12 Behaviors Of People Who Are Secretly Very Lonely In Life

These things often reveal a person’s inner loneliness.

A man with glasses and a mustache wearing a dark hoodie leans on a railing while gazing thoughtfully into the distance. There are blurred building structures in the background, suggesting an urban setting.

With all the ways that people can stay connected nowadays, it may be difficult to believe that some folks are incredibly lonely. In reality, loneliness affects more people than you might realize, and the following behaviors may indicate just how deeply they’re affected by it.

1. Keeping busy at all times.

A woman with long brown hair and glasses is leaning over a desk, writing in a notebook with a pen while looking at an open laptop. She is dressed in a light pink shirt and jeans. The desk has a white coffee mug and a smartphone. Shelves with books and office items are in the background.

Some secretly lonely people may be workaholics and devote as much time and energy as possible to their chosen career path. Others may clean their home obsessively, or continually take on new tasks, responsibilities, or hobbies—essentially ensuring that they have no free time in which their loneliness may rise up and affect them.

2. Having uncomfortable exchanges or conversations with random strangers.

An elderly woman in a bright pink shirt is standing at a supermarket checkout counter, holding a wallet and an avocado. She is smiling and interacting with a person handing over a credit card. A green shopping basket with fruits and vegetables is on the counter.

You may have witnessed this if you’ve ever watched an older person chat about current events with a cashier while a lineup was forming behind them, or try to engage a delivery person in conversation when they had a schedule to keep. Lonely people who try to connect may do so inappropriately.

3. Focusing on possessions or achievements instead of other people.

A red patent leather handbag with gold accents sits on top of a pair of crossed legs. The person is wearing striped leggings and red high heels with gold heels and ankle straps. The background is black, highlighting the vibrant colors of the accessories.

Desperately lonely people may throw themselves into academia, as their studies keep them busy and they can gain accolades from achieving degrees. Alternatively, they may buy things they don’t need in order to fill the emotional hole within them, such as collecting popular items or purchasing high-status objects to feel worthy.

4. Avoiding social functions.

A side profile of a man with a beard wearing a red beanie and a dark jacket. He stands outdoors with his eyes closed and appears calm and peaceful. The background is blurred, showcasing a cloudy sky.

Despite feeling profound loneliness, many lonely people prefer to avoid social functions—even if they’re invited to them. They’re often so afraid of potential rejection that they’ll feel anxious and awkward if they attend, which can result in a self-fulfilling prophecy about potentially alienating those around them.

5. Spending an excessive amount of time online.

A person with shoulder-length hair sits on the floor in a dimly lit room, leaning forward and staring intently at a laptop. They rest their head on one hand and appear focused, illuminated by the screen's light against a brick wall background.

Instead of cultivating real relationships with others, they chat with dozens of people online on a daily basis and get some satisfaction from the number of “likes” they get on posts. They may also seek out positions of power in online social communities, such as admin roles on Reddit or Discord.

6. Only maintaining shallow, temporary online acquaintanceships.

A person holds a smartphone with both hands, appearing engaged in a messaging conversation. Several speech bubbles in green and white are floating above the phone, symbolizing ongoing text messages. The background is blurred with greenery.

When and if they do cultivate relationships with people (usually online), they keep them quite superficial. They may exchange memes or jokes, avoiding any discussions that are too deep or emotionally involved, and will remove and block people without hesitation or discussion for the slightest perceived transgressions.

7. Being quick to anger or cruelty.

A woman with shoulder-length brown hair is seated on a grey couch, making a frustrated or angry facial expression while pointing her finger forward. The background includes a lit floor lamp and a brick wall.

Lonely people are often incredibly sad and resentful, which can manifest in anger and cruelty at the drop of a hat. If they see something they disagree with online, they may get biting and aggressive toward whoever posted it. This aggression only happens online, from a safe, anonymous distance, however.

8. Maintaining a very strict routine (and getting upset when it’s broken).

A person places a black plastic tray containing pre-packaged microwave meals into a microwave oven. The person is leaning forward and smiling, looking at the food through the open microwave door. The microwave is lit up and the food is ready for heating.

Many will hold to solid routines regarding how they spend their time, the meals they prepare, and so on, and will get anxious and upset if anything disrupts it. They take comfort in reliability, and can alleviate their feelings of loneliness with the structure and reassurance that routines can offer.

9. Connection with fictional characters rather than real people.

A person with curly hair lies on a gray couch, holding an open book above their face, reading. The room is well-lit by natural light coming through a sliding glass door, leading to a balcony with potted plants and outdoor furniture in the background.

A lot of secretly lonely folks will self-soothe their loneliness by filling it with connections they have to fictional characters in TV series, books, or movies. They may even treat their favorite characters as though they were real friends, getting sincerely upset or offended if others criticize or dislike them.

10. Self-criticism and condemnation.

A young man with short brown hair and a neatly trimmed red beard stands against a light blue-gray background. He is wearing a pink and white striped shirt and looking directly at the camera with a neutral expression.

Those who are desperately lonely are often those who experienced cruelty from others over long periods of time, so they avoid interacting with other people because they expect to be mistreated. As such, they’re often self-deprecating and cruel to themselves, because that hurts less than being damaged by other people.

11. Associating with negative people.

Rather than taking the risk to cultivate healthy relationships with people they actually like and want to spend time with, they may gravitate toward those who are negatively focused. These relationships rarely revolve around real interaction, but are instead often codependent, or involve mutual condemnation and complaint.

12. Being very critical.

A person with long red hair and blunt bangs wears large black glasses, bold red lipstick, and black tassel earrings. They have a serious expression and are posing against a dark blue background, with their hand resting near their cheek, touching the glasses.

Many intensely lonely people find catharsis in criticizing and condemning others, especially in topics they feel knowledgeable or skilled about. For example, they may have a YouTube channel dedicated to critiquing films or games, and get their dopamine hits from bantering with those who dare to argue with them.