Do you struggle to move on?
Few things are as difficult as letting go of the past. But some people seem to struggle more than others.
Maybe it’s a bad relationship with someone you loved deeply, a dream job that isn’t what you thought it would be, or the life you thought you or a loved one would have is no longer a possibility. It doesn’t even need to be a major life event. It could be something that others see as small and trivial but to you, it feels huge and insurmountable to move on from.
Whatever it is, identifying why you find it so hard to move on is usually a good first step.
So, which of these common reasons apply to you?
1. Living in the past is easier.
Few things are as difficult as change. People who like predictability may live in the past and not let go because that’s just what they’re used to. And their past situations may not even be good to begin with.
For example, consider a person who finds themselves in an abusive relationship. It probably didn’t start off abusive. In fact, it was probably pretty great at the beginning. It might even be great most of the time in the present.
Abusers rarely show their true face in the beginning because they know that other people will flee. Instead, they act nice, kind, and loving for a while before taking their socially acceptable mask off. But even that isn’t a totally accurate representation of how that situation can go. Sometimes, a person can be 95% great, but that other 5% is so awful that they aren’t healthy to be around.
There are times that the victim in that scenario will not accept the present because they are waiting for that loving, wonderful person they met at the beginning of the relationship to come back. They may be led to believe by the abuser that they just need to act a certain way to receive that affection again. Often, they don’t realize that this is just manipulation.
The victim may believe that they can’t change their present, that their future will be miserable, and that they can’t do any better than the abuser. They may be convinced that no one will help them and that they’ll find themselves alone. And some people get so comfortable in their own miserable situations that they simply cannot envision anything better.
2. You find satisfaction in a bad situation.
People go through a lot of struggles in life. Sometimes those struggles will harm us in a way that causes us to function differently than an emotionally healthy person would.
For example, a person who was neglected by their parents may find themselves attracted to other people who are emotionally unavailable. And when they can curry favor with that unavailable person, it fulfills some part of them that is still yearning to be accepted and loved by their parents.
Does that make for a healthy relationship, though? Well, no. It doesn’t. That creates a dynamic where the emotionally unavailable person has the most control over the relationship. The person who cares the least typically does have the most power in the relationship. After all, if the other person doesn’t actually care about your needs, they don’t need to inconvenience themselves with the heavy emotional lifting that is sometimes required in a relationship.
The same is true for emotionally volatile relationships. Some people crave the excitement and passion that comes with the make-up-break-up cycle. The anger and conflict tell them that the other person cares about them. Making up later brings more passion and brilliant feelings, though they aren’t healthy.
3. The sunk-cost fallacy.
The sunk-cost fallacy is a common problem that people face. They have difficulty letting go of a negative thing because they’ve invested a lot into it. That may be a business owner bleeding money for months and refusing to call it quits. It could be a person clinging to an unhealthy relationship that no longer adds anything positive to their life. It might be not looking for a new job because you’ve been there for 10 years and don’t want to go, even though the environment is unhealthy for you.
“But I’ve put so much into this!”
That may very well be true. But as previously pointed out, everything changes. What once was a good idea or environment may no longer be right for you.
It may be a matter of not accepting the present for what it is and continuing to hope that things will change in the future. The problem is that they may very well change in the future, though it may not be for the better. But what if it is? What if I quit too soon, and things could turn around tomorrow?
4. You can’t admit when you’re wrong.
One of the hardest things you can do is admit that you’re wrong. Some people just can’t bring themselves to do it. They cling to their past decisions and circumstances because they can’t admit that they made a wrong choice. People usually don’t start off that way. Often, they have been taught to not admit they’re wrong under the pain of punishment.
It might be surviving child abuse where they were punished harshly for telling the truth. They may have experienced domestic violence where their abuser hurt them for expressing their genuine feelings or wrongs.
Shame can play a role. The person may feel like they can’t admit that they were wrong because it somehow reflects on their character. And while you may certainly be judged for your choices, because that’s how people are, you can always choose whether or not to listen to that person. How many people throw stones when they don’t have their own life in order? So sometimes you just have to decide to not listen to people.
5. You romanticize the past.
Romanticizing the past is a difficult problem for many. As a result, people tend to completely overlook all of the negative circumstances that occurred in the past. Instead, they focus on the positive things because those are the things that appealed to them, fulfilled them, or confirmed their own biases about life.
This is just as true with the general public as with the individual. A person may go in and out of relationships with an ex because the sex was just so good! When it was good, it was great! But let’s not think about arguing for days on end, destroying each other’s belongings, days of the silent treatment, and all of the other little things that go along with a toxic relationship. But still, when it was good, it was really good.
And unless you really have your eyes open and look at the situation for what it is, you may be dwelling too much on the positive circumstances and not the negative. The best approach, of course, is balance. It’s okay to acknowledge that some things were great. But you can’t ignore the negative in favor of only the positive. That’s how you fall back into unhealthy, negative cycles that can implode your life.
6. A lack of closure.
Sometimes we can’t let go of the past because we can’t find closure for our experience.
For example, let’s say you have a romantic partner that ghosted you. That can be incredibly hurtful because it provides no real answers to why the person left. Anyone may find themselves constantly dwelling on why that person disappeared. They may stay focused on the relationship, picking apart every detail to figure out where it all went wrong. They lack closure, so they can’t let go.
Closure plays such an important role in the healing process. But unfortunately, life isn’t a clear-cut narrative where all the plots will be neatly wrapped up. We’re not living a story. No, life is far more chaotic. You will have times when you don’t receive closure. Sometimes terrible things just happen, and that’s the way it is. It’s not personal.
7. You believe that your past defines you.
People often attribute their past decisions, experiences, and relationships to who they are in the present. Unfortunately, these self-limiting beliefs can lock you into a perpetual state of living in the past rather than facilitating your present growth.
The person who tells themselves, “I’m a hard worker. I’ve always been a hard worker. I’ll always be a hard worker.” will have difficulty adjusting should they be struck by an illness that doesn’t allow them to work as hard. This is because they’ve associated their self-worth with their ability to be productive. They will likely miss the past version of who they are.
And then there is an opposite to that. “I’m a garbage person that no one will ever love.” Well, that kind of thing becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That person will spend their time looking back on their past relationships, focusing on those negatives, and continue to convince themselves that they are an unlovable, bad person because of it. They’ve determined that their past of bad relationships is a statement of who they are.
But that simply isn’t true. It’s not true because those beliefs can be changed.
Making peace with your past…
It’s hard to let go of the past when you place great importance on it. The fact of the matter is that the past was here, and now it’s gone. You can’t go back to it, whatever it is. Even if you replicate the situation you were in, the circumstances and your life situation will automatically make it different from what it was.
Instead of dwelling on the past, think about how you can better your present which will improve your future. That may require adjusting your expectations, finding new ways to look at the world, or some time with a therapist to accomplish.
But you can accomplish it. There’s a whole lot of life to experience in the present. You’ll miss it if you spend your life looking over your shoulder.
