jacket. They stand close to each other, looking into each other's eyes, on a narrow, sunlit street lined with old buildings.

On the other end of the scale from those who overreact emotionally are those who barely react at all.

Many people with abandonment issues learned how to shut down their emotions so they wouldn’t get hurt, and as such may have difficulty tapping into them.

They may repress emotions like fear or grief so they don’t appear weak or vulnerable in front of others, and are quick to either change the conversation away from topics that make them uncomfortable or find excuses to remove themselves from emotionally charged situations.

If any of these seem familiar, you’re probably an avoidant person who prefers to ignore emotions rather than work through them.

Alternatively, you may simply be unable to feel most emotions because you’ve repressed them so fiercely. You may have been called “frigid” or “robot-like” because of your emotional detachment, when in reality you’re actually incapable of feeling the spectrum of emotions that others do.

In fact, some people with complex PTSD from childhood trauma are misdiagnosed with autism because of the similarities in emotional dysregulation and social interactions shared between the two. (Although it is worth nothing that it is not uncommon for autistic people to experience trauma, so the two can often occur together.)

5. “Hot and cold” behavior.

A woman and a man sitting on a kitchen counter, both facing forward. The woman has her arms crossed and looks away with a stern expression. The man has his hands on his lap, leaning forward slightly, looking down. The atmosphere appears tense.

This is a “push-pull” type of behavior. You might be incredibly loving and affectionate one day, then aloof and withdrawn the next.

It’s a behavior that often happens when you start to feel too vulnerable in your relationship because you’ve lowered your defensive walls enough to allow someone close.

You may want to be cuddly and verbally demonstrative, but your natural self-defense mechanisms leap up and bring those walls back up to full power.

6. Clingy neediness.

A smiling couple is in a modern kitchen. The man is chopping vegetables on a wooden board while the woman hugs him from behind. The countertop is filled with various colorful fresh fruits and vegetables. They appear to be sharing a joyful moment together.

A person with abandonment issues may suffer from separation anxiety and thus need to constantly be close to—or even in physical contact with—their loved one(s).

This is often the case if someone’s needs weren’t met in very early childhood; a time when physical reassurance and nurturing are the cornerstones of development.

As a result, their partner may end up feeling smothered or overwhelmed by constant demands on their time, as well as physical intimacy.

You might even seem childish or inappropriate with your behavior, such as sitting in a chair outside your partner’s home office whilst they are working just to be close to them.

7. Difficulty or hesitation in expressing your needs.

A young woman with long blonde hair sits on the floor, leaning against a sofa, looking upset. A man with glasses and a beard kneels beside her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. They appear to be in a bright, modern living room.

People with abandonment issues often have problems expressing desires or needs because they’re afraid of how others may respond.

They may have been rejected or mocked for even having needs in the past, or pushed away for being “too needy,” even if said needs were completely basic, such as needing to be cared for during a childhood illness.

As a result, you may lash out or withdraw because your needs aren’t being met, but you have no idea how to express them in a healthy manner. You may also behave in manners that confuse your loved ones or make them uncomfortable.

You might not know how to initiate intimacy or tell your partner how you like to be touched, which can be frustrating for both of you.

Furthermore, people with abandonment issues may neglect their health or tolerate things they dislike so as not to seem demanding, nor potentially make their partner or friends upset.

8. Lack of trust.

A man and a woman sit on a couch, both dressed in casual denim shirts. The woman is looking surprised while holding a smartphone, showing something to the man, who leans in with a curious expression. A bookshelf with decor is in the background.

We learn via our life experiences, and if people with abandonment issues have learned that they’ll be mistreated, betrayed, and abandoned by those closest to them, then they’ll have difficulty trusting anyone—including their closest friends and loved ones.

They may not be able to sleep soundly next to their partner because they’re hypervigilant, or because they’ve been hurt in the past during moments of vulnerability.

Alternatively, they may not believe others when they say that they’ll do something because they’ve been repeatedly let down and thus expect everyone to do the same.

Additionally, they may have problems with object constancy in relationships— believing someone will stay loyal even when they aren’t in each other’s company. They assume that out of sight is out of mind, and that unless they’re consistently reminding others of their love and affection, they’ll simply walk away.

9. Jealousy.

A woman with short blonde hair wrapped in a beige sweater is being embraced from behind by a man with medium-length blond hair and a beard. They both appear content and relaxed, standing against a dark background.

This goes hand in hand with the lack of trust mentioned above, especially if you developed abandonment issues after being cheated on or ghosted in adulthood.

You may develop intense jealousy over your partner’s friendships—especially with those of the same gender as yourself—and you may insist on transparency to reassure you that nothing’s going on behind your back, such as shared email or social media accounts.

If this transparency is denied, you may take action to find out why, like using your partner’s phone to look something up and then checking to see who’s texting them.

10. Fear of commitment.

A man with short hair sits on a bench outdoors in a sunny park. He is wearing a white T-shirt and blue jeans, looking pensively into the distance. Green trees and soft sunlight create a peaceful background.

One of the most common long-term effects of abandonment is an intense fear of commitment.

As a result, many people who have dealt with loss, abandonment, and/or betrayal try to avoid locking themselves into anything.

Some may insist on only calling their partner their “friend” despite dating for several months, while others may reiterate to their lover that they want to keep things “chill” or not have any strings attached.

In other cases, a person might want the closeness of a safe, loving relationship, but feel safer and more secure if there’s always an escape route for them.

This type of behavior can manifest in serial monogamy (i.e. intense relationships that last for about three years and are then abandoned for the next), or cases in which they get engaged very quickly, then find excuses to end the relationship when there’s any pressure to actually marry.

11. Self-sabotage.

A man sits on the edge of a bed with his hands clasped near his mouth, looking pensive. In the background, a woman with curly hair is packing a suitcase on the bed. The room has light wooden flooring and a modern, minimalist design.

A person who has a deep-seated terror of abandonment or betrayal may try to find any excuse to push someone away before they can abandon them.

As a result, they may pick a fight or seek out a reason to break up—especially when things are going well.

They’re so terrified of having their heart broken when they finally allow themselves to be vulnerable and feel love again that the only way they can keep themselves “safe” is to run away.

Usually, before they try to end things completely, they’ll try to sabotage the relationship so they have a solid excuse to end it.

For example, they may pick fights over insignificant things that never used to bother them and start talking about how different they are, potentially incompatible, and so on. This is often accompanied by lessened physical intimacy, as well as criticism and irritability.

Essentially, they’re poisoning the well to convince themselves that it’s unsafe to drink from.

12. Testing boundaries.

A close-up of a couple. The woman with curly hair is leaning her head on the man's shoulder, smiling gently. The man, also with dark hair, is looking downward with a soft expression. They are indoors, and the background is softly blurred.

Children often test boundaries by pushing their parents’ buttons to see how much their unconditional love will tolerate. Similarly, people with abandonment issues often test their partner’s love by pushing their boundaries or behaving poorly to see whether their lover cares enough to put up with their crap.

It’s rather childish behavior, but those who faced trauma in their youth often experience arrested emotional development around the age at which the trauma occurred.

Someone with abandonment issues may intentionally use things that loved ones have said were off limits, break things that are important to others, go no-contact for protracted periods of time, or even threaten to leave, just to see how their friends or loved ones will react.

If they are broken up with or cut off from a friendship because of their behavior, it’ll be a case of a self-fulfilled prophecy: they knew it would end in break up eventually anyway.