Finding the “right” words can be hard.
Have you ever wanted to comfort a sad person, and found yourself stumbling for words? Or perhaps you thought you had the right words but they somehow backfired spectacularly.
It’s an awkward feeling to want to reach out to comfort someone but not know what the right words are and how to helpfully communicate. No one wants to make the situation worse by saying the wrong thing. Right? But alas, it’s easily done.
Here are 10 common phrases that people use to comfort others, some of which do more harm than good. Are you using the right ones?
1. Never say: “At least…” or “It could be worse…”
Basically, avoid anything that aims to minimize a negative situation or force it to be positive.
Unfortunately, this is a common strategy that people employ to try to find the silver lining in the gray clouds of a bad situation.
This is rarely a good idea.
The problem is that not every situation has a silver lining. It can be insulting or demeaning to have their pain diminished in that way.
As an example, let’s say a friend’s mother is dying from a chronic illness. This is just negative all around, so let it be negative.
It may be tempting to say things like, “At least she’s not suffering now.” or “I’m sure she’s in a better place.”
But these aren’t comforting messages. They’re messages that minimize and try to shift a massive emotional load in a way that isn’t going to help that friend.
Far better to say something like, “I’m sorry about your mom. I know that there aren’t any words that can make you feel better. Just know that I’m here with you as much as I can be.”
And just let the person feel whatever it is they need to feel instead of trying to offer a superficial fix for the pