Why do you compulsively apologize, even when it’s not your fault?
Apologizing is a fundamental part of social interaction, allowing you to address misunderstandings and mend relationships.
However, for some people, saying sorry is more of an ingrained habit than a gesture of remorse.
Do you find yourself apologizing excessively for everything from minor mishaps to imagined problems that don’t even require an apology?
If so, perhaps you’ve wondered why you do this.
And as with most social behaviors, psychology has the answer.
In this article, we’ll cover the common reasons why people apologize so much, and why saying sorry isn’t always a good thing. Let’s start with the psychological reasons.
1. You have low self-esteem.
Self-esteem plays a significant role in how you perceive yourself and interact with others.
A person with low self-esteem may apologize too much because they view themselves as inferior.
This leads them to automatically assume they are in the wrong or accept the blame for things that aren’t their responsibility to avoid conflict.
Because they lack confidence in themselves, they prioritize maintaining harmony in the relationship, even if it’s at their own expense, because they’re afraid that the other person will think badly about them and leave.
If you have low self-esteem, apologizing can also become a tool to gain approval and seek validation.
You may say sorry for things that don’t actually require an apology to subconsciously seek reassurance from others and reaffirm your worth.
2. You’re afraid of conflict.
Nonconfrontation, or the avoidance of conflict and disagreement, often stems from a fear of upsetting others.
If you are conflict-averse, you may find yourself apologizing unnecessarily as a preemptive way to avoid negative reactions or disagreements.
This is particularly common if you find it difficult to address uncomfortable situations directly or assert yourself.
Apologizing becomes a way to avoid conflict and move quickly past difficult feelings without addressing them.
Some people actually use apologies to avoid taking responsibility.
This may seem like a contradiction in terms because surely apologizing involves accepting and admitting the blame.
But in these cases, the apology is actually used to shut down any uncomfortable discussions or avoid addressing the underlying issues that caused the conflict.
It’s a way to apologize when you do something wrong without actually having to examine or change your behavior.
A person afraid of conflict may have a difficult time accepting criticism or receiving negative feedback.
Their apologies may be used to placate others and avoid further criticism rather than addressing the issue at hand.
3. You suffer from perfectionism.
Perfectionists hold themselves to impossibly high standards that they can never live up to. Then, when they inevitably don’t meet these expectations, they tear themselves down for not being good enough.
They perceive mistakes, no matter how small, to be a reflection of their work ethic and who they are as a person.
So they apologize for mistakes that others wouldn’t consider require an apology because, to them, even the most trivial error is a complete failure.
Perfectionists also fear not meeting standards or expectations set by others and constantly worry about how they appear or behave.
This often results in excessive approval-seeking and rule-following behavior, and as a result, excessive and unwarranted apologizing if they fear they’ve deviated from what’s expected of them.
4. You experience emotional dysregulation.
Emotional regulation refers to the ability to manage our emotions.
People who experience frequent emotional dysregulation find it difficult to manage their internal emotions and resultant behavior.
If you have difficulty with emotional regulation, it can leave you feeling vulnerable because you are frequently on edge or on the cusp of overwhelm, which can make you more sensitive to criticism or conflict.
As a result, you may find yourself apologizing unnecessarily to prevent potential criticism and conflict and avoid an emotional meltdown.
Furthermore, if you’re emotionally overwhelmed it can make it difficult to process a situation accurately and communicate effectively, which can result in taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.
Since emotional dysregulation can interfere with our ability to communicate effectively, it can also cause problems in social interactions.
A person who is struggling to communicate may apologize unnecessarily to clarify their intentions or repair the perceived damage they’ve caused during a conversation.
Because it interferes with our ability to process situations logically and calmly, emotional dysregulation can also stop us from recognizing when there isn’t actually any harm or offense caused, and thus an apology is not actually needed.
5. You overthink everything.
Overthinking can bring many problems to a relationship, one of which is over-apologizing.
Overthinkers tend to analyze situations down to the molecular level which causes them to interpret minor incidents or innocent remarks as offensive or worthy of an apology, even when no offense was intended or taken.
If you’re an overthinker, you likely dissect your behaviors and interactions with other people, and magnify your perceived shortcomings and mistakes, viewing them as more significant than they are.
You may apologize excessively for minor errors or perceived faults, as you believe these mistakes reflect poorly on your character.
Overthinking can also cause problems with decision-making, leading to indecisiveness and uncertainty. In social situations, you may second-guess yourself and apologize too often for your actions or the choices you made.
