Do You Care Too Much?
Caring is not a weakness or flaw.
On the contrary, to care demonstrates love and compassion for oneself and all of the people you care about. However, some people are overwhelmed by how much they care. They may have such strong feelings and emotional reactions that it can damage their well-being. They may find themselves anxious, depressed, unable to sleep, or constantly worrying. They may experience physical symptoms like having no appetite, stomach aches, headaches, or high blood pressure.
Caring is an important facet of the human experience. But caring too much can cause harm to yourself and your life.
Not only are there the potential medical ramifications, but other people can and will take advantage of your caring nature.
What a person who cares too much needs is balance.
Here is how to achieve it in both your personal and professional life.
1. Create and enforce boundaries.
Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships.
Every person has limits on what they find to be acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Unfortunately, not many people actually take the time to think about their boundaries and define them.
That’s an important step to take because it removes the confusion and ambiguity that often comes with emotional situations.
It’s easy to make bad decisions when you’re flooded with stress and emotion.
Instead, you make that decision ahead of time, so you clearly know where your boundary is and are able to enforce it.
For example, you have a boundary where you do not want to hear your friend complain about their relationship because they do nothing to change it.
So when your friend starts moaning about how terrible their partner is, you don’t need to entertain the conversation or invest extra energy into figuring out whether or not it’s acceptable.
All you need to do is say, “Hey, I’m not interested in listening to you wallow in negativity about your relationship. We should talk about something else.”
2. Don’t over-invest in other people.
People who care too much will often find that it’s not a reciprocal relationship.
They will devote excessive energy to worrying and fussing over the people they care about, while those people won’t devote nearly as much energy back.
Sure, they may care about you a lot; they may just not be wired in the same way that you are.
Frankly, most people are primarily concerned with themselves and their own problems, first and foremost.
A good way to manage these relationships is to exert an equal amount of energy.
Don’t spend your time chasing after people constantly. Put about as much energy into the relationship as they do.
You shouldn’t make it a tit for tat thing. Like, if they call me once, I’ll call them once. People get busy with life and sometimes get distracted.
But it does become a problem when you’re the one putting in all the effort and work.
There’s nothing wrong with being the one to reach out or try to get something going. Just don’t be the person who constantly pours into others without being poured into yourself.
3. Minimize your contact with negative people.
Negative people have a problem for every solution. You’re not going to change the way they think. That’s something they have to do for themselves.
Stop and make an assessment about the people you spend time with.
How do they make you feel when you leave their presence? Do you feel happy and energized? Or do you feel drained and negative?
Are you walking around with negative feelings because they are loading their problems and worries onto you?
It’s good to be a supportive friend, but some people just love wallowing in their misery.
The easiest thing to do is to pull back and create some space so that you’re not devoting so much of your energy to them and their negativity.
4. Learn to say no.
“No” is the single most powerful tool for protecting your space, peace of mind, and metering how much you care.
You must be able to say no otherwise people will continuously intrude on your space.
And to be clear, these aren’t necessarily bad or toxic people either. It’s just that no one can really know what you’re thinking or how you feel unless you can clearly communicate.
People-pleasers are easy to take advantage of because they will often agree to things that are not okay.
Malicious people can and will take advantage of that if you let them.
Once you start saying no, you will likely find that the people around you change their behavior.
Some people might even get angry with you because your agreeability and care are no longer at their convenience.
So let the trash take itself out. The people that genuinely care about you will adjust, even if it’s a little bumpy.
5. Surround yourself with things that make you feel good.
The emotions behind caring are generally outgoing in nature. You are investing your time, thoughts, emotions, and energy into the things you care about.
The problem is that you cannot pour out of yourself indefinitely. You must be able to refill your emotional reservoir when you’ve poured out of it.
One way that you can do that is by surrounding yourself with things that make you feel good.
That will differ from person to person. Maybe it’s a job well done, a clean house, art, gardening, or exercise.
Maybe it’s spending devoted time with loved ones where you can enjoy their presence.
Maybe it’s traveling and experiencing something new and interesting.
Whatever it is, get more of it in your life.
6. Disregard the opinions of other people.
Everybody has an opinion.
But how many of them are good or useful?
How many of them are knowledgeable and informed?
The truth of the matter is that many people don’t even understand themselves. Yet, we give incredible weight to the perceptions of others.
Why do you care so much about what that person thinks? Are they an expert on your life? What you want? What makes you happy? What brings you peace of mind?
No.
Even worse, there are plenty of bitter and cynical people that solely exist to tear happy people down!
The typical advice is to ignore what other people think. That may not be the best choice. Sometimes we need an outside perspective.
