17 Psychological Reasons Why You Care So Much What Other People Think

Do You Care Too Much What Other People Think?

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“The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages.” – Virginia Woolf

Most people are victims of an odd obsession, one that causes them to spend their time worrying about what other people are thinking.

It’s odd because it’s just guesswork; pure fantasy that we create in our minds.

Somewhere inside of us, we know this truth, but we continue nonetheless.

And it is this incessant fascination with what fills the minds of other people that is the cause of so much anxiety and worry.

It’s time to quit this habit. It’s time to take back control of your mind. It’s time to stop caring what others think of you.

But first we need to explore the reasons why you care so much what anyone thinks. And most of them boil down to psychology.

Identifying the combination of reasons why YOU care so much about how you come across to others is vital if you are to begin to care less and eventually not care much at all.

1. It’s all about the ego.

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Your ego is the part of you that you likely identify with most. It is the “I” that speaks much of the time; the “self” that you refer to.

And it’s not all bad. The ego sometimes plays an important positive role in how we act or feel or view the world.

But the ego also generates some of the negative thought patterns we experience, including our obsession with what others think of us.

Let’s break it down a bit more. The ego is responsible for the following issues you may be experiencing.

2. You feel self-doubt.

A woman with shoulder-length hair and wearing a sleeveless top is standing outdoors with a blurred background of trees. She is touching her forehead with her hand and appears to be pensive or stressed.

When we are unsure in ourselves and our abilities, we look to others to provide reassurance. We ask them to fill our ephemeral, ethereal beings with confidence.

We seek regular reinforcement of our fragile self-belief so that we may push our self-doubt down into a dark corner of our minds where it cannot affect us.

The problem comes when we do not receive the necessary words of encouragement from others to convince us of our self-worth.

Instead, we turn to our imaginations and construct our own versions of what others think. We fabricate their opinions of us.

But when you already feel insecure, the thoughts that you put into other people’s heads are likely to be less than kind.

You project your feelings of self-doubt outwards and convince yourself that others have the same doubts about you that you have of yourself.

If you think of yourself as weak, you believe that others see you as weak. If you worry that you’re not attractive, you convince yourself that others think you’re ugly.

Whatever negative thoughts you have about yourself become the negative thoughts other people must have of you too. This is what you tell yourself.

If you are self-confident, however, this need for reassurance is markedly reduced and so you worry less about what others are thinking.

3. You need to be liked.

A man wearing glasses and a blue plaid shirt is sitting and smiling at a woman in a denim jacket at a bar counter, while two other people in the background are also smiling and talking. The setting is casual and relaxed with a warm ambiance.

Another way in which we put a value on our selves is by judging how well liked we are by others.

We want to feel like we belong, we want to be a part of something, we want to believe that we can depend on those around us should we need their help in times of trouble.

This is why loneliness is so detrimental to our mental health. When we have no one around us, we have no safety net to catch us when we fall.

And even when we have friends and loved ones in our lives, can we ever really be sure what they think of us and how far they would go to lend a hand?

That nagging self-doubt we just spoke about will rear its ugly head and cause us to doubt the true feelings of our friends and family.

We worry too much about the thoughts of others because they are hidden from us. They are unknowns and this scares us.

Until we can be sure that a good friend truly is a friend and not someone who just “keeps us around” for ulterior motives, we will fixate on what they think of us.

4. You need to impress.

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Tying in closely with the need to be liked is the need to impress others.

This need is often motivated by some personal gain – whether to boost our prospects of a raise at work, to win favor in a social circle, or to attract a romantic interest.

So we do things that we think will excite, inspire, or arouse feelings in others.

Unfortunately, the signs that our attempts have worked are not always forthcoming. It is not always obvious when someone has been impressed by your efforts.

And even if they are on show, many people are rubbish at reading these signs.

So they question themselves.

“Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy? Did I do something wrong?”

You try to peer inside the minds of others, but you can’t. So you worry and fret and occupy your mind with made up thoughts about what they are thinking.

5. You want to avoid humiliation.

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Why does it feel so bad when others laugh at you, mock you, or pour scorn over your choices in life?

Humiliation is not only an act by others, it is the resulting wound inflicted upon your ego. Humiliation makes you feel small and poor and worthless.

The ego wishes to avoid those feelings at all costs. To achieve this, it must identify potential threats and act to neutralize them. It can be considered a defense mechanism of sorts, designed to avoid the emotional trauma of shame and embarrassment.

So you spend time worrying about who might dislike you, why they dislike you, and what you might be able to do to appease them.

6. You believe you are defined by others.

Four women are sitting and smiling while using chopsticks at a restaurant. They appear to be enjoying a meal and engaging in lively conversation. The background features decorative patterns. One woman wears a green dress, another purple, and the others orange and yellow.

As stated earlier, your ego is the part of you that you most closely associate with your “self.”

But by whom is this self defined?

The ego believes that a large part of who you are – of who it is – comes from how other people view you.

Therefore, you must know what other people think about you so that you can know yourself better.

And who doesn’t want to “discover” who they really are? Truly knowing yourself brings a peace and serenity to life.

Hence why you can become consumed by the need to know what other people are thinking.

7. You believe that popularity equals happiness.

A group of smiling people raise their glasses for a toast inside a warmly lit space. Some hold champagne while others have whiskey. Festive lights in the background add to the celebratory atmosphere.

