If You're Lonely In Your Marriage, Reconnect With These 11 Steps

10 Ways To Overcome Loneliness In A Marriage

An elderly woman with short curly white hair is seated and gazing thoughtfully into the distance. She rests her chin on her hands, which are clasped together. She is wearing a striped white and navy blue shirt. The background is softly blurred, suggesting an indoor setting.

How did you and your partner’s close and loving connection in those early days get replaced by feelings of isolation and even alienation? How did your best friend become a stranger?

Isolation is best likened to a malignant cancer that slowly blights your marriage. It’s often painless at first, but, by the time you recognize the toxicity, the infection has spread.

Before you know what’s occurred, you can find your relationship strangled by detachment and boredom.

So it’s important to act fast, starting with identifying the signs.

The Signs Of Loneliness In A Marriage

A woman and a man sit on a couch, both looking displeased. The woman, wearing a red plaid shirt and jeans, has her arms folded and looks away. The man, wearing a black shirt and jeans, looks focused on a tablet he's holding. The setting appears to be a living room.

Knowing the telltale signs of loneliness in a marriage may help to nip the problem in the bud. Here are the most common:

– You feel unheard or misunderstood by your spouse.

– Thoughts such as “Who cares?” or “What’s the point?” often come into your mind.

– You don’t seem able to please your spouse or meet their expectations of you.

– You feel as though your partner is detached from you and going their own way.

– You deny the reality of the situation and pretend to others that everything’s fine, even though you know deep down that it isn’t.

– You avoid talking about the issue rather than raising it and inflicting inevitable pain upon yourself and your spouse.

Now let’s take a look at some ways you can reconnect with your spouse and end the loneliness you’re experiencing.

1. Check in on yourself first.

A man with glasses and a beard is standing by a window, looking outside. He is wearing a gray sweater over a collared shirt. Natural light is illuminating his face, creating a thoughtful expression. The background shows a blurred view of trees and outdoor scenery.

Remember that you are an individual, not just one half of a couple.

Take a look at your own life outside of your relationship. Has work been taking its toll? Have you been having difficulty sleeping?

Try to take some time for yourself that doesn’t involve your husband/wife. Take a day’s leave, take a bath, go to a dance/exercise class, meditate.

Nurturing yourself is as important as nurturing your marriage, even if that’s your ultimate aim.

Focusing on yourself and your own well-being will give you strength and resilience as you take steps to regain the closeness you crave in your marriage.

2. Make the first move.

A smiling man and woman sit closely, holding hands and looking at each other affectionately. The woman is wearing an orange off-shoulder top and jeans, while the man is in a maroon t-shirt and jeans. They are sitting on a cozy couch in a warmly lit room.

It’s very easy to believe that you’re the only one who is feeling aggrieved and isolated in your marriage.

In fact, there’s every chance that your spouse is experiencing the same feelings of loneliness.

If each party believes that the other should notice the growing chasm – “they would see if they really cared” – it’s very easy for pride and stubbornness to get in the way and for things to reach a stalemate.

Someone has to make the first move to cross the divide that’s opened up.

That someone may as well be you.

3. Start small.

A young couple holding hands while walking outdoors and drinking coffee. Both are wearing sunglasses, with the woman in a pink hoodie and jeans, and the man in a yellow hoodie and jeans. They appear to be enjoying a pleasant day in a park-like setting.

But it doesn’t need to be a dramatic gesture; in fact, it’s better if it’s not. Baby steps are all that’s needed.

If you’re out walking, just slip your hand into your spouse’s or deliver a surprise kiss while they’re busy with some chore or other (offering to help them complete the task might be a wise idea, too).

Or take your partner’s hand while you’re watching TV together.

It’ll be an important reminder of your former togetherness. Repeated frequently and with genuine affection, your partner should hopefully reciprocate.

4. Mix up your conversations.

A man and woman sit at an outdoor table, smiling and conversing while holding glasses of red wine. The table is set with plates of food. String lights and a building facade are visible in the background, with sunlight streaming in.

Communication in a marriage can easily become very ‘transactional,’ discussing only the practical necessities of kids, finances, work, chores, etc.

Try to introduce different topics into dinner conversations, rather than the mundane day-to-day stuff.

Try to find out how your partner feels about deeper issues other than how the kids are doing and who’s going to pay the electricity bill.

Keep it light and keep it fun, being sure not to make it feel like an interrogation.

And don’t forget to listen to their replies. Their views may surprise you and give you a better insight into the person you think you know so well.

5. Be honest and vulnerable.

An older man with a gray beard sits with his head in his hands, looking distressed. An older woman with long blonde hair, wearing a white blouse, sits beside him with a concerned expression. The background is neutral and out of focus.

A great way to connect with someone who loves you is by showing your vulnerability.

As your feelings of isolation grow, it’s easy to put up barriers by being strong and independent, which only deepens the divide.

Showing your true feelings can be a revelation to your partner. It may be that they are very literal and aren’t blessed with an intuitive nature. Perhaps they need things spelled out in order to ‘get’ how you really feel.

6. But not accusatory.

A woman and a man sit on a beige couch in a well-lit room. The man gestures with his hand, appearing to speak, while the woman rests her hand on her head, looking distressed. There is a birdcage and a window with blinds in the background.

