10 Tips For Dealing With An Emotionally Unavailable Man

Can You Make It Work?

A woman with long blonde hair, wearing a pink shirt, sits on a couch holding her head in her hand, looking stressed. In the background, a man in a white shirt sits with his arms crossed, looking away.

Loving an emotionally unavailable man can be a rollercoaster of hope and frustration. You see the potential for a deep connection, but his inability to open up leaves you feeling alone and confused.

While it’s challenging, it’s not impossible to navigate this complex relationship. With the right approach and mindset, you can learn to cope with his emotional distance and potentially help him break down his walls. Here are ten tips to help you thrive in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.

1. Recognize the signs.

An older couple sits on a blue couch in a bright room, both appearing upset. The woman in the foreground is looking down, with her hand on her cheek. The man in the background is turned away, looking out the window.

It sounds obvious, but one of the most important things you need to do when dealing with an emotionally unavailable man is to recognize that he is one.

Noticing the character traits of someone who is emotionally unavailable is the first step in finding ways to work through this in your relationship. You can’t overcome an issue if you don’t know there’s a problem, and it’s unlikely that your man will be able to recognize that he is emotionally unavailable himself.

Take note of the signs, if they dodge conversations about commitment, if they’re awkward around you when you’re emotional, if they’re distant and you can’t get hold of them. Recognizing the problem is halfway toward reaching a solution.

2. Be sensitive.

A man with gray hair and a beard looks stressed, resting his head on his hand. In the blurred background, a woman with long brown hair appears concerned, sitting with her arms crossed. They are indoors on a couch.

As frustrating as your partner’s lack of emotional engagement might be, try to be sensitive to what could have made him this way.

We already know that there can be any number of reasons why a person is emotionally unavailable, many of which could have been out of your man’s control.

He could have been actively discouraged from showing his emotions growing up, or had difficult past experiences that have caused him to shut himself off. These behaviors are deep-rooted and can be hard to unlearn.

Alternatively, something upsetting in his past may have been a catalyst to his emotional avoidance. He could still be trying to come to terms with his emotions over something, and attacking him about his behavior will only push him further away and make it harder to build trust between you.

You may not know the reason behind his lack of emotional availability, but keep in mind that it could stem from something he’s not ready to face and be painful for him to revisit.

Be sensitive, and if you feel out of your depth, suggest he tries counseling or talking to someone to move past whatever is holding him back.

3. Have patience.

A young woman with long brown hair, wearing a green jacket, embraces a man with short hair and a beard, who is dressed in a gray sweater. They stand outdoors with greenery in the background, both appearing content and close.

Above all else, what you need to deal with an emotionally unavailable man is a lot of patience.

He will frustrate you with his inability to emotionally connect, and it can be difficult to see how your relationship can move forward because of this.

If you really want to make things work between you, then you’re going to have to appreciate that his behavior will not change overnight. When he’s this opposed to sharing and engaging with emotions, his behavior will take time to unpick, and progress will be made in baby steps, not giant leaps.

You’ll have to learn how best to speak to him and get his attention without him switching off from serious conversations. Try not to take it personally if he’s non-committal at first and refuses to share intimate details about himself in the same way you’re willing to.

It will take a lot of effort from both sides to keep the relationship positive and balanced, so be prepared to work for it and give it time if this relationship is something you want.

4. Don’t question your own emotions.

A woman with grey hair looks away with a serious expression, sitting on a couch. In the background, a man with grey hair and wearing a checkered shirt gestures with his hand as he talks, appearing frustrated. The setting is a well-lit living room.

When someone is emotionally unavailable, their response to your emotions might be to call them over the top or invalid. Their inability to connect with you and their obvious disinterest can end up making any thoughts and feelings you share sound small and unimportant.

Whatever you are feeling is valid, even if your man doesn’t understand it. His inability to understand your emotions is his issue, not yours.

Don’t let his emotional unavailability start making you question your own willingness to share and connect with people. Just being in a relationship with a man like this can itself be emotional and difficult to manage!

If he can’t be there to give you the emotional understanding and interaction you need, make sure you have a friend, family member, or even therapist, who you can share your feelings with.

Don’t allow yourself to be diminished because of someone else’s lack of understanding, and make sure you have the support network around you to remind you of that if things get tough.

5. Recognize if he’s willing to change.

A man and a woman sit back-to-back on grass near a body of water. The man appears upset, staring into the distance, while the woman looks distressed, resting her head on her hand. They both wear casual clothes, including shorts and short-sleeve tops.

One of the most important steps if you genuinely want to have a relationship with this man is to work out if they are willing to work on reconnecting with their emotions.

For them to want to work on themselves, they have to first recognize that there is a problem with their behavior. You can tell them that there is, but unless they fully believe it, they won’t see that there is anything wrong with how they are.

If your man doesn’t see a problem with his lack of emotional connection, then you’re fighting a losing battle. People only change if they want to, and it’s better that you find someone who gives you what you need in a relationship rather than trying to change this man into something he’s not.

6. Understand that he’s not your responsibility.

A woman with blonde hair and a man with dark hair lie next to each other on a fuzzy gray surface, gazing upwards. The woman is slightly smiling while gently touching the man's head, and both appear relaxed and content.

He is a grown man, and as such, should be able to look after himself. There might be times where you can see that he’s struggling to cope with or express his emotions, but it’s not your responsibility to shoulder this emotional baggage for him.

Even if you think that he needs to talk about something or isn’t coping well, you can’t push him into opening up and sharing his feelings if he doesn’t want to.

Don’t add to your own stress by making his emotional unavailability your responsibility to fix. He will work on himself when he is ready, not when you tell him to. And if he doesn’t want to, that’s his choice.

7. Be honest about what you need from a relationship.

A woman with long brown hair wearing a light blue top is talking to a man with short hair and a beard, who is facing away from the camera. They are sitting outdoors, and the background is a blurred view of greenery and buildings.

You need to be honest with yourself just as much as you’re honest with him.

It’s okay if he’s not on your level of emotional understanding, but he needs to know what it is you require from him to be happy and secure in your relationship.

It might be that physical affection is important to you, or regular time together by yourselves. It could be that you expect him to listen to and engage with a conversation about your day. Whatever it is that you need in order to know that he is there for you and cares, you need to make this known to him.

He may not be ready to have deep, emotional chats with you just yet, but if he does care and hears that these particular elements of a relationship are important to you, he might be willing to do these things to make you happy even if they don’t come naturally to him.

However, if you keep expecting more from an emotionally unavailable man, but aren’t communicating it to him, you’re going to be disappointed.

Equally, if you know that you need someone who is already willing to share and connect with you, then you have to be honest with yourself that being with an emotionally unavailable man is not the best match for you, however much you want it to be.

8. Be prepared to walk away.

A woman with curly hair looks concerned while sitting on a couch, resting her chin on her hand. A man sits next to her with his arms crossed, looking away. Both appear to be deep in thought.

It takes a lot to be with someone who is emotionally closed off, and you have to have the strength of mind to not take his unwillingness to connect personally.

You might find a way to make a relationship work with this man and find a happy compromise between both of your expectations. But it’s not surprising if you struggle with your incompatibility and feel let down by his lack of visible commitment.

To be with someone who is emotionally unavailable will take constant work and a strong network of support on your side for those times when you need to vent. You’ll also need a man who is willing to work at being there for you emotionally in whatever way he’s able to, even when it makes him uncomfortable.

When a man doesn’t see an issue with his behavior and isn’t willing to work on strengthening your relationship by listening to what you need, then you have to be prepared to walk away from him.

Staying in an uncompromising relationship where you’re not getting the support you need from a partner can become toxic. It can start chipping away at your own confidence and affect your mental health.

However much you want things to work, if he isn’t willing to try to be more open with you, then it’s better for both of you if you find the strength to walk away and allow each other to find people you’re more compatible with.

9. Check your expectations.

A man in a rust-colored jacket sits on the floor with a solemn expression, leaning against a bed. In the background, a woman in a tan sweater sits on the bed, looking at him with concern. The room has wooden floors, light curtains, and a plant in the corner.

When dealing with an emotionally unavailable man, you have to be realistic in your expectations.

You might tell yourself you know what to expect from him, but do you really?

When it comes to the natural time to have the ‘where is this going’ conversation, are you still waiting around for him to make the first move? Are you secretly hoping that he’ll start being more thoughtful or affectionate just because you’ve been together for a while?

Even if he has started to address his issues and is working on being more open with his feelings, you can’t expect the change to happen in a day.

You’ll need to lower your expectations of what you consider ’emotionally open’ and remember that this is someone who struggles with trust and vulnerability.

Celebrate the small wins when they happen, and don’t put pressure on him. Even the smallest changes in his behavior might be a big step for him, so appreciate what he’s doing and hope that it leads to more breakthroughs.

10. Try couples counseling.

Three people are engaged in a serious conversation. A man with a trimmed beard wearing a light blue sweater holds hands with a woman in a gray sweater and glasses, making eye contact. Another man in a gray shirt is sitting in the background, attentively watching.

We aren’t trained to deal with bumps in our relationship, and can often handle them badly. But there are people out there who can offer professional help.

Miscommunication is the most common root of problems in a relationship, and when two people both have strong, opposing viewpoints, it can be difficult to get through to each other.

By talking to an impartial third party, your man might feel safer in expressing some of what he feels. A counselor might at least recognize some of the behavior typical of an emotionally unavailable man in your partner and suggest ways to help build more trust and openness between you.

It’s okay to ask for help. It shows a willingness to make your relationship a success. You don’t have to struggle through difficult times alone, and a counselor’s training could give you the practical steps you need to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.