Need proof that they love the kids more?
Have you often wondered whether your partner loves you as much as they adore your children, or whether they just see you as the incubator and caregiver for their offspring? If they regularly exhibit the following 12 signs, they may very well love your kids more than they love you.
1. They’ll prioritize conversation with the child over you.
If you and your child both ask a question at the same time, your partner will answer them before they answer you, every time. Similarly, if you’re engaged in conversation and the little one walks in, they’ll immediately stop paying attention to you and redirect all their focus to the child instead.
2. Your kids get tons of holiday or birthday gifts, and you don’t.
During winter holidays or on birthdays, your kids will have tons of presents, overflowing stockings, fancy sweets, and other lovely things to enjoy. In contrast, you might get a robe, or some socks, or a gift certificate to a shop you don’t actually care about so you can get yourself something.
3. They have double standards about enforcing or defending boundaries with the kids.
If you’ve told the kids that they aren’t allowed to go into your dresser drawers, your partner won’t defend that boundary and might even tell you that you’re being ridiculous. In contrast, when they tell the kids that they aren’t allowed into their closet or drawer, that rule is sacrosanct.
4. In a hypothetical “whom would you save?” situation, they’d instantly choose the kids over you.
Most people say that they would choose to save their child over their spouse in a scenario like this, but that it would be a terrible choice to make. If, however, your partner immediately responds that they’d save the kids, and doesn’t express any sorrow about that choice, that says a lot.
5. They undermine your parental authority.
You may have grounded one of the kids for doing something awful, and your partner will dismiss your punishment and let them do whatever they want. Similarly, you might forbid the kids from doing something potentially damaging, but come home to find them doing exactly that because your partner gave them permission.
6. Your children’s preferences and choices supersede yours.
You might have had plain cheese pizza for every family movie night for the past year, but you don’t have a say regarding different options because that’s what the kids want to have. The same goes for vacations, pets, and so on. Your input is unwelcome and bears no weight.
7. Intimacy is always set aside if the children want attention.
This is different from fundamental needs that require parental responsibility and caregiving, i.e. baby care, during illness, and so on. If, however, the eight-year-old consistently insists upon reading another chapter when you have date evenings planned, and they get their way each and every time, that’s a choice your partner has made.
8. They attend events with the kids, but not you.
Your partner might let you know that they’re taking the kids to visit the grandparents on the weekend, but don’t worry—they can go on their own. Or maybe you come home from running household errands to find out that they’ve all gone to the zoo and didn’t invite you along.
9. The children’s needs and wants are the family focus.
…whereas your needs and wants are a perpetual source of conflict. For example, if the kids want money for various interests, hobbies, items, and so on, they’re happy to dole it out, but if you’d like funding for something important, it’s a point of contention and argument that you “don’t really need it”.
10. They have flat-out told you that you aren’t as important as the children.
Many people choose to ignore raging red flag behavior because it hurts too much to acknowledge and accept it. Has your partner ever let you know in no uncertain terms that their kids are higher up the totem pole to them than you are? Then listen to that, because they mean it.
11. Their will leaves everything to the children and little to you.
Someone who loves their partner as much as their kids will ensure that they’re well taken care of when they die. In contrast, if your partner has left pretty much everything to the kids, with little if anything to you, do they really care about you and your future wellbeing?
12. They refer to you as “my kids’ parent”, rather than “my partner” or “my spouse”.
Sadly, many people see their partners as the means by which they attain children, whether it’s as an incubator or a sperm donor. If your partner refers to you as “my kids’ mom/dad”, rather than introducing you as their spouse, you know they love those children more than they love you.