12 Common Myths About Narcissists That You Need To Stop Believing

Don’t believe everything you read about narcissists.

A woman with pale skin, dark hair, and bold red lipstick gazes intently at the camera. Her hair is neatly styled, and she has a serious expression. To the right, a slightly transparent reflection of her face adds a surreal effect to the image.

There’s a lot of misunderstanding going around about narcissists and their behavior. People’s views of them can be very black and white, and they may hold to certain myths that just aren’t true. Here are 12 of the most common things you shouldn’t believe.

1. That you can fix them.

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You may think that the narcissist you care about is simply a misunderstood creature who can be magically “fixed” with enough empathy and acceptance. While narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often develops after an abusive upbringing, it takes an extraordinary amount of personal willpower, self-work, and therapy to heal from it.

2. That if you show them love and care, they’ll choose to treat you better.

A stylish person with short, light hair and glasses is wearing a black leather jacket, black pants, and black heeled boots. They are casually leaning back on a large white cube with one leg extended and the other bent at the knee against a gray background.

Many narcissistic abuse victims believe that if they respond to abuse with more loving kindness, their abuser will see the error of their ways and choose to treat them better. The problem here is that the narcissist sees absolutely no problem with their behavior, so why would they feel any need to change?

3. That they need to be protected from the consequences of their actions.

A close-up of a woman covering her ears with her hands, looking distressed and facing away. Behind her, a man is shouting aggressively, with his mouth wide open. Both are indoors with a neutral background. The scene conveys a sense of conflict and emotional distress.

There was a thread online recently in which people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) insisted that their victims remain silent about their abuse, because it made NPD sufferers “look bad”, and they’re the real victims in this situation. If that doesn’t encompass their self-absorption and desire to control narratives, what does?

4. That their actions stem from arrogant superiority.

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Since most narcissists brag about how amazing they are all the time, it’s easy to mistake their behavior as stemming from insufferable holier-than-thou-ism and an overblown sense of superiority. In reality, many people with NPD have cripplingly low self-esteem, and thus need constant praise and reassurance to counteract their self-doubt and loathing.

5. That they’re fully aware of how awful their behavior is, and how it affects those around them.

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Narcissists like to inflict pain on others if they feel hurt, and will punish people whom they feel have wronged them. Generally, however, when they’re being selfish, cruel, or manipulative, they feel perfectly justified in what they’re doing. In their minds, everyone else is being awful, and their own actions make complete sense.

6. That they intentionally seek out empaths in order to destroy them.

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The narcissist-empath dynamic is a common pairing, as the two often end up in an unhealthy codependent loop pattern. That said, narcissists don’t specifically look up empaths in order to pursue them: they just happen to be drawn to those who show them real kindness and acceptance, and then the mess begins.

7. That they’re all cruel toward animals.

A man with short brown hair and a trimmed beard affectionately presses his forehead against a tabby cat's head. The cat has green eyes and white fur on its chest, looking alert and focused. The background is softly blurred.

Some people with NPD don’t care much for animals, and might even torment them for their own amusement. In fact, some will even willfully neglect or hurt them to punish their owners for perceived wrongdoing. That said, other narcissists may be devoted pet lovers who love their animals beyond measure.

8. That everything they do is to earn praise and recognition.

A person with a short blonde wig and white cat-eye sunglasses strikes a stylish pose. They wear a white collared shirt with the collar popped and touch their chin thoughtfully. The background is plain and neutral, creating a minimalist aesthetic.

Although many narcissists seek to be the center of attention or gain accolades from peers and superiors whom they admire, others prefer to stay out of the spotlight and be left alone. For these folks, getting their own needs met is all that matters to them: they couldn’t care less about others.

9. That they can’t help what they’re doing.

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Anyone who’s been abused by a narcissist who has put on a good face in public and then “flipped a switch” when they got home is aware of the control they have over their behavior. If they couldn’t help what they were doing, they’d be doing it all the time instead of selectively.

10. They really don’t care if people in their lives stay or go.

A man sits pensively on a white couch in a dimly lit room, while a woman carrying a shoulder bag stands in the doorway. A small table with a plant and an alarm clock is visible beside her.

In reality, narcissists take rejection really badly, and their self-esteem suffers terribly if someone they admire chooses to remove them from their lives. They want to be the ones to discard other people whenever they see fit, but if someone else discards them, it can be devastating to them.

11. That therapists refuse to work with narcissists.

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Some therapists actually specialize in cluster-B personality disorders, including NPD. If a narcissist sincerely wants to change for the better but doesn’t know where to start, they can seek out professional help from someone who has experience with their condition, and is thus equipped to handle it.

12. That narcissistic behavior makes someone a narcissist.

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People exhibit many different types of behavior during their lives, and it’s almost inevitable that an individual will be self-serving, manipulative, or cruel at some points, depending on what they’re going through. Occasional narcissistic behavior doesn’t necessarily imply Narcissistic Personality Disorder: they may simply be struggling, dysregulating, or even deeply damaged.