Overthinking isn’t just reserved for your own behaviors and actions though. If you’re an over-thinker, it’s likely you also over-analyze other people’s behaviors, comments, and actions, and may attribute negative intent or meaning where there is none.
This can cause you to apologize in order to avoid a perceived conflict or negative reaction, when in fact an apology isn’t necessary.
6. You’re a people pleaser.
There is a strong connection between apologizing too much and people-pleasing.
A people-pleaser is often looking for validation and acceptance from the people around them. They use apologizing to get that validation so they can feel accepted.
People pleasing often ties into a fear of rejection and a fear of conflict.
If you’re a people pleaser it’s likely you don’t want to offend the person you’re interacting with or risk being rejected, so you show you are agreeable anyway you can, and that includes taking the blame for things that are not your responsibility.
A people-pleaser often has poor boundaries and difficulty saying no.
They don’t want to be viewed as selfish or causing a fuss, so they prioritize other people’s needs and wants over their own and take responsibility for things even though they have done nothing wrong.
If they do enforce boundaries, it’s often prefaced with an apology as if they are being a nuisance rather than rightfully expressing how they want to be treated.
This sort of ‘pre-emptive’ apology seeks to minimize disproval and negative reactions from other people.
People-pleasers tend to tie their self-worth to how the world perceives them and their ability to please others. If others aren’t pleased with them, they must not be worthy.
So they perpetually apologize to keep others happy and compensate for their feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
7. You do it out of habit.
The habit of apologizing too much often develops from social conditioning.
People may be conditioned to apologize based on their upbringing or culture.
A child who is repeatedly made to apologize for minor mistakes will find that becomes part of their ingrained habits.
Alternatively, some cultures view apologizing as a way of showing politeness and respect, and this habit is learned simply by repeated exposure and reinforcement.
People who get validation and positive reinforcement for their apologies continue this behavior because of the positive feedback they receive.
That can make it difficult to even want to break the habit because it does end up feeling good.
Unfortunately, though, apologizing excessively and unnecessarily is a flaw that can work against you by damaging your self-esteem and giving others a way to take advantage of your habit.
8. You have high empathy.
The ability to understand and share the feelings of others can sometimes cause an individual to over-identify with these feelings, and thus over-apologize.
If you’re a highly empathetic individual, you may apologize when you see a person in distress because you want to soothe them. It’s likely also an attempt to soothe yourself as you experience their emotions intensely.
Apologizing is also a means of expressing solidarity and compassion towards the feelings of other people, even if it sometimes means sacrificing your own needs and boundaries, and taking on responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.
Highly empathetic people may also fear hurting others or causing them discomfort, so they apologize for having wants and needs as they feel like an imposition on others.
This also ties into the desire to avoid conflict that inevitably arises when someone needs to enforce their boundaries.
In addition, empathetic individuals may shoulder blame in situations where others are experiencing distress in an attempt to alleviate their burden.
But What’s Wrong With Over Apologizing?
Having got this far, you may see that it resonates with you, but find yourself asking, ‘But what’s the problem?’
There may not be a problem. But if this habitual behavior is a result of unhelpful thought processes and behaviors like perfectionism, conflict avoidance, low self-esteem, people-pleasing, etc., it will likely be chipping away at your well-being.
By apologizing too much, you are essentially depriving yourself of the kindness and grace that you need and deserve as an ‘imperfect’ person.
You’re not going to get things perfect every time, and that’s okay! We’re all imperfect.
You need to set yourself reasonable and attainable expectations, otherwise you end up eroding your sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
Apologizing too much can also harm your relationships.
You may think the opposite is true because it just makes more sense that way.
After all, wouldn’t others prefer an agreeable person? Wouldn’t they prefer someone who apologizes excessively when they perceive themselves to be wrong?
Well, no. In a healthy relationship, that’s not how it works.
In a healthy relationship, excessive apologies are cumbersome because the person on the receiving end starts to worry about triggering their friend/partner/co-worker’s insecurity rather than just enjoying their company.
Over-apologizing to avoid confrontation glosses over problems, results in misunderstanding, and increases resentment over time.
It also gives the impression you’re a pushover and that your boundaries aren’t important. If you preface every request with, ‘I’m really sorry to cause a fuss, but…’ people will start to think your boundaries or needs are up for negotiation.
Saying you’re sorry too much also damages your credibility and trustworthiness.
If you’re apologizing for every slight problem and inconvenience, how can your friend trust that you’re being honest when an apology actually matters?
