12 Clever Ways To Shut Down Your Controlling Parents And Reclaim Independence

How To Deal With Controlling Parents

A young woman with long brown hair sits on a couch, looking away thoughtfully with her chin resting on her hand. An older woman with curly blonde hair and glasses sits behind her, appearing to speak to her with an expressive gesture.

There are two sides to approaching controlling parents. It’s not just how you manage them on a practical level, but how you deal with the effect they have on you mentally. Neither is going to be an easy fix, but following these strategies will help.

1. Deal With Them In Your Mind

A man with short dark hair sits at a wooden counter by a window, holding a disposable coffee cup with both hands. He looks out the window thoughtfully, wearing a blue and green plaid shirt. The interior has a warm, cozy atmosphere with minimalistic decor.

The first is the battle you’ll face in your mind.

The way you think about and act around your parents is a product of the years of unhealthy behavior you have had to put up with from them.

To use healthy coping strategies of you own, you have to change the way you think about the situation.

To start with…

2. Accept Your Parents For Who They Are

An older man and woman stand closely together near a window, looking outside with serious expressions. The man is behind the woman, holding her hands gently. Both have gray hair, and the room has light-colored curtains. The mood feels contemplative.

As we said earlier, the chances of your parents changing radically are slim.

If they sit at the lower end of the controlling scale, they might be able to change some of the behaviors you find upsetting or annoying.

But even here, don’t expect miracles and don’t expect change to come quickly.

And the further up the scale you go, the less likely you’ll be to see any great change in your parents.

So, what do you do?

You have two choices:

1) Fight and struggle against the idea of your parents as controlling and difficult people, all the while trying to change their behavior.

2) Accept your parents and their controlling ways as who they are and who they are likely to remain.

The latter is a better choice for you, emotionally and mentally, because acceptance requires less energy than resistance.

You don’t have to like your parents or their ways, but you can accept that these are the people you have to contend with.

3. Break Your Need To Please Them

In some, but not all, cases, you allow your parent’s controlling behavior to continue because you do not want to disappoint them.

Growing up in an environment where you have to conform to certain standards and behave in a very particular way can leave a person with a poorly defined self-concept.

You may only be able to relate your own self-worth to the worth given to you by your parents. This means that your self-esteem takes a knock every time they criticize your decisions, belittle your abilities, or try to assert their beliefs on you in some way.

This has probably been going on for a long time. Perhaps you didn’t get the good grades they expected from you in high school. Or maybe your social life is not to their liking.

If you can decouple your self-esteem from the approval of your parents, you will not have to act in ways which please them.

You will be free to make up your own mind about how to live your life and you won’t feel bad for it.

While you shouldn’t disregard your mom and dad’s feelings entirely, don’t let them be a major factor in the decisions you make.

Of course, this is easier said than done and often requires the help of a trained counselor or therapist.

But by working on this part of your mind, you will be better placed to implement some of the suggestions that come later.

4. Learn How To Separate Yourself From Your Emotions

A woman with shoulder-length hair wearing a white tank top is looking at herself in the mirror. She appears to be screaming or expressing frustration. Her hands are raised, and she's in a brightly lit room.

When faced with a situation in which your parents are trying to control you, it is natural to allow your emotions to guide your reactions.

Yet, this is rarely the best approach to take.

Resentment, fear, anger, sadness, and other negative emotions cloud your judgment and render you unable to act in the most appropriate way.

When you learn to cool your emotions and disconnect them from your thoughts and actions, you can respond to your parents’ behavior in ways that will improve the situation for you, rather than make it worse.

Again, it’s not easy to do when your parents are such a huge part of your life and your shared past is filled with emotional memories.

But a calm and rational demeanor, even if you are fighting to hold back the emotional response, is preferable.

5. Grasp That Your Life Is Limited

A woman with long brown hair rests her chin on her hand, looking pensive. She is wearing a blue denim jacket and has a thoughtful expression. The background is blurred and bright, suggesting an outdoor setting with sunlight.

Even if you live to a ripe old age, you will eventually leave this place behind. The question, then, becomes whose life do you want to lead: the one your parents want you to live, or the one you want to live?

Knowing that each time you cave in to their demands, you are relinquishing the chance to choose another future, you can be firmer in your stance and your beliefs.

For right or wrong, you should have the final say in how you live your life.

Your parents have had their chance to create the life they wanted. Don’t let them dictate to you what yours should look like.

6. Put A Value On The Relationship

In some instances, the best thing you can do to preserve your own sanity is to distance yourself from your parents.

If they constantly upset you every time you see them, it’s not in your best interest to see them so often.

Difficult as it is to admit, you might be better off putting some physical and emotional distance between you and your parents.

If you can’t distance yourself physically in the short term – perhaps you live with them and/or are still a child yourself – you can learn to distance yourself emotionally.

The decision you have to make is how much you value your relationship with your parents.

Do you share some genuinely good times with them and the controlling behavior is merely a stain on an otherwise ok relationship?

Or are you filled with anxiety or anger every time you see them and would not really miss them if you never saw them again?

