People Who Make Terrible Partners Do These 15 Things

Spot the behaviors of a truly awful partner!

A woman with a concerned expression stands in the background, wearing a striped top. In the foreground, a man in a white dress shirt and loosened tie looks forward with a serious expression. Both are indoors with bright lighting.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful for countless reasons, but they take work. Sure, we’d love to be able to waltz through life with our partners by our sides, without any conflict or miscommunication, but that’s not realistic, is it?

We can get mired in our own heads, fail to appreciate the things our loved ones do for us, and get frustrated when things don’t go our way. Even the most decent of people can become awful partners.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. These are 15 habits that make someone a terrible partner, that can be changed with some effort.

1. Ignoring your partner when they speak.

A middle-aged woman with light-colored hair and a light sweater holds a white mug. She is looking at a man sitting next to her, whose back is facing the camera. The background is softly focused, creating a cozy and relaxed atmosphere.

It’s awful when we’re trying to express something to the one we love and they respond without acknowledging anything we’ve said. This often happens when someone is uncomfortable with a conversation. They’ll try to redirect the subject to something they’re more comfortable with, or interject with things that have nothing to do with the discussion at hand.

If you want to avoid being a terrible partner, try to engage in active listening. Repeat back to them important points that they’ve made, and acknowledge what they’ve been saying before making your own points. That way, everyone’s viewpoints are heard and respected.

2. Being impatient with them.

A woman with long brown hair, wearing a grey sweater, sits on a beige couch, looking at a man beside her. The man, with dark hair, is dressed in a light blue shirt and jeans, and appears to be speaking to her. They are in a modern living room.

We’re patient with children because we know they’re experiencing a lot of big stuff for the first time. After all, there’s a lot to learn and navigate in this big world, and they’re pretty new to it all. So… when is the cut-off age for patience? When are we expected to know all there is to know, have perfect coping mechanisms, and the grace to navigate any situation that unfolds? 18? 30? 45?

When is it appropriate to discard the patience we have for children because older people should “just know better”?

Answer: never.

We’re all on a lifelong learning journey, so please be as patient with your partner as you’d like them to be with you.

3. Using your phone whilst your partner talks.

A woman and a man are sitting at a dining table with plates of salad and glasses of water and red wine. The woman looks bored and rests her chin on her hand while the man is busy looking at his phone. The background features blurred outdoor greenery and flowers.

Put down your phone, pause Netflix, stop what you’re doing. Give your partner your undivided attention so they know you respect what they have to say, rather than just humoring them and nodding absently to whatever it is they’re saying. Showing your partner that they’re a priority in your life makes them feel valued. And they’ll make sure to show you that same prioritization in turn.

4. Being dishonest.

A young woman with long light brown hair looks pensively into the distance. A young man with short brown hair stands closely behind her, looking at her with a concerned expression. The background is slightly blurred, featuring a yellow structure.

Honesty is incredibly important in a relationship, as trust is nearly impossible to re-establish once broken. It can also avoid a lot of discomfort. To avoid being a terrible partner, be as open and honest as you can. Remember that the worst truth is better than the best lie, and you can work through just about anything as long as you’re sincere about it.

5. Allowing an unequal balance in the relationship.

A woman gestures in confusion while a man holding a glass of red wine looks at vegetables on a table in a kitchen. They are surrounded by bookshelves filled with books, and two other people can be seen in the background, sitting and talking.

Your partner may go above and beyond to do wonderful things for you, but are you reciprocating the way they need you to? If they are taking on a large portion of financial responsibilities, are you taking on more of the housework and cooking to create balance? Be aware of the things they do for you, and measure that against how much you do for them. Then do your best to make sure there’s an equal exchange.

6. Being ungrateful and unappreciative.

A woman with blonde hair, wearing a white shirt, sits on a couch with her hand propping up her head, looking contemplative. A man with short hair, dressed in a white t-shirt, sits slightly out of focus in the background, also on the couch.

Does your partner slip notes into your lunch? Or take care of scraping the cat litter boxes so you don’t have to? Perhaps they get up early to make breakfast for the kids so you can sleep, or bring you coffee in bed every morning. Make sure that you never, ever take their actions for granted. Even the little ones. Thank them for everything they do, so they know that they’re appreciated.

7. Invalidating your partner’s perspective.

A man and woman are sitting on a couch in a bright living room. The man, holding a tablet and paperwork, looks at the woman attentively. The woman, in a blue tank top and jeans, is facing him with a relaxed demeanor. Sunlight streams through a large window.

We’re all very different, and although our ideas, values, and beliefs may harmonize well with our partner’s, they might not all mesh completely. And that’s okay. If you want to avoid being a terrible partner, try to listen to your partner’s viewpoints without feeling attacked or judged, nor behaving that way toward them. We can try to understand and appreciate their perspectives, even if we don’t agree with them.

In fact, sharing differing viewpoints can help to expand our own perceptions about the world. There’s always something new to be learned. We don’t have to accept those viewpoints, nor agree with them, but it can only be beneficial to understand where those perspectives stem from.