But be sure not to be accusatory, which is easily done when you’re feeling hurt and excluded. Don’t hit them with, “Why can’t you see that I’m lonely, isolated, and frustrated?”

A better way to open the conversation is to say something like, “I’m feeling super lonely lately. I miss you. It would be wonderful if we could make some time for us this weekend.”

Maybe you need to get a babysitter or reorganize existing plans. Just tossing ideas around will help to bring you closer. But do be sure to act on them – talk is cheap, but action takes effort.

When revealing your feelings, be sure to avoid saying, “you make me feel.” That will put them on the defensive and likely to counter-attack.

Instead, frame the conversation from the perspective of how you feel.

7. Think about how you’re spending your time.

A woman and a man sit back-to-back outdoors on a sunny day, both engrossed in their smartphones. The woman, with long dark hair, wears a white blouse. The man, with curly dark hair and a beard, is wearing a denim shirt with a scarf around his neck.

It’s surprising how easy it is, even for a really ‘couply’ couple, to drift apart over time.

Life has a way of creeping in and putting a wedge firmly between husband and wife, especially when you both work and there are kids to be cared for and kept entertained

When children are the priority, it’s easy for a marriage to play second fiddle and ultimately for one partner to feel ignored, unappreciated, and excluded.

If you add a demanding work schedule into the mix, it’s a recipe for division, exclusion, and isolation.

Keeping up with social media is yet another thing that eats into couple time. We’re so busy interacting and connecting with people online at the expense of spending time with those whom we love and actually share our lives with 24/7.

8. And then make time for your relationship.

A smiling man and woman sit at a table in a café, enjoying slices of cake. The man, wearing a blue shirt and watch, looks at the woman attentively. The woman, wearing an orange top, gazes back at him. Cups of coffee are on the table in front of them.

Scheduling in a regular date night is the ideal way to show that you value each other’s company and appreciate spending time together.

Put aside any hurt you may be harboring and suggest doing something that you used to enjoy as a couple.

Paying for a sitter on top of paying for an evening out can be costly, but consider it an investment in your relationship.

In reality, though, you don’t even have to leave the house. Just make a commitment to spend time together after the kids are tucked up in bed, even if it’s just watching TV on the couch with no other distractions, especially phones.

Sharing opinions afterward on whatever you’ve watched is a good way to make TV time a more communicative activity.

9. Think outside the box.

A man and a woman stand facing each other in what looks like a café or shopping mall. The man, dressed in a coat and scarf, holds two coffee cups, while the woman, wearing a winter jacket, smiles and reaches out. The background is festively decorated.

If evenings are just too challenging with kids and busy schedules, try meeting for lunch while the kids are at school or even grab a coffee together. Even fifteen minutes is enough.

A walk around the park, cooking a meal together – the type of things you used to do when you were starting out – are other ways to regain closeness.

Or if you have a little more time on your hands because your kids have flown the nest, you could try finding a new hobby as a couple.

Whatever fits into your schedules and gives you a chance to be together.

Make couple time not just a priority, but the priority.

10. Bridge the physical gap.

A smiling woman with dark hair hugs a man from behind as they sit in a brightly lit kitchen. The man with short dark hair looks to the side and wears a pink t-shirt, while the woman wears a light striped shirt and gazes forward. The kitchen has white cabinets and light streaming through the window.

One thing that may have fallen by the wayside is physical intimacy and affection.

Those barriers we spoke of earlier are often emotional, but those same walls allow you to shy away from physical contact, even though you crave the comfort that it brings.

If your partner is feeling just as lonely as you are, then he/she will have his/her own armor, creating another obstacle between you.

It may be that you’re still finding release in the bedroom department, but that it’s become a mechanical, habitual act rather than an act of love.

And the problem there lies in the resentment which builds up against these automatic responses when the tenderness is missing.

11. And not just in the bedroom.

A couple stands close together on a rocky beach with clear blue skies and water in the background. The man, in glasses and a gray sweater, hugs the woman from behind. The woman, with curly hair, smiles contently, both looking towards the horizon.

Spontaneous acts of physical affection, far from the bedroom and without any hidden agenda, are the ones which will help to break down the barriers and restore closeness between you.

Chances are they’ll help improve intimacy in the bedroom too.

When you are out walking together, try taking your partner’s hand. Or put an arm around their shoulders or waist if that feels right.

Pay attention to kisses goodbye and hello and make them warm and heartfelt, rather than barely noticed and automatic.

Small gestures, big impact.

Finally…

An older couple is embracing and smiling joyfully. The woman, with short brown hair, has her arms around the man's shoulders, while the man, with gray hair and a beard, leans into her, creating a tender and happy moment near a window with soft light.

It’s truly awful to feel lonely in your marriage, but the truth is that even the best relationships go through periods where one or both partners feel isolated or excluded.

It’s also a fact that all marriages need to be actively and energetically nurtured, sustained with love and shared intimacy.

There should be no sense of failure in finding yourself where you are now, not least because you’ve set the intention to heal the divide that caused you to grow apart.

Now you have some tools to help you restore your partnership.

It’s always helpful to remember that we are all flawed humans and the perfect marriage is the stuff of fiction, not fact.