7. Deal With Them Practically.

A young man in a plaid shirt, resting his head on his hand, looks frustrated in the foreground. A woman in a red cardigan and an older man stand in the background, appearing concerned, with the woman gesturing with her hands in a questioning manner.

Now that we’ve explored some of the ways you can adapt your own thinking, let’s take a look at what we do in practical terms.

8. Be Consistent

A young woman and an older woman sit on a beige couch engaged in a serious conversation. The younger woman, with blonde hair, gestures with her hand while looking intently. The older woman, with gray hair, responds thoughtfully. Both appear focused and concerned.

It’s helpful to have a plan in place for dealing with your parents. This plan will be specific to you and your circumstances.

Whatever you do, stick to this plan.

What you have to understand is that your parents’ controlling behavior is, to some degree, a learned response. It has evolved over time based on their experiences and their observations of you and your behavior.

While it is important to remember that, as noted above, your parents are unlikely to change who they are at their core, they may, to some degree, change how they behave toward you.

But they will only do so if you are able to remain steadfast to your plan.

If you try an approach a few times, see no difference in the end result, and then proceed to change back to your old ways, your parents will see no reason to change.

But if you keep it up, they may eventually relent and “learn” to take a different approach.

After all, their desire to control you requires them to expend a significant amount of energy – mentally, emotionally, and even physically.

If they see that this energy is being wasted, they might alter the way they deal with you to conserve it.

9. Remove All Dependencies You Have On Them

A senior man sits on a couch with his hand covering his mouth, appearing deep in thought. A younger man sits beside him, facing away and looking troubled. They are in a room with large windows and beige curtains, suggesting a serious or tense moment between them.

For however long you remain dependent on your parents, they will feel like they have the right to voice their opinions and dictate how you live.

If you live at home, owe them anything financially, or rely on them for other things such as help with your own children, you need to cut those ties.

Granted, this is not always easy or straightforward. You might simply not have that opportunity right now, but you can plan for it.

Much of the time, it comes down to money, so be financially prudent and save as much as you can. And do not tell them about it.

Take a job wherever you can and spend as little as possible. Your parents might ridicule your choice of job or even try to stop you from working, but you must remain resolute in your determination to become financially independent.

Pay back anything you owe them, even if it was given to you as a gift. If they bought your car or anything else you own, pay them back for that too.

Don’t rely on them to help you in any other way either. Take away any reason they might feel they have for controlling what you do.

Move out and find a place of your own as soon as you can, even if this means moving to a less expensive area and into a property that’s barely big enough. It doesn’t need to be your forever home, just somewhere to escape your parents’ overbearing behavior.

10. Set Firm Boundaries…

A woman with grey hair in a light trench coat is holding a phone to her ear. She has a serious expression and is standing outdoors near a body of water with a blue sky in the background.

You must know where your red lines are; what behaviors go beyond what you will accept.

And once you have worked these out, you must be firm in your application of them.

We talked about 3 big examples of red lines earlier, but you may have any number of other behaviors that you find intolerable.

This is all part of your overall plan for dealing with your parents. You must know what action you will take when a particular boundary has been crossed.

Do you leave the situation immediately to indicate that you are not happy with how they behaved?

Do you given them 3 strikes before you leave?

Do you stay silent and refuse to engage?

Do you fight your corner?

Whatever you do, again it comes down to being consistent.

11…Even If You Don’t Share What They Are

Two women with blonde hair stand together, both wearing white clothing. The younger woman in the foreground wears a blazer and looks into the camera with a neutral expression. The older woman stands behind her with one hand on her shoulder, also gazing at the camera.

In some instances, should your parents be particularly defensive when you try to talk about their behavior, you don’t even need to tell them what your boundaries are.

In fact, it will do little good to tell them. It may even make their behavior worse.

But you can still follow your plan every time your red lines are crossed. You can take action for yourself and for those you care about who may also be subject to your parents’ behavior.

It all comes down to how far along the controlling scale they are.

If they are overbearing, but you still have a good relationship, talking to your parents and explaining why their behavior is hurtful is a reasonable plan.

If you can barely speak two words to your parents before getting upset, or if they simply refuse to listen to anything you say, there’s little point in revealing your boundaries.

12. Never Underestimate The Struggle

A woman in a green tank top and gray pants is sitting on a gray couch, angrily yelling with her hands outstretched. Another woman, in a white blouse and blue jeans, is sitting next to her on the couch, gesturing with her hand, appearing calm.

No one wishes their parents were controlling, but yours are. You have to deal with it.

But it is not easy.

You will face the whole range of negative human emotions and you will struggle. It might test your mental health and well-being.

What’s more, one study has suggested that overbearing parents can lead to struggles with relationships (of all kinds) and education in adult life.

If you can, form a support structure around you. Close friends, partners, therapists, and even other family members can help you through challenging times.

In an ideal world, our parental relationships would be the ones we could count on most, but this world is far from ideal.

How you face this reality is up to you. Hopefully, this guide has given you some strategies to cope with the fallout of controlling parents.