8. Being accusatory.

A woman with red hair sits, looking down intently. A bearded man with short hair stands close, leaning forward with a concerned expression. The background is a bright, well-lit room with a potted plant on the right side.

It’s easy to lash out at partners for causing hurt, even if it was unintentional. We’re not telepathic, and can’t completely understand how our actions and words affect each other. So try using “I” statements, rather than “you” when communicating how their words or actions affected you. For example, “I feel ____ way when this happens” instead of “you make me feel _____.” That way, you’re expressing how their behavior affects you, without attacking them.

9. Expecting your partner to be your parent or housekeeper.

A man with a beard is sitting on a blue couch playing video games with a controller, while a woman is ironing clothes behind him in a living room. The room is cluttered with laundry, a laundry basket, snacks, and drinks, and is decorated with wall art and a bookshelf.

A lot of people whose parents did everything for them try to re-create those dynamics when in relationships, even subconsciously. That can be seriously damaging. One way to avoid being a terrible partner in a relationship is to take on your share of the adulting, whether it’s housework, childcare, shopping, or yard maintenance.

10. Trying to change them.

A man with gray hair and beard, wearing a green shirt, sits on a couch holding his head in his hands, looking distressed. In the background, a woman with blonde hair, wearing a yellow shirt, appears to be arguing or talking animatedly.

Many people hurt loved ones dearly if they try to change them. This hurt is usually unintentional, as the one making suggestions feels like they’re “just trying to help.” But it can do a lot of damage over time.

You might think that your partner would look amazing with X hair color, so you might tell them that they should dye their hair that hue. While you’re thinking “they would look stunning with that color!”, what they’ll hear is “you’re not attractive enough as you are and I want you to change.” If you really feel like encouraging your partner to explore something different, ask them what interests them, rather than informing them how they should change to suit your ideals.

11. Reacting rather than responding.

A woman and a man sit on a gray couch by a window. The woman, wearing a gray sweater and blue jeans, looks away, appearing unhappy. The man, in a plaid shirt and jeans, leans towards her, his arm around her shoulders, and attempts to comfort her. A red notebook and smartphone are on the couch beside them.

Are you the type of person who rehearses all the various ways you could react/retaliate to a situation? Like, “if they say X then I’ll say Y, and if they do ___ then I’ll ____,” etc? How often has any situation unfolded the way you imagined? Instead of pre-rehearsing your reactions, wait to see what happens, and then respond accordingly. Not with the actions you anticipated using, but with a response that adequately reflects the situation (and words) at hand.

12. Mocking your partner’s interests.

A young man with light brown hair, wearing a blue t-shirt, sits on a bed and holds a game controller with a smile. Behind him, a woman with curly hair in a striped shirt sits with a neutral expression, looking to the side. They are in a bright room.

You may not be into painting Warhammer 40K miniatures or knitting sweaters for orphaned cats, but if that’s a passion for your partner, try not to belittle them for it. If you want to avoid being a terrible partner, you should be supportive of their interests, even if you don’t take part in them. And hey, paying attention to what they like makes it easier to buy holiday and birthday gifts they’ll actually want to receive.

13. Ignoring their love language.

A young couple stands in a shaded area, with the man embracing the woman from behind. The woman smiles gently, holding his hands, while the man looks at her affectionately. Both are casually dressed in dark clothing, and the background is blurred with pillars.

Get familiar with the five different love languages, how they’re expressed, and why it’s so important to understand how we all give and receive love. When we’re unaware of each other’s languages, there can be a lot of unintentional hurt and disappointment, simply because they say tomato, we hear potato. Or vice versa. But when we understand how our partners express their love for us and like to receive love from us, we can appreciate their actions and respond in ways they, too, will appreciate.

14. Disrespecting what they have to say.

A couple sits on a bed in an argument. The man on the left, wearing a white t-shirt, gestures emphatically with one hand. The woman on the right, wearing a green t-shirt, appears distressed, resting her head in one hand while looking upwards.

Many people have knee-jerk reactions to uncomfortable discussions that include dismissal, condescension, or even gaslighting. These are usually self-defense mechanisms that were developed in childhood or adolescence to protect us against abusive situations. When it comes to romantic relationships, however, the dynamic is very different. Having those responses to a loved one who’s trying to express hurt or frustration can make a rough situation downright excruciating.

None of us are perfect, and there’s always room for greater understanding. Listen to what your partner has to say, and respect their stance. You don’t have to agree with them, but recognize that what they’re expressing to you is important to them.

15. Not following through on your words.

A smiling man with a beard in a denim jacket playfully covers the eyes of a woman holding a bouquet of flowers. They are both standing outdoors in an urban setting, with buildings in the background. The woman is laughing and wearing a leather jacket.

Words express who a person wants to be, but their actions show who they are. Telling them that it’s important for them to have a self-care day is wonderful. Getting them a spa day gift certificate or taking the kids to Grandma’s for the weekend is even better. Be sure to show your partner how much you care: don’t just tell them.