Another myth that the ego believes is that the more popular you become, the happier you’ll be.

But here’s the funny part, you can’t ever be sure if you’re popular or not because you’d have to be 100% certain that the affection being shown was genuine.

So what do you do? You think doubly hard about what others think of you.

Do these people really like you or are they just pretending? Do they like you for who you are, or for what you can do for them? Are they taking advantage of you?

So, in many ways, the desire to be more popular is more likely to lead to unhappiness than happiness.

You’ll spend so much time trapped by the fear of what others think, that you won’t be able to enjoy their company – whether they are genuine or not.

8. It’s also an evolutionary thing.

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Aside from factors concerning the ego, there might be another root cause of why we care so much about what other people think of us.

Perhaps – and this now shifts into the realms of speculation – it comes from the way our ancestors lived and, indeed, how our primate cousins live now.

Maybe we have inherited some genes which predispose us to this kind of thought process.

There is surely some survival value in knowing how other members of our social groups view us.

Where am I on the social ladder? What role am I required to play? Do I need to change my behavior to please a dominant figure?

Does the dominant figure see me as a threat? Could I challenge him or should I submit?

Will that female let me mate with her? Is that male a threat to my offspring?

While it is highly unlikely that our ancestors spent as much time as we do tormenting ourselves in this way, they may have had to ponder such questions and consider how others in their group might behave.

9. Your insecurities amplify the worry.

A man with short brown hair, wearing a white t-shirt, stands in a kitchen holding a smartphone. He looks thoughtfully to the side. The kitchen has white cabinets, shelves, and a cup of coffee on the countertop.

If you have particular hang-ups that get you down, you may think about them often. Some, potentially most, of these thoughts will relate to how others see or think about you.

Perhaps you have body issues, are unemployed, are concealing mental health issues, or are hiding other aspects of your personality because you feel ashamed of them.

If you think about these things a lot, you may worry that others think about them too (or, in the case of hiding something, that they know about it).

10. Your personal and lifestyle choices can make you vulnerable to worry.

A family of four, consisting of two adults and two children, are sitting around a table holding hands and praying before a meal. The table is set with a roasted turkey, corn on the cob, and various vegetables. The scene appears to be during a holiday gathering.

Sometimes, it is what you choose to do in life that makes you wonder how others view you.

Whether that’s staying celibate until marriage, converting to a different religion, moving to another country, or going vegan, your choices may well impact how others see and treat you.

This can leave you more vulnerable to the types of thoughts we’re discussing here.

11. Your past failures impact your thoughts.

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When we try and fail, it can leave a bitter taste in the mouth. Sometimes, part of the disappointment stems from the worry about how others will react to your failure.

Will they laugh at you, will they belittle you, will they say “I told you so” and revel in your misery?

Will they look down on you, will they pity you, might they even turn their backs on you?

12. Social media plays a role.

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Our virtual interconnectedness is both a marvel and a potential cause for concern.

Remember we discussed a need to be liked in section one? Well, through the rise of social media, we can now measure how well we are liked by how many “friends” or “followers” we have and how many reactions and comments people leave on our posts.

This also feeds the myth that popularity equals happiness. We think that our smiles will grow in proportion to how many digital connections we make.

13. Exposure to trashy news makes it worse.

Two young women are sitting at a wooden table in a cafe, engaged in a lively conversation while holding magazines. One has curly red hair and wears a light shirt, and the other has long blonde hair and is dressed in a burgundy top. Two coffee cups and a smartphone are on the table.

“Revealed: celeb shocker as star displays bingo wings on Mexican beach holiday!”

That’s the sort of headline that sells magazines and drives internet clicks all over the world.

But it also makes you wonder: if people are thinking about how this celebrity looks or acts or who they choose to date, they probably enjoy gossiping about their friends/workmates/acquaintances/complete strangers too.

In which case, I need to worry about what they are saying about me (or so the flawed logic goes).

14. Stress and anxiety contribute to negative thinking.

A woman with glasses and dark hair sits at a desk with her open laptop in front of her. She rests her head on her hand, appearing stressed or tired. A small potted plant is also on the desk. Light filters through window blinds in the background.

When events put us under pressure, our minds can react in various ways, one of which is to think that we are also under greater scrutiny.

If we’re given a tight deadline at work, we worry what the boss will say if we miss it.

If we end our marriage, we reflect on who people will blame and whether they’ll disapprove.

If we’re running late for dinner with friends, we fret that they may think we’re unreliable.

On the whole, stressful times tend to lend themselves to negative thoughts and assumptions, some of which will concern how others view us.

15. You experience imposter syndrome.

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Perhaps you feel as though you are a fraud and that you will get found out as such any day now.

Without question, if you suffer from this, you will be thinking a lot about what other people think about you.

16. You compare yourself to others.

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Maybe you see the success of others and you envy their lives.

If it seems as though they have everything going for them, it might make you question what you have going for you (feeding the insecurities we spoke of above).

And if you question these things, you’ll probably worry that other people will be thinking these things about you too.

Social media only makes this worse because we are able to peer into the carefully curated lives of others multiple times a day.

17. You feel (or are being) judged.

Many of these amplifying factors share a common thread: judgement.

In any situation where you feel someone is judging you, the mind can’t help but wonder what they are thinking and why. After all, wouldn’t you want to know these things?

This is more common for those whose race, religion, orientation, or political beliefs are in the minority, especially if these things cause tension in your community.