How To Not Lose Yourself In A Relationship: 11 Effective Tips

It can be easy to lose yourself in a relationship.

A couple standing close together outdoors. The woman is smiling and looking at the camera, while the man is slightly turned toward her. They are in a sunny, natural setting with soft, blurred background.

Relationships are great, but it’s easy to start feeling lost in it all. Being part of a couple can make you forget who you are as an individual.

While you are someone’s partner, you are also much more than that. Other aspects of your life shouldn’t be neglected when you are in a relationship.

Focusing on yourself doesn’t make you selfish. As long as you communicate with your partner about your needs, they should be able to respect your need for time away from them.

Here are some things that you could do to focus on yourself while in a relationship.

1. Spend enough time alone.

A person wearing headphones relaxes on a gray sofa, smiling with eyes closed and hands behind their head. They are dressed in a gray sweater and jeans. A plant and a window with blinds are visible in the background.

There’s no right or wrong amount of alone time that you should have in a relationship. It all comes down to how much you feel you need.

Let your partner in on what exactly you’ll be doing during your time away from them. They should respect your need for alone time, but keep them in the loop and don’t neglect to spend time with them either.

When you’d rather be alone and do your thing, don’t make it sound like you’re not happy in the relationship. Reassure your partner that you still enjoy spending time with them. You just have your own needs that you need to take care of.

Give your partner as much alone time as they need too. A certain level of independence is desirable in a relationship. You can both have your own passions and dedicate as much time to them as you’d like.

2. Nurture your friendships.

Three men are in a gym. One is wearing boxing gloves and a sleeveless shirt; the other two are casually dressed. They are standing near workout equipment and appear to be having a friendly conversation.

People often neglect their friendships when they get into a new relationship. When the initial excitement wears off, however, you might miss hanging out with your friends.

Reconnect with them and spend time together. Nurture your friendships when you’re in a relationship.

Go out with your friends and do some of the things that you used to do when you were single. Maybe you don’t have as much time for your friends as you used to, but you can still make some time.

Make sure that these are your friends from before your relationship, not the friends you and your partner hang out with together.

3. Try new things.

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Trying new things is always a good idea. Take a class and learn something new, or try a new meal in a restaurant. Paint, write, try gardening or cook a new meal. Go to new places and meet new people.

Do something differently every day. Go to a different grocery store or take a different route when you’re going home from work. Learn a new language or play an instrument. Change the furniture in your home and redecorate your office.

Make sure to keep exploring and widening your horizons. Befriend a variety of different people because you can learn something from everyone. Watch a different genre of movie than you usually do, read a book, or discover new music.

Focus on yourself by learning and experiencing something new every day.

4. Set goals.

A woman with her hair in a bun sits at a desk, writing in a notebook. She wears a white blouse and appears focused. The desk is decorated with a vase, a cup, and some pinned notes on a board. The background includes a large window and a hanging light bulb.

Every couple has relationship goals, whether it’s to move in together or grow old together. You will plan your future with your partner, and that’s great!

However, remind yourself of your personal goals too. They might not be the same as they were before you were in a relationship. But, think about whether there are some goals from back then that you still want to pursue. Consider what new goals you need right now too.

Set goals that are unrelated to your relationship and strive to achieve them. Maybe you want to start your own business, lose weight, or quit smoking.

Set short-term and long-term goals and break them down into steps that you need to take to accomplish them. You can get closer to your goals every day by taking a small step toward the future that you want.

Maybe you want to be your partner’s spouse and/or a parent. But what else do you want that has nothing to do with your love life?

5. Spend time on your hobbies.

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If you had a hobby before you were in a relationship, pick up where you left off. Or start a new hobby if you didn’t have one before.

It could be gardening, reading, cooking, or even playing video games. Take dancing lessons, acting classes, or make pottery. Start a collection and learn more about the things you’re passionate about. Make jewelry, soaps, or candles. Learn a new language or learn to code.

There’s an endless list of hobbies that you could try. Find your passion and dedicate some of your time to that passion.

You and your partner could have common interests that turn into hobbies. That’s okay, but you need to have something you do on your own too. It should be something you enjoy doing without your partner.

