People who didn’t feel truly loved as children experience these 12 struggles as adults

These struggles come about due to a lack of love in childhood.

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While some people received plenty of love and care as children, others were not so fortunate. Those whose parents were aloof, absent, or even abusive suffered many detriments to their development, and many experience the following struggles in adulthood.

1. Difficulty cultivating loving relationships.

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People tend to mirror what they observe, and if someone grew up in a household where very little love was given (or received), then they didn’t have any examples of healthy, loving partnerships. As such, they may not know how to go about cultivating them, nor how to maintain them once established.

2. A low sense of self-esteem.

A young woman with short blonde hair and a burgundy top gazes out of a window with a contemplative expression. The background shows a blurred view of greenery and a balcony railing.

Many people who didn’t feel loved as children feel as though the lack of affection was their own fault—that if they’d been better, smarter, better looking, and so on, then they would have been worthy of their parents’ love. As adults, they don’t believe they’re worthy of love at all.

3. Anxiety disorders.

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Children who receive loving care and reassurance from their parents generally grow up feeling secure and grounded. In contrast, people who didn’t feel truly loved as children never developed a sense of personal security. This can lead to intense anxiety in adulthood, and is often accompanied by unhealthy attachment issues.

4. Difficulty regulating emotions.

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If love and affection were absent when someone was a child, they may have had to rely on themselves for self-soothing and reassurance. They weren’t taught emotional regulation or management, and as a result, may exhibit wildly intense and inappropriate emotional responses in adulthood, such as tantrums, rage, or hysteria.

5. Lack of trust, especially in accepting affection.

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When and if those who didn’t receive enough love in their youth find friends or partners who love them dearly, they may have difficulty accepting the truth of their affection. They’ll look for ulterior motives like the possibility of manipulation, and pull away from those who love them the most.

6. Strict boundaries.

A woman with dark hair and a green sweater stands against a yellow background, holding up her hands in a "stop" gesture. She has a serious expression on her face.

Those who felt unloved as children often put up very strict, boundaried walls as a means of self-preservation. Essentially, if they don’t allow people to get close, they won’t get a chance to hurt them. They may also cut people out of their lives quickly if boundaries are overstepped, even accidentally.

7. Rejection sensitivity.

A woman with a thoughtful expression rests her chin on her hands, while a man sitting next to her leans his head on her shoulder and places his hand on her upper arm. They appear to be in a comforting and supportive moment.

Some are so afraid of repeating the lack of love they received as children that they’ll do everything they can to avoid being rejected. They might become extremely people-pleasing, or run away from any situation that may result in them not being accepted or cared about.

8. Remote or aloof outlook on life.

A man with a contemplative expression looks upward. He has short dark hair and a stubbly beard, and is wearing a brown shirt. The background is neutral and blurred, focusing attention on his face. The lighting is soft, casting gentle shadows.

They don’t allow themselves to feel much, since they learned that having emotions will inevitably result in pain. As such, they tamp down all their emotions and don’t allow themselves to feel much of anything at all. Essentially, they’re emotionally disassociating from everything but survival and shallow entertainment.

9. Unwillingness to let go of dominance or control in relationships.

A woman with striking eye makeup and intense gaze holds onto a man's arm draped over her shoulders. The man, partially visible, looks towards her with a soft expression. Both are in a darkly lit setting, creating a dramatic mood.

Many people who didn’t get their emotional needs met in childhood end up as adults who feel a need to control others for the sake of their own perceived survival. Instead of having healthy, reciprocal relationships, they demand that partnerships exist on their own terms in order to feel safe and secure.

10. Repeating past traumatic situations or relationships because they’re comfortable and familiar.

A woman with blond hair sits on a couch looking upset, her back turned to a man with dark hair who is seated on an adjacent couch, appearing frustrated with his arm outstretched. The background includes a white wall with a painting.

For many people who didn’t feel loved as children, the quote “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” determines most of their relationships. They seek out relationships that mirror what they experienced in their youth because they know how to navigate them, rather than risking potential pain in unfamiliar waters.

11. Fear of failure.

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Since they didn’t have loving support or guidance in their formative years, they had to make decisions for themselves—many of which may have included learning the hard way about what not to do. This can lead to a paralyzing fear of failure due to past mistakes.

12. Extreme self-reliance.

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Those who didn’t receive loving care and support in their youth learned early that they could only depend on themselves. As a result, they may have become extraordinarily self-sufficient with a wide variety of skills. While this may sound positive, it actually means that they can’t delegate or lean on others when needed: they don’t believe they’ll show up to help them.