7 Stages That Reveal You're In A Toxic Push-Pull Relationship

Are you in a push-pull relationship?

A red-haired woman in a yellow sweater and a bearded man in a blue shirt lie on grass, surrounded by small blue flowers. They are closely positioned, both gazing upwards.

A little bit of push and pull is common in a relationship. But it can define the entire relationship dynamic if it’s allowed to get out of control.

The psychology of a push-pull relationship is interesting. Both parties are seemingly unaware of their own behaviors that drive the cycle. They continue to bounce back and forth between short periods of apparent peace, love, and harmony, and longer periods of discontent and friction.

So, how do you know if you’re in this type of relationship? Well, first of all…

There need to be two certain types of people involved.

A woman with short blonde hair sits pensively on a bed, resting her chin on her hands. In the background, a man in a white shirt sits with his hand on his forehead, appearing distressed. The scene suggests tension or a serious conversation.

For the cycle to last, two types of people need to become partners. If only one of these types is present, and the second person in the relationship has a healthier attachment style, things tend not to last long. But when both of the following people come together, push-pull syndrome becomes a problem.

If you recognize yourself and your partner as Person A and B, and you engage in the stages that follow, you’re in a push-pull relationship.

Person A:

– Has low self-esteem and so pursues romantic interests in order to feel worthy and lovable.

– Dislikes feeling suffocated by a relationship.

– Has a conscious fear of intimacy and an unconscious fear of abandonment.

Person B

– Has low self-esteem and so likes to be pursued in order to feel wanted and loved.

– Dislikes feeling insecure about a relationship.

– Has a conscious fear of abandonment and an unconscious fear of intimacy.

When they meet and are attracted to each other, the cycle starts…

1. Pursuit

A young man and woman smiling and posing close to each other at a vibrant party with colorful lighting. The woman, wearing a bright red top, is smiling at the camera, while the man stands behind her, leaning in. Other partygoers are visible in the background.

At first, person A’s low self-esteem will override their fear of intimacy and lead them to identify and pursue someone they are attracted to. They may put on the charm, provide lots of attention, and buy lavish gifts.

Person B may initially play hard to get because their fear of abandonment means they are often reluctant to enter a relationship and make themselves vulnerable.

But their low self-esteem means they are eventually won over by the attention of person A. That attention makes them feel good about themselves.

2. Bliss

A smiling couple sits at an outdoor café, holding hands across a small table. The woman wears a light outfit and a sunhat; the man is in a light blue shirt. Two cups of coffee are on the table, along with a red potted plant. The background features charming buildings.

For a while, the relationship seems to go well. Both person A and person B enjoy the excitement. They spend increasing amounts of time together. They may become physically intimate.

But the enjoyment they share is fairly superficial with few, if any, deep conversations.

3. Withdrawal

A couple embraces on a sunlit beach. The man, wearing a striped shirt, sunglasses, and a hat, smiles while holding his hat. The woman stands behind him, resting her head on his shoulder with her arms around him, smiling softly. The beach and buildings are blurred in the background.

After a while, person A will begin to feel overwhelmed by the relationship. They fear the intimacy that has begun to build.

They will want to escape it – or reduce the intensity, at least. So they might become distant. They close themselves off physically and emotionally.

4. Repelling

A woman in a mustard sweater kneels on the floor, crying and clinging to the leg of a man standing beside her with a suitcase. The scene appears to take place in a living room with a couch and lamp in the background.

Have you ever taken two magnets and pointed the ends of the same polarity at each other? One repels the other. It pushes it away. This is a good analogy of what happens in this stage.

Person B, driven by their fear of abandonment, will now become the pursuer. They will seek out the company and attention of person A.

But person A has the opposite wish – they just want to be by themselves. So person A will feel more smothered and try to withdraw further.

This is just like one magnet repelling the other as it tries to get too close.

To person A, person B might come across as needy. They might feel criticized or nagged.

5. Distancing

A woman sits on a bed, looking thoughtful and concerned, with her hands resting on her cheeks. In the background, a man sits turned away, facing a window. The room is softly lit with natural light.

Eventually, person B will stop pursuing person A. They do this to protect themselves. They consciously fear abandonment, but in the event that the relationship were to end, they want to minimize the hurt they feel.

6. Reconciliation

A man with dark hair kisses the hand of a woman with long blonde hair in an outdoor setting with greenery. The woman is smiling and holding a bouquet of white flowers wrapped in brown paper. She is wearing an orange sleeveless top. The atmosphere is sunny and serene.

At this point, person A gets the space they seek. The intimacy in the relationship has severely reduced. It is now that person A’s unconscious fear of abandonment makes them look favorably at the relationship again. They see it as a better choice than being single. Person A begins to pursue person B again. They may extend an olive branch of peace, shower person B with gifts and apologies, or do other things to win them round.

Person B, whilst initially reluctant, still wants to feel loved and wanted and so they begin to let person A back in. They certainly see a breakup as a far less desirable option.

7. Harmony

A close-up of a woman and a man smiling at each other while sitting on a beach. The woman has long brown hair and is wearing a bright swimsuit, while the man is wearing a light shirt. They appear to be enjoying a sunny day.

The relationship returns to a period of relative peace and happiness.

Person A is satisfied that the relationship didn’t get too deep or serious. Person B is satisfied that the relationship didn’t end full stop.

As you might notice, stages 1 and 2 are very similar to stages 6 and 7. Essentially, they are the same, but stages 1 and 2 relate to a new relationship.

Once the cycle has completed the first time, stages 6 and 7 replace stages 1 and 2 so that the whole thing goes like this:

Stage 6 -> Stage 7 -> Stage 3 -> Stage 4 -> Stage 5 -> Stage 6 -> and so on.

Why The Cycle Continues

A woman and a man are sitting close together on a blue couch. Both have dark hair and are wearing casual tops, the woman in pink and the man in maroon. They are looking directly at the camera with neutral expressions.

This sort of relationship dynamic offers each person what they want in a roundabout way. Neither person wants things to get too intimate, and yet neither wants the relationship to end.

The cycle prevents the formation of true, meaningful intimacy, but it also allows the relationship to continue. Both parties push and pull in their own way and some couples can continue like this for years. Some might even go their entire lives with this hot and cold strategy playing out.

Why The Cycle Might End

A woman in a white coat stands in the foreground, covering her face with her hands. In the background, a man in a tan coat stands with his hands in his pockets. They are in front of a large, arched brick wall. The scene appears to be emotionally charged.

In many cases, a push-pull relationship will come to a natural conclusion when one person finds a way to ignore their fear of abandonment and walk away.

As much as they might not want to be alone, they eventually come to realize that the nature of the relationship is neither healthy nor good for them.