If You've Totally Messed Up Your Relationship, Fix It With These 12 Steps

You’ve Messed Up Big Time

A close-up of a woman with a serious expression, dressed in a blazer, looking downward. In the blurred background, a person in a checkered shirt is seen with one arm raised, suggesting a heated or emotional exchange.

You’ve done something bad. We don’t need to know what it is, but, if it’s messed up your relationship, you need to fix it as much and as soon as you can.

Whether it’s a one-off or something you’ve been doing consistently over time (without realizing, maybe), you need to make some changes to your behavior – now.

Here are some tips on how to make amends for whatever it is you have done.

1. Own it.

A woman with wavy blonde hair, wearing a blue shirt, looks down pensively while resting her chin on her hand. A man, with a beard and wearing a white tank top, stands partially visible beside her. The scene is lit with a soft blue hue, creating a somber mood.

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge that you’ve made a mistake.

You both know it’s happened and you lying or trying to defend yourself probably won’t help in this situation.

Make it clear to your partner that you know you’ve messed up, because the more you try to pretend you’re not in the wrong or try to shirk responsibility, the more frustrated and upset they’re going to become with you.

You might not want to accept it, but arguing over something that is clear for you both to see is not a great idea, trust us.

2. Tell the whole truth.

A woman sitting on a bed with her hands on her head, appearing distressed. A man sits beside her with one hand on her shoulder, looking concerned. They are in a well-lit bedroom with a wooden headboard and soft, white bedding.

If you’ve messed up and you’re talking to your partner about it, don’t hide anything from them.

The only thing worse than finding out you’ve been betrayed is finding out a second time that there was more to it than your partner let on.

If you cheated twice but your partner thinks it only happened once, for example, you need to tell them now.

Do not make them feel like a mug by telling them half the truth now and letting them find the rest out for themselves later down the line – because they almost certainly will.

You need to be honest and admit to everything upfront – if you respect them at all, you’ll understand why that’s so important.

3. Apologize – and mean it.

A close-up image of a couple consoling each other. The woman is looking down with a sad expression, while the man gently holds her face and rests his forehead against hers in a comforting gesture. They both have serious, concerned looks on their faces.

Of course, make them realize how sorry you are. Find ways to show it, say it, make them believe it as much as you can.

Don’t say it as an off-hand comment or mumble it under your breath.

Take responsibility for what you’ve done, acknowledge that you have hurt someone you love, and make it very, very clear that you are sorry.

4. Prove that you’re not going to do it again.

A young man and woman are sitting close together, embracing and looking into each other's eyes. The man has curly hair and a beard, wearing a denim jacket. The woman has straight shoulder-length hair and is wearing an orange jacket. A cityscape is visible in the background.

If you messed up, make an effort to show you’re not going to make the same mistake again.

Prove to your partner that you are making the changes needed to make this relationship work.

You might feel like things have died down after a couple of days, but you still need to put in the effort to show them that you have changed and are going to do anything to make things work.

5. Be willing to make compromises.

A couple walks hand-in-hand on a bridge at night. The woman wears a light-colored trench coat, while the man wears dark clothing and carries a backpack. The bridge is adorned with ornate railings and illuminated by soft lighting. A blurred cityscape is visible in the background.

If you cheated on your partner with a close friend, you need to accept that they may never want you to see that friend again.

Some sacrifices will need to be made – and you can only blame yourself for them. Your partner is within their rights to expect some compromises and a change in your behavior.

You hurt them and you need to let them take the lead when it comes to them explaining what they need in order to feel comfortable and secure in the relationship again.

This doesn’t need to feel like punishment, but it should feel like an active change and proof that you won’t do it again.

6. Show them they’re your priority.

An elderly couple is engaged in a chess game at a wooden table inside a cozy, well-lit room. The man with gray hair and a beard looks at the board thoughtfully, while the woman with long blonde hair makes a move. A potted plant decorates the table.

Make sure you’re showing your partner how much you care about them and value your relationship with them.

If you’ve messed up and want to fix things, you need to show them that you love them and want things to work between you.

