How To Stop Oversharing To People Who Don't Need To Know Your Life Story

What’s wrong with oversharing?

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Different kinds of relationships can have different standards as it relates to oversharing. When you meet new people it can make them feel uncomfortable because they may not want to share similar information with you, which may derail the friendship before it’s even had a chance to start.

Oversharing can also harm established relationships because it may feel like you’re putting too much on the other person to handle. They don’t need to know every struggle or problem you’re dealing with, and they might not be able to cope with it.

Another huge concern of oversharing is safety. There are many not-so-good people out there. Oversharing can reveal weaknesses or vulnerabilities that an unkind person may try to exploit. You want to be selective about the information you share to keep yourself safe.

If you feel oversharing is interfering with your relationships, there are some techniques and strategies you can use to curb how much you share with your conversation partners. These tips will help you dial it back to have better conversations and hopefully forge stronger connections.

1. Don’t feel you need to change who you are, but do respect people’s boundaries.

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It’s important to note, that there will be plenty of people who find your open and honest manner refreshing and energizing. You don’t have to change who you are to fit society’s idea of how people should behave. The key is ensuring that your oversharing doesn’t put you at risk, or make others uncomfortable. It’s a balance of being your authentic self, whilst respecting other people’s personal boundaries.

So, whilst this article is about helping you to stop oversharing, if that’s your goal, we don’t believe you should try to be something you’re not. Perhaps consider reserving your open approach to communication for like-minded people who share your style, and who can be trusted with what you have to share. That way you can enjoy raw and meaningful connections with the people who understand and embrace you as you are, and crucially, you keep yourself safe too.

2. Prepare for the conversation ahead of time.

Two professionals, a man and a woman, engage in conversation in an office, standing in front of a wall covered with papers, charts, and post-it notes. The woman holds a coffee cup, while the man appears to be explaining something with a smile. Both are dressed in business attire.

One way to prevent oversharing is to prepare for the conversation ahead of time by thinking about appropriate subjects. For example, if you’re meeting a new person, you want to be able to have some low intensity things to discuss. So you can prepare questions to help them talk about themselves and have your own things to share to establish rapport.

Questions you can ask:

“What do you do for a living?”

“Are you passionate about anything?”

“What would you do if money was no object?”

Safe topics to talk about include:

Hobbies, activities you’re involved in, travel, work, and interests.

Asking questions about the other person is never a bad strategy either.

3. Limit your own time to share.

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It would be difficult to count seconds in your head when you’re trying to decide how long to share. A better choice is to limit yourself to a brief number of sentences. Two to four sentences are usually enough to acknowledge the other person’s statement and then make another of your own. You may need to practice this if you have problems cutting yourself off. Asking friends or family to practice with can help prep you for talking to new people.

4. Share jokes and positive anecdotes.

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The main problem with oversharing is that people don’t often overshare positive things. Instead, they overshare things that are too personal, private, or negative. To avoid that, find some jokes you like or think of positive anecdotes you can share before you get into conversations. Then, it’ll be a good idea to run some of those ideas past more socially adept people to let you know whether or not they’re appropriate. You may find that practicing with a mirror allows you to smooth out the wrinkles before practicing with people.

5. Change the subject to something lighter.

Consider the kind of conversation that you’re having. Is it light and fun, or is it more dark and serious? And is that type of conversation appropriate to the social interaction that you’re having?

Have a couple of prepared lighter subjects that you can pivot to if you find yourself in the depths of a conversation that you shouldn’t be in. You can use some simple phrases like:

“Enough about me. Tell me what you’ve been up to!”

“Oh man, did you see X game the other day?”

“Any big plans coming up?”

“Doing anything this weekend?”

This may seem like an uninteresting question, but remember, you’re trying to change the tone of the conversation so you can get to something different.

6. Learn to be comfortable in silence.

Three women are sitting at a table in a café, engaged in conversation. Two of them are listening intently to the third, who is speaking with expressive hand gestures. There are coffee cups and saucers on the table, with a mural of flowing shapes in the background.

Socially savvy people often use silence to get the other person talking. This is a common tactic that most people use, from mental health professionals to car salespeople. The idea itself is called the “pregnant pause,” that is, there is something contained that they are waiting to expose itself.

Nervous and anxious people often need to fill that silence because it makes them uncomfortable. However, for people that don’t have that problem, silence can be a welcome addition to that time you’re spending together. Sometimes it’s nice to just have a casual conversation where you can sit quietly and enjoy each other’s company.

Take some time to sit in silence with friends, family, or in social situations with others. You may feel grossly uncomfortable and anxious. You may feel the need to fill the silence by talking. Don’t. Force yourself to feel the discomfort and let yourself go through it.

7. Seek support (ideally from others with lived experience).

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Oversharing can be a result of neurological differences such as ADHD and autism. Autism and ADHD heavily impact a person’s executive function which governs impulsiveness, self-regulation, and flexible thinking. Whilst these differences are equally as valid as the neurotypical way of thinking and behaving, seeking support could help if you don’t want to overshare but can’t seem to help yourself. You’re best off looking for support groups or a therapist with lived experience in this case. Someone who will honor who you are and where you are, and support you in what you want to achieve, without trying to change you into someone completely different.

Trauma, Bipolar, Borderline Personality, and other mental health conditions can also affect the part of the brain that governs impulsive control and affects how you perceive the world, so it’s important to seek support if you need it.

How do you know if you’re oversharing?

Two women sit at a table with glasses of orange juice. The woman on the left rests her chin on her hand, looking bored. The woman on the right gestures excitedly with a big smile. They are in a bright outdoor setting with blurred greenery in the background.

Conversations are supposed to be a two-way street. Think of it as a tennis game. You hit the ball to the other player, and that player hits the ball back to you. Conversations happen similarly. You talk a little about what you have to say and then find a way to hit the ball back to the other person. An easy way to do that is by asking a question related to your conversation. For example:

“Man, what a beautiful day we’re having today. I think I might cook out today. Do you have any plans?”

“Sure do. I’m going to go disc golfing with my partner. The weather is perfect for getting out and doing something.”

“That sounds awesome. I’ve heard about disc golf, but I’ve never done it. What do you like about it?”

In this exchange, you can see how both people in the conversation send the ball back and forth over the net to have an equal, balanced conversation.

You may also be able to tell if you are oversharing if the conversation appears one-sided. The other person may respond with short statements like, “Wow.” “That seems really hard.” “Interesting.” repeatedly. They may also shift their focus to another activity like checking their cellphone.

The main thing to look out for is equality in conversation. If it doesn’t appear equal, dial what you share back so the other person can meaningfully contribute.