What is nitpicking and why do people do it?
Nitpicking is when someone focuses on little things that they feel like someone, in this case their partner, has done wrong or hasn’t done at all. It’s constantly finding fault in what your partner is doing, focusing on all the negatives, and not being able to let go of seemingly insignificant problems.
When someone nitpicks, the criticism can seem endless. There’s always something that their partner has missed or done wrong. But, it’s not necessarily a choice for someone to nitpick. To this person, the little issues they see all amount to a much bigger problem that is stopping them from being happy in the relationship.
A nitpicker could be this way because they’re a perfectionist and have high standards they want their partner to meet. They have the same expectations of themselves in everything they do and can’t understand why their partner doesn’t approach life in the same way.
Nitpicking could also be a sign of a much bigger breakdown of communication in a relationship. When one partner isn’t happy but can’t express how they feel to the other, their emotions could come out as constant criticism for everything their partner does. They don’t know how to put their frustrations into words, so they’re projecting it onto small, physical problems they can control and finding someone to blame for how they feel.
External stress that has nothing to do with the relationship at all might be playing a part in why there’s nitpicking in your relationship. When someone is feeling disordered in other parts of their life, and as if they’re losing control, taking control over something that is within reach is a way of making them feel as though they’re getting a grip back on their life. In some small way, this helps them feel more balanced again.
So what happens if you know that nitpicking is taking over your relationship? And how do you stop if you’re the one who’s nitpicking?
1. Identify what you’re really annoyed about.
Most of the time, the things we’re nitpicking about aren’t really what’s upsetting us. There’s an underlying reason that’s causing you to be frustrated.
You may not be able to fully articulate or even realize what you’re really annoyed about at first, so you project your feelings of irritation and anger onto something that is in front of you and onto someone you can blame—most likely your partner.
The fact that they haven’t tidied up in exactly the right way, taken the trash out, or remembered your favorite brand of cereal, isn’t actually the end of the world. But it’s the last straw in that moment and the catalyst for you to let out all the emotion you’re holding inside.
By identifying what it is that’s actually causing you to be unhappy, you can separate your anger about that and your annoyance at your partner and realize your partner isn’t the bad person here.
By facing and talking about what’s really upsetting you, your partner will be in a better place to give you the support you need, rather than being pushed away by your nitpicking when now is the time you need them most.
2. Focus on all the things your partner does well.
Your partner might not get everything right all the time, but the more negative you are about their efforts, the less they’re going to keep trying to make you happy.
If you’re never satisfied by anything they do, or only ever focus on what they’ve done wrong, they’ll eventually give up trying at all. Rather than immediately pick on the negatives, teach yourself to focus on the positives in everything they’ve done first.
They may not have done a task in the exact same way you would have, but that doesn’t have to mean they’ve done it wrong and haven’t done it well. Just because they might have forgotten one thing you asked of them, it shouldn’t take away from everything else they have remembered.
Positive reinforcement is the best way to keep someone motivated. Focusing on the positives will allow you to put any negatives into perspective. It will help you realize that what you might have originally thought was a big issue, really isn’t a big deal at all.
3. Think before you comment.
If you’re annoyed at your partner, pick the right moment to bring it up with them.
You might have been annoyed at them all day, or noticed something they didn’t do as soon as you got home, but you don’t want your first interaction of the evening to be a negative one.
No one wants to be greeted by someone telling them what they’ve done wrong. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about how and when to approach the subject.
If they’ve been irritating you a lot recently and can’t seem to do anything right, check in to see if they are struggling with anything at work or in themselves. They might not be in a place mentally or physically where they can keep up with your expectations, and as someone who loves them, you need to be sympathetic and supportive.
Equally, think about how you’re feeling at the moment. Don’t take out your own anger and frustrations on your partner just because you don’t know how to manage your own emotions.
Try not to bring up something they need to fix when they’re not in a position to fix it, like when they are on their way out somewhere. The more you think about when the right time to nitpick is, the less inclined you might become to bring it up at all.
4. Really think about how you’re making your partner feel.
Compromise is important in a relationship, and you’re both going to have to adapt to be able to live with each other and keep your relationship strong.
You most likely won’t have the same habits and might not even have the same expectations about your roles in a relationship. You’re going to have to learn what makes each other tick and where you might need to adapt to accommodate your partner.
If you find yourself nitpicking at your partner because of your differences, think first about how you could be making them feel.
It’s not a bad thing to express how you feel and how your partner could do more to understand you better. But if you’re only ever focusing on the negatives and not balancing your criticisms with praise and affection toward your partner, you’re going to start significantly impacting their self-confidence and the happiness of your relationship.
Think about your tone of voice and if you’re coming across as constructive or insulting. Appreciate that your partner may not approach things in the same way as you and, even if they don’t do something perfectly in your eyes, know when they’re trying their best.
We can all get frustrated with each other at times, but above all, you should want to make your partner happy. Think about the damage your nitpicking is causing and if it’s worth the strain it’s putting on your partner and your relationship.
5. Counteract your nitpicking by complimenting your partner.
Try to combat your nitpicking by making an effort to compliment your partner more often.
If you balance your criticisms with positive affirmations, you’ll be protecting your partner’s self-esteem rather than grinding them down. You don’t want your partner to lose confidence in themselves and never feel as if they’re good enough just because you don’t make an effort to focus on their positive qualities.
If you change tact and make more of an effort to mention good habits when you see them, not only are you affirming them in your partner, but they’ll be in a more receptive state to hear you when there is something you need them to do differently.
It’s a natural instinct to be more open to someone who’s nice to you, so use that in your own relationship.
Complimenting your partner could even help you realize how many good things about them you’re missing because you’ve been too focused on nitpicking at the negatives. It’s a good exercise to get out of the toxic habit, but more than that, it could help you become closer as a couple as you appreciate what you have in each other.
6. Show them exactly what you want done and how.
If your partner keeps consistently doing something wrong in your eyes, instead of nitpicking, why not just try showing them how you’d like it done?
Different people approach life in different ways. Even though you’re a couple, you’re still two individuals and don’t necessarily think in the same way.
If there’s something that your partner keeps doing that always irritates you and you can’t help mentioning it, don’t just tell them they’re wrong and get annoyed. The simple fact could be that your partner doesn’t see things in the way you do. They could genuinely believe they’ve done a good job or got you exactly what you wanted; whereas, it’s not what you expected at all.
If it’s that important to you, then take the time to explain properly what your expectations are of your partner, and show them if you have to. That way, you’re not just criticizing, you’re educating your partner on the way you feel so you can both understand each other in a much more effective way and hopefully stop your need for constant nitpicking in the process.
7. Always be respectful: speak to them how you want to spoken to.
Even if your partner has done something to irritate you and you find yourself nitpicking at them, you can still be respectful about it.
If you can’t help but nitpick at your partner, at least make sure you’re not being rude, shouting, or patronizing them when you do it.
They are much more likely to respond to you if you treat them with respect and ask them to do something calmly and reasonably rather than constantly badgering them about what they haven’t done.
You should respect each other if you want a balanced, equal relationship that will remain strong. Shouting or being rude toward your partner will only cause them to become defensive or stop them from even trying to make you happy because you’re pushing them away.
Rather than becoming passive aggressive or constantly nitpicking at your partner to get them to do something, be careful what you say and how you say it to get the best response out of them. Above all, keep respect at the heart of everything you do.
8. Decide if you can accept them as they are.
You shouldn’t go into a relationship wanting to change a person.
Over time, you and your partner will both change for each other as you learn to compromise and live together. But even as you grow closer, there will still be things that neither of you ever get quite right in the other’s eyes.
You might go into a relationship thinking that if you could just change one thing about them then they would be the perfect partner. But there is a chance that your partner will never change the one thing that annoys you most, no matter how much you hope they will or nitpick at them about it.
If what they do that causes you so much angst is something you can’t live with, then this might not be the best relationship for you, and no amount of nitpicking will make it better.
Your relationship should be one based on mutual happiness, where your main concern is making sure you’re bringing out the best in each other. If you can’t learn to let some things go and accept your partner for who they are with the good and the bad, then you’re going to end up disappointed in your relationship and driven apart.
Finally…
Nitpicking might seem harmless to some, especially if you’re the one doing it. You think it’s just little comments that don’t matter, but little digs add up to an unhappy relationship.
Constant nitpicking will eventually drive a wedge between a couple. If it’s happening in your relationship, rather than giving into it and drifting apart, take it as a sign that you need to communicate more so you can better understand how to support each other. Then there won’t be a need for nitpicking to occur.
There will always be a level of compromise, but if you want your relationship to work, you need to work together to find a way where the both of you can minimize the nitpicking and maximize your understanding of each other and your own self-awareness.
Don’t let the little things become so big that they push you apart, work on putting life back into perspective and remember that the bigger picture is you and your partner having a happy and healthy relationship.