A better approach is to consider the opinion, look for any merit, and decide whether or not it’s relevant.
If it’s not relevant or if it’s to hurt you, then ignore it.
7. Build your self-confidence.
Self-confidence is a powerful tool for creating a balance in caring for yourself and others.
It is the healthy middle ground that exists between arrogance and self-loathing.
Arrogant people tend to not care about other people all that much. They may feel that the problems and concerns of other people are beneath them.
Self-loathing people often care too much about other people’s opinions because they think they’re a garbage person and, thus, any negative perception must be true.
Instead, you want to move more toward the middle.
Self-confidence is knowing that you are a valuable, flawed person who is worthy and worthwhile.
You don’t spend your time worrying about currying favor or what other people think about you.
A self-confident person knows that things will go right sometimes and wrong sometimes, but no matter how it goes, they can adapt and find their way forward.
They don’t need to spend their time agonizing over all the what-ifs.
You’ll find it easier to not care and let things flow by building your self-confidence.
You won’t spend your time worrying about what your partner is doing if you know you are worthy of their love.
8. Never forget, you are a replaceable cog in the machine.
When it comes to work, are you the type of person that says things like, “This place would fall apart without me!”?
Do you spend your time constantly worrying about the next deadline?
Do you maximize every single second of productivity that you possibly can?
Do you volunteer for anything that needs to be done because you want to be perceived as a “go-getter?”
Do you skip out on safety measures in the name of expediency?
Do you work off the clock or through your breaks?
You are setting yourself up for failure by caring too much. Way too much.
Never forget: You are a replaceable cog in the machine. Management can and will replace you when they have to.
No, the place isn’t going to fall apart without you. Smart, well-run businesses take pains to ensure their internal structure doesn’t have a single lynchpin, so everything doesn’t grind to a halt if that person decides to leave.
Don’t fall for that garbage that management talks about being a rockstar or a family.
Remember that when you want to cut corners on safety, volunteer for more work when you’re already stretched thin, or want to miss a gathering with your actual family for work.
9. Keep your personal and professional life separate.
There are far too many businesses that blur the lines between your personal and professional life.
People who care too much about the job are perfect targets for this sort of thing because they often have poor boundaries.
Keep your personal and professional life separated as much as you can.
How do you create healthy boundaries with work?
Do not install work-related apps on your personal devices. Do not check your email or answer phone calls from work when you are off the clock.
You do not exist to your workplace from the time you clock out until the time you clock back in.
Do not work off the clock. Take your breaks when you have them. Sit down and eat lunch. Take smaller breaks if you’re entitled to them.
Use your benefits. If you get sick time or vacation time, review the employee handbook and figure out how that time works specifically.
Use your sick time if you have it. Use your vacation time if you have it. Don’t let it just roll off or disappear because you didn’t use it.
Some places do not pay out sick time when you leave a job, so you basically just threw all that money away.
It’s your money. It’s your time. Don’t let your management and fellow employees guilt trip you into not having boundaries.
“Oh, well, everyone stays an extra hour!” “John didn’t take any sick days at all last year!” “We work hard, so we can play hard.” “You need to be accessible at all times.”
All garbage.
10. Define what success means to you.
Success can be measured in different ways. It may come as meeting deadlines, meeting certain metrics, or getting a particular job done.
You need to understand how success is measured and possibly set your own standards for success.
One of the ways bad managers take advantage of people who care too much is to set impossible standards that no one can meet.
Then they tell you that you’re the problem; you just need to work harder and care more. And if you did, then everything would be great!
In a bad job, that means working extra hours, taking on responsibilities that aren’t yours, and working the jobs of three people because management won’t make an effort to actually hire someone.
And why would they if they have someone who cares too much that they can exploit?
A person who will break their back doing all that extra and excessive labor under the guise of “success.”
And then once you do break your back, they fire you because you didn’t adhere to company policy, protecting themselves from liability and trying to stick you with the medical bills.
Now, you may have goals that you’re working toward. Most people want to do a good job, earn a fair wage, and build the kind of life that is right for them.
But you need to understand what success means for you and ensure you are not wasting too much energy caring about impossible standards that can never be met.
That’s energy you could instead be pouring into your personal life, your family, and your health.
Finally…
Caring is good. It means you are an empathetic and compassionate person.
But caring too much for anything will only get you used and abused.
Never sacrifice your dignity and self-respect because you care too much.
No one who genuinely cares about you would ever ask you to do that.
Setting boundaries and learning to care for yourself will cause some waves, so don’t be surprised if you end up losing some friends because you’re no longer useful.
Be thankful. They are clearing the space for you to invite new people into your life that will respect your boundaries.