They might be feeling betrayed or neglected, and you should do your best to remove these thoughts from their mind by making them a priority in your life.

Surprise them with cute gifts or random hugs, go out of your way to let them know you care, and be proud to show the world you love them.

This will help them feel more confident about themselves following an infidelity or betrayal of some sort, and will help repair the damage you’ve done.

7. Show up when it counts.

A man and a woman sit at a table in a modern, well-lit café, smiling and having a conversation. The man holds a cup of coffee, and the woman has a glass of orange juice with a straw. The background features large windows with daylight streaming in.

Be there. If you messed up by never being present enough or by taking your partner for granted, make the effort to be there for the important things.

Don’t cancel date night. Stick to your commitments with your partner.

8. Be consistent.

A bearded man in a pink shirt is chopping yellow bell peppers on a wooden cutting board in a modern kitchen. A woman with long blonde hair, in a gray shirt, is sitting on the counter beside him, holding a tablet and smiling. A bowl of fresh vegetables sits nearby.

Anyone can be a good partner for a week. To genuinely show that you’re sorry for your actions and want to make the relationship work, you need to commit.

You need to be consistent and make these things a habit, not just a one-off apology.

Your partner will be keener than ever to feel secure and valued, and that won’t happen within a week.

Don’t do things just for the sake of it as you’ll probably just make things worse when they realize you couldn’t be bothered to stick at it.

Commit to proving how much you care and set a new standard for yourself within the relationship.

9. Communicate honestly and openly.

A man and a woman sit on a kitchen counter, both holding coffee mugs. The man has a beard and a bun, wearing a denim shirt, and the woman has long hair, wearing a white sweater. They are engaged in conversation with a warmly lit, rustic kitchen in the background.

Whatever it is you did to mess things up in your relationship, things may feel a bit strained or rocky for a while.

This is normal – something big has happened to upset one of you, and there’s also the issue of why you did something bad in the first place!

Your partner is probably feeling quite scared and vulnerable, so you need to really focus on communication at this point.

Start an honest conversation and stay calm – this isn’t the time to start defending yourself, it’s the time to listen to how your partner feels and show that you care.

10. Understand your partner may need space.

A woman and a man sit on white chairs, facing away from the camera and looking out of a large window. Sunlight streams in, illuminating their backs. Tall trees are visible through the window. Both wear casual clothing. The scene has a tranquil, contemplative atmosphere.

You might feel like you need to spend loads of quality time together to make up for whatever happened, but your partner may need some space to process.

It’s so tempting to smother them with love and affection straightaway – after all, you probably feel awful for hurting them and the guilt is making you want to be around them and try to cheer them up.

Part of respecting someone is accepting that they probably know what is best for them. If they need some time alone to process and figure out what they want to do going forwards, you need to give it to them.

11. Accept that forgiveness takes time.

A woman wearing a hat and scarf stands back-to-back with a man in a blue shirt on a city street. Both look distant and thoughtful. The background includes buildings, trees, and pedestrians.

However quickly you think you should both move on from the issue and get back to normal, you need to let your partner take the lead with this one.

They might need some time to be able to forgive you.

It’s normal to feel frustrated by this – after all, you’ve said you’re sorry and you’re being a great partner again.

However, if you truly want to move forward together, you need to let them take time to process properly and really work out how they feel.

If this takes longer than you want it to, wait. Don’t rush a decision as you’ll just put even more pressure on them and might end up upsetting them even more.

Let them take the lead, be there when they need you, and stay as genuinely apologetic and loving as they need you to.

12. Know when to let it go and call it a day.

A woman and a man sit back-to-back on a bed in a brightly lit bedroom. The woman appears thoughtful with a distant gaze, while the man looks down with crossed arms, both seemingly in a moment of tension or disagreement.

This one is horrible but, it’s part of being in a relationship.

You need to accept that your partner may not be happy staying with you after you’ve messed up. They may feel like things happen too often, or like you will never really change your ways.

You can talk about this, of course, and do your best to convince them to stay with you, but, ultimately, they are well within their rights to walk away for good.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do to change that. Acceptance is the only way to move forward.