Couples who end up codependent make these 9 foolish mistakes

Codependency is never a good thing.

A couple stands close to each other, gently touching foreheads. They are outdoors on a sunny day, surrounded by trees and a blurred background. Both are smiling softly, with affectionate expressions.

Your happiness should never be entirely dependent on just one other person. And you should never be entirely responsible for making someone else happy. That’s far too much pressure for anyone to handle and isn’t sustainable in the long term.

Codependency is often a slippery slope that you don’t even realize is happening. It may start out with some seemingly innocent behaviors, but they quickly escalate out of control. And if you want your relationship to thrive long in the long term, codependency is your enemy.

Here are 9 behaviors you need to look out for.

1. Neglecting relationships with family and friends.

Two men sitting on a sandy beach, each holding a beer bottle. They are engaged in a lively conversation, with the man on the right gesturing animatedly. Both are casually dressed in layered clothing. The sea is visible in the background under a clear blue sky.

If you and your partner have a codependent vibe going on, chances are that you’ve distanced yourself from some of the other people in your life.

You probably don’t spend as much quality time with your friends or your family as you did before the relationship began.

If you don’t want this to get out of control, it’s important to start prioritizing the other relationships in your life more than you currently do.

By nurturing your bonds with the other people in your lives, you develop a stronger support network and you aren’t the sole focus of each other’s lives.

2. Not making your own decisions.

A smiling woman with long blonde hair holds up blue clothing to a man with glasses and short brown hair. They appear to be in a clothing store, surrounded by racks of colorful clothes. The man is wearing a brown jacket and looking at the woman attentively.

When you’re in a committed relationship, certain big decisions that affect you both should always be taken together. But that doesn’t mean you should completely disregard your own wants and needs in favor of your partner’s.

It’s important for you to maintain some agency and control over the way your own life unfolds.

If you’re used to deferring all your decisions to your partner, you’re becoming codependent. This might be things as simple as what to wear or what to have for dinner, as well as more substantial decisions.

3. Avoiding standing up for what you want and need.

A man with curly hair sits at a dining table eating a salad, while a woman in the background stands by the kitchen sink holding a plate. The table also has a pitcher of orange juice, a glass of juice, and a vase with pink tulips.

Going hand in hand with making your own decisions is assertiveness.

If you’ve made a decision that might go against what your partner would want, can you tell them that?

Be honest with yourself. If you don’t actually want to go out when they’ve suggested it, or you don’t want to eat what they are suggesting, but you do anyway, you’re on the road to codependency.

4. Forgetting how to self-soothe.

A close-up of two people sitting on a couch holding hands. One person wears a long-sleeved striped shirt and jeans, and the other wears a light jacket and jeans. They are sitting closely together, providing support and comfort to each other.

It might seem like your partner is the only one who can help you when you’re in a tough spot emotionally. But it’s not their job to prop you up.

Whilst it’s lovely to know you have someone there for you when you need them, you do also need to be able to put out your own fires and get your own ducks back in a row.

You need to know how to deal with your own emotional storms, without it being anyone else’s job to calm you down. If you can’t do this, you’re at risk of becoming codependent.

Much as it might seem like the two of you are forever, you never know what might happen.

It’s important to have the tools in place that mean you could deal with your feelings should you ever break up.

5. Expecting your partner to be everything to you.

A man and a woman are standing in a bowling alley, each holding a bowling ball. The man is holding a black ball, and the woman is holding a red one. They appear to be conversing. Bowling pins and balls are visible in the foreground, and a beer bottle is on the table.

We’re all different, and two people in a relationship aren’t always going to have exactly the same tastes or wants.

That’s okay.

If you’re forcing your partner to do things with you that they don’t enjoy – or you’re giving them up – you’re on the path to codependence.

Whilst it’s wonderful for your partner to be your best friend in many ways, you shouldn’t expect them to entirely fill that best friend role. That’s what your friends are for!

The more you can create a life outside of the relationship, the more comfortable you’ll feel.

6. Losing sight of your own dreams.

A couple sits on a sofa, engaged in an intense discussion. The woman holds papers, while the man gestures with his hands. Sunlight filters through the window blinds behind them, illuminating the scene.

It’s a beautiful thing to build a life with a partner and strive for common goals, but if you lose sight of your own dreams, that’s a red flag.

And it’s something you may well come to regret.

There’s always going to be a certain amount of compromise involved, but in a healthy relationship you should both be compromising equally.

7. No longer doing things you used to love.

A happy couple sits at a dining table decorated with lit candles and a variety of foods, including bread, salad, and fruits. The woman, smiling, reaches across the table to touch the man's cheek, creating a warm and intimate ambiance in a cozy kitchen setting.

Are there certain things that you loved doing before you got into this relationship, that you find you aren’t doing any more and you miss?

For example, giving up your beloved morning gym session, or eating meat when you’re a vegetarian at heart.

It’s natural that we all grow and change, but if you’re no longer doing the things that made you you, that’s a worry.

8. Not spending enough time apart.

A woman with blonde hair wearing a striped shirt is pouring milk into a bowl while sitting at a table. Next to her, a man with dark hair wearing a light blue shirt is smiling and holding toast over a plate of jam. They are having breakfast together.

People in codependent relationships often end up spending practically all their spare time together, especially if they live together.

Whether it’s a longer time apart or even just an evening out with friends, it’s important for you both to spend time doing things separately and preserving your individual identities. If you’re not doing this, you’re already on a slippery slope.

Don’t be afraid of taking however long you need for yourself. If the relationship is right, they’ll be right there waiting for you when you get back.

9. Forgetting to love yourself above all else.

You shouldn’t be relying on anyone else to show you the love you deserve. If you are, you’ve got a problem.

You should be able to treat yourself. You don’t have to wait for another person to do it for you.

You need to know deep down that should things not pan out the way you’d envisaged in your relationship, you’ll be just fine. If you don’t know this to be true, you’ve already become codependent.