12 Signs Of Narcissistic Abuse That Usually Go Unnoticed Until It’s Too Late

These signs are often overlooked until it’s too late.

A woman with dark hair and red lipstick looks away thoughtfully while a man leans in close to whisper something, partially visible. The scene conveys an intimate and possibly intense moment between the two.

Most people who suffer narcissistic abuse go for years without realizing just how much harm has been inflicted upon them. This is because the abuse can often be subtle at the beginning, and then get so commonplace that it becomes their baseline “normal”. Here are 12 signs of narcissistic abuse that may go unnoticed until real damage is done.

1. Subtle insults or comments that slowly erode your self-esteem, bit by bit.

A man with a beard and mustache wearing a blue suit and white shirt is winking at the camera. He has short brown hair and is set against a dark background.

Narcissists will often make backhanded compliments that appear to be kind but are hurtful just below the surface. They’ll also seem utterly sincere while they’re doing so, making you wonder if you’re being oversensitive instead of appreciating their supposed kindness toward you.

2. Love bombing, followed by withheld affection.

A close-up of a couple about to kiss. The woman has bold red lipstick, winged eyeliner, and long lashes. The man has a beard and is wearing a plaid suit jacket. They are both embracing intimately against a dark background.

Your abuser may go all-out toward you, lavishing you with love and attention that might make you feel like they’re too good to be true. You may even feel overwhelmed by their affection… until they withhold it completely, and you’re left wondering what you did wrong.

3. Rewards for what they consider to be “good” behavior, and punishment for perceived missteps.

A woman and a man are in a modern restaurant. She is seated at a table with sushi and a cup of tea, looking up at him. The man, in a dark blazer, stands next to her, leaning forward slightly, engaged in conversation. The restaurant has a stylish, contemporary interior.

This goes along with the love-bombing: a narcissist’s “love” is entirely conditional upon you doing what they want. If you do, then you’ll get their loving attention. In contrast, if you don’t pacify them and do as they want, they’ll withhold affection and even behave as though your presence disgusts them.

4. A pattern of illness or injury whenever you have something else that you want to do.

A young man lies on a couch, wrapped in a blanket, looking up at a woman. She is offering him a glass of water and a spoonful of medicine. The setting is cozy, suggesting care and attention.

Watch for behavioral patterns such as them suddenly getting ill or injured whenever you have other plans. This is a common passive-aggressive control method that narcissists use to keep you around to “take care of them”, and guilt trip you for abandoning them if you go do your own thing anyway.

5. Over-analyzing your behaviors.

A man in a suit enjoys a croissant and holds a cup of coffee while standing in a modern kitchen. A woman in the background, also dressed in business attire, pours herself a drink from a kettle. Croissants and a plate of fruits are on the counter.

Is this person continually asking you what you meant by a particular phrase? Or obsessing about subtle changes in your behavior or routine? Narcissists are so afraid of abandonment that they look for signs of potential threats in order to control them, putting others on the defensive in the process.

6. Forcing your dependency upon them.

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A narcissist may seem like they’re being loving and generous by taking some stressful responsibilities off your shoulders, but their underlying goal is to make you dependent upon them. If you don’t have your own income, or need them to drive you around, then they have power over you.

7. Jealousy or insecurity about your friendships.

A man in a white t-shirt and plaid pajama pants sits on a bed engrossed in his smartphone. Behind him, a woman in a casual dress sits with her knees drawn up, looking at him with a neutral expression. The room is softly lit by sunlight streaming through the window blinds.

Does this person imply that they don’t like your friends because they’re a bad influence on you, or because they feel like your friends want to date you? They’ll start by saying that they don’t like or trust these people, then progress to demanding that you cut them out of your life.

8. Subtle gaslighting.

A man and a woman are sitting on a couch in a living room. The man is gesturing with his hands, explaining something, while the woman looks concerned and rests her head on her hand. Large windows are in the background.

Narcissists generally don’t go all out at once to make you think that you’re insane. Instead, they sow tiny seeds that make you start to question your own judgment, such as implying that you didn’t remember things correctly, and that maybe you’re stressed or unwell and that’s why your memory is failing.

9. Finding ways to overstep your boundaries.

A blonde woman in a sparkling silver dress stands close to a man in a dark suit. The man has brown hair and a beard. They are posing with an elegant and intimate demeanor against a backdrop of bright, diffused lights.

They don’t like boundaries, so they’ll overstep yours in a way that paints them as the “good guy”, and you as the jerk. For example, you might establish that you aren’t to be disturbed during your yoga practice, and they’ll “just want to do something nice” by bringing you a bottle of water.

10. Inconsistency.

A man with a beard and short hair, wearing a dark green suit jacket and white shirt, leaning forward with a focused expression. Warm interior lighting and blurred background.

A person who feels like they’re on stable ground is more difficult to manipulate than one who’s off balance. The narcissist in your life will aim to keep things on a rollercoaster so you never know where you stand with them, like talking to you daily for weeks and then ignoring you.

11. Making you responsible for their emotions.

A man in a black suit and bow tie appears to be speaking with an upset expression, while a woman in a beige dress stands facing away with her arms crossed, looking down. They are in a white room, separated by a partial wall.

Essentially, any behavior they exhibit that you find unacceptable is your fault, and not theirs. They wouldn’t have yelled if you hadn’t made them angry, and they wouldn’t have given you the silent treatment if you hadn’t shown them how little you appreciate their efforts toward you.

12. Cultivating relationships with those close to you in order to manipulate you.

A group of people enjoying a night out. Two women in the foreground are holding drinks, smiling at the camera; one has a cocktail with a straw and garnish, the other a wine glass. Three other people are in the background, engaging and smiling.

Narcissists often cultivate “flying monkeys” to help them get what they want. As such, they may try to establish relationships with your close friends or family members, then turn to them to “help out” if and when you’re not behaving the way the narcissist in your life wants you to.