These are dead giveaways that you’re being manipulated.
Some people will try to get you to do what they want. And we’re not just talking about the occasional use of persuasion tactics either. We’re talking about regular, often intense behaviors that are designed to coerce you into abandoning your wishes or dropping your boundaries.
So, how can you tell if someone is attempting to manipulate you? Look for the following red flags.
1. They try to guilt trip you.
Guilt-tripping is a powerful tool because it makes you feel ungrateful, prompting you to want to do more, help more, accommodate more. A common guilt trip is, “After everything I’ve done for you…” It’s a way to make you feel insecure so that you will comply with their request. Of course, what they ask often isn’t good for you, but it is good for them.
2. They try to gaslight you.
Gaslighting makes you feel confused and unsure by denying reality or twisting facts. They want you to feel that your perceptions or memories aren’t correct so that they can influence your judgment. If you are a victim of gaslighting, you may find yourself confused, regularly questioning their story versus your memories. It won’t be a one-off mistake, but a regular occurrence.
3. They always play the victim.
Manipulators love nothing more than to present themselves as the victim. The goal is to drop your defenses for exploitation. It’s never their fault. It’s always someone else’s responsibility. It’s always that everyone else is unfair or misunderstanding them. They want your pity. Then, when they have it, they’ll ask for something—usually money or a favor.
4. They deliberately withhold information.
It’s impossible to make an informed decision if you’re not informed. There are a few common ways to control the flow of information. They may just not inform you of important things. They could also only tell you part of the truth or leave gaps in the story. A good indicator of this technique is that you will find yourself asking questions about the truthfulness of the story.
5. They heap on flattery and charm.
Manipulators often use excessive compliments and charm to disarm you. They want to make you feel good so you don’t question the thing they’re about to ask of you. For example, “Hey, I really need you to do this for me…” And since they made you feel good, you will feel more inclined to help them out. If they charm you well enough, they can even ask you to do things that are not good for you.
6. They make threats and issue ultimatums.
Threats and ultimatums are a more heavy-handed approach to manipulation. The implications are typically mental or emotional harm. “You will do this for me or I will hurt you in some way.” Ultimatums are similar. “Comply or I will do this negative thing…” The harm they threaten you with may even include their own self-harm if that does the job of getting you to act how they want.
7. They shift blame and avoid responsibility.
Manipulators are skilled at shifting blame. Nothing is ever their fault or their responsibility. It’s always someone else who messed up. They may even try to turn it back around onto you to make you feel like it’s your fault. This is a fairly predictable behavior because they will typically do it over and over.
8. They employ emotional blackmail to control you.
Emotional blackmail is the use of your feelings against you. They will exploit your insecurities, fears, or attachments to control you. A common phrase you might hear is, “If you really loved me, you would…” Of course, what they’re asking is something that you don’t want to do or don’t feel comfortable doing.
9. They give you the silent treatment.
Instead of discussing issues openly, they may give you the cold shoulder. The idea is to make you anxious so you’ll try harder to please them. Silence gives the manipulator the upper hand because they control your ability to respond. They use your anxiety by dangling their participation in front of you, like a carrot on a stick.
10. They may isolate you.
The manipulator does not want you to be around third parties or people who care about you. Why? Because it’s easier for a third party to see what’s actually going on. Do you feel alone or disconnected from the people that you love? That’s a major red flag that you’re being isolated for abuse.