12 Overlooked Signs Your Partner Is Trying To Change You

Is your partner trying to change you?

A young man and woman stand close together by a stone wall. The man, wearing a patterned shirt, has his arm around the woman, who is dressed in a striped top and a black hat. They both have a serious expression.

We all have personal preferences, but that doesn’t mean anyone has the right to change another in order to suit their own tastes. If you’ve been wondering whether your partner is trying to change you into a version of yourself that they like better, look out for the following 12 signs.

1. They constantly talk about celebrities (or acquaintances) whom they find attractive.

A man and a woman sit across from each other at a cozy cafe table, holding hands. They have coffee cups in front of them and appear engaged in conversation. The background has shelves with books and framed photos.

Your partner might keep mentioning some celebrities or friends that they’re attracted to, and mention how you kind of remind them of those people. Then they’ll make subtle digs about the differences between you in the hope that you’ll change to be more like the people they admire.

2. They buy you things that they “think you’ll like” and act offended if you don’t wear or use them.

A smiling couple stands beside an open car trunk outside a modern building with reflective windows. The man, holding colorful shopping bags, looks at the woman, who has her hand on his arm. Both are casually dressed and seem to be enjoying their time together.

They might know full well that you dislike a particular style of clothing or a cologne/perfume scent, but they’ll buy it for you anyway because they think it’ll be amazing on you. Then they’ll get offended and guilt trip you about not appreciating them if you don’t wear it.

3. They “accidentally” sabotage your possessions or appearance.

A couple gazes into each other's eyes with intense emotion. The man with long hair holds the woman's face tenderly. The woman has short blonde hair and bright red lipstick. They are standing outdoors, with blurred greenery and water in the background.

Oops, they threw out your favorite pants by mistake, or spilled something so horrible on your old, ugly couch that you’ll just have to replace it. They might also “accidentally” cut your hair while trimming off some split ends for you so you have no choice but to style it differently.

4. They reward you when you do what they want, rather than what you like.

A couple embraces, smiling and touching foreheads. The man wears a black jacket, and the woman is in a gray sweater. They are outdoors, surrounded by blurred greenery and sunlight, creating a warm and intimate atmosphere.

They’ll be far more attentive and affectionate if you choose to do something that makes them happy instead of sticking to your own preferences. This could range from changing something about your personal habits to partaking in their personal entertainment preferences so you can understand what they’re on about.

5. They get controlling about the media you consume.

A woman and a man are sitting on a couch, both holding red mugs. The woman, on the left, is pointing a remote control towards the TV. Both appear to be watching something on the TV. A clock and some home decor are visible in the background.

They might not forcibly change the channel if you’re watching something, but they’ll find ways to coerce you into watching something different. Similarly, they might play music they like before you put your favorite tunes on, or try to shame you into watching TV instead of gaming or reading.

6. They’re subtly critical about the way you do various things.

A couple sits close together on a couch, gazing into each other's eyes with gentle smiles. The woman has dark hair tied back and wears a yellow sweater. The man with a beard and glasses wears a red sweater, and his arm rests around the woman's shoulders.

Just because they do things differently doesn’t mean they do them “better”, but they’ll act as though that’s the case with subtle criticisms. They might get condescending about how cutely you chop your vegetables, or insist that they let you “show you how” to do something “the right way”.

7. They speak fondly of past partners’ behaviors and suggest that you act more like they did.

A couple walks hand-in-hand on a bridge at night. The woman wears a light-colored trench coat, while the man wears dark clothing and carries a backpack. The bridge is adorned with ornate railings and illuminated by soft lighting. A blurred cityscape is visible in the background.

They might say that they’re happy with you, but keep mentioning a specific thing that their super-attractive and amazing ex used to do, and how much they appreciated that behavior. They’ll keep mentioning it in the hope that you’d adopt that same trait, even if you detest it personally.

8. They try to make you do (or stop doing things) under the guise of “helping” or “looking out for you”.

A woman and a man are sitting at a cafe table with cups of coffee and a dessert. The woman looks concerned, resting her chin on her hand, while the man is talking and gesturing with his hands. The background features warm, hanging lights and wooden decor.

One of the most obnoxious things a person can do is to try to change another with the implication that they’re “helping”. This might involve swapping out your coffee cream for oat milk because it’s “healthier”, or suggesting that you stop hanging out with a friend because they’re “a bad influence”.

9. They imply that things that you like are “common” or “trashy”.

A woman with short red hair and a man with short brown hair sit in bed under white blankets, facing away from each other and looking upset. The woman sits with her arms crossed, while the man rests his arms on the bed. Both have neutral blue and white attire.

This is an incredibly common manipulation tactic: the implication that something they want to change about you is somehow “trashy”, hoping that association with a lower class will lessen your enthusiasm for it. They might even refuse to be seen in public with you if you wear something they consider “common”.

10. They ignore or punish you if you don’t make the changes they’ve requested.

A man and a woman sit on a couch in a living room, both looking towards the camera with serious expressions. The man wears a blue t-shirt and the woman wears a teal t-shirt. The room has white walls with shelves, a lamp, and a framed picture in the background.

If you don’t make the changes they’ve asked for (or demanded), then they might punish you by withholding affection, giving you the silent treatment, or even threatening to end the relationship—either overtly, or by talking about someone else they find attractive in an attempt to make you jealous.

11. They weaponize their frailties to forcibly change your behaviors (or appearance).

A woman and a man are sitting outdoors on a bench, engaged in a conversation. The woman is leaning forward with her arms resting on her knees, wearing a white sleeveless top and sunglasses on her head. The man in a white t-shirt is touching his forehead. Trees are in the background.

They might use neurodivergence or past trauma to change something about your body, such as saying that you need to shave all body hair so they don’t get “triggered” by the feel or sight of it, or change your hair color so it doesn’t remind them of an abusive ex, and so on.

12. They surprise you with things that they like, and it’ll really hurt their feelings if you don’t do the thing.

A couple walks hand in hand along a sandy beach, facing the ocean. The woman is wearing a wide-brimmed hat and a striped dress, while the man is dressed in a light blue shirt and dark shorts. Waves gently crash in the background under a clear blue sky.

They might put a ton of love and effort (and possibly money) into an experience that they’ve wanted to do but you’ve been clear about having no interest in. Then, if you don’t want to do it, you’re the jerk who didn’t value the labor they put into trying to make you happy.