A hobby should make you feel fulfilled and happy. So, pick something that matches your interests.

6. Practice self-care and self-love.

A smiling woman with a green headband and a wristwatch holds a retro camera outdoors. She wears a yellow top and bracelets, and palm trees are blurred in the background.

Eating well, exercising, and repeating words of affirmation aren’t the only ways you can practice self-care and self-love.

Look around your home. If it’s not full of things that make you happy and represent good memories, haver a clear out and get rid of things that you don’t need.

Enjoy small moments of your day and make them more special. You could light a candle while you’re relaxing or play music while you’re in the shower.

Find a cause worth fighting for and try volunteering. Spend time in nature and take pictures. Adopt a pet or take care of a plant. Remind yourself to smile whenever you remember to.

Find more ways to express yourself, pamper yourself, and simply feel good about being you and being alive.

7. Focus on your career.

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Working toward a promotion or preparing for a new job opportunity are also ways you can focus on yourself.

If you like what you do for a living, find ways to become even better at it. If you don’t like your job, see if there’s a way you could get closer to your dream job. Maybe you could learn some new skills, and it could start as a hobby. Maybe you could even start your own business.

Don’t forget about your career when you’re in a relationship. Being successful at what you do can make you feel accomplished and fulfilled. Finding fulfillment outside of the relationship is good for you and the relationship.

Plus, it couldn’t hurt to be financially stable. Take care of your finances and try to save money.

8. Work on improving yourself.

A person with short, light-colored hair is seated and reading a book against a light brick wall. They are wearing a white shirt and appear to be focused on the book.

Would you like to be more independent, positive, and confident? You can be! It just takes some time and effort.

People are supposed to change and grow, but they only do when they work on themselves.

In a healthy relationship, you are going to grow together as a couple, but you’ll grow as individuals as well. Keep improving. If there is anything that you don’t like about yourself or think could be better, work on it.

If your relationship is healthy, it should even inspire and nurture your growth. Your partner should support you in becoming the best version of yourself.

Read articles and self-help books and implement the things you learn about. Talk to a therapist if you need extra help in becoming the person you want to be. You can do it; it will just take some time and effort.

9. Meet new people.

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You don’t have to be close friends with everyone, and sometimes just interacting with new people feels good. Smile to a passerby and be kind to the clerk at the store. Help an older person cross the street and wish your neighbor a good day. Keep interacting with people and meeting new ones when you’re in a relationship.

When two people fall in love, they can focus so much on each other that they become isolated from the rest of the world. You’re not searching for a new partner, but that doesn’t mean that you should stop meeting new people. Go out and have fun with your friends, you might find new friends too.

10. Take breaks.

A smiling woman in a pink and blue plaid shirt is sitting on a pebble beach, holding a happy golden retriever. The sea and rocky outcrops are visible in the background.

It’s okay to take a break – from work, from your partner, from everyday life…

When you need to take a break, ask for one and have one. Do something relaxing that will allow you to feel re-energized.

You could take a nap, drink tea, listen to music, read a book, or watch your favorite TV show. Play with your pet if you have one. Take breaks to just enjoy the day and feel rested. Have a spa day at home or go get a massage. Pamper yourself a bit and take things slow.

You might be tempted to spend most of your time with your partner, but you need to take a break from them sometimes too. Let them know about your needs and ask for some time to just take care of yourself.

As long as you don’t make it sound like you want to break up with them, they won’t mind giving you a few hours or days to just do your thing.

11. Learn to say no.

A man and a woman sit on a kitchen counter, both holding coffee mugs. The man has a beard and a bun, wearing a denim shirt, and the woman has long hair, wearing a white sweater. They are engaged in conversation with a warmly lit, rustic kitchen in the background.

Set boundaries and learn to say no to people. It’s okay to be firm and a little selfish, but stay courteous and assertive.

People who don’t know how to say no often find themselves overwhelmed with the number of things they need to do for other people. You are allowed to reject giving favors that would leave you burnt out.

If you don’t feel like hanging out with your friends, family, or even your partner, it’s okay to say no. Don’t feel guilty about being selfish sometimes. You have to think of yourself and take care of your needs before you can focus on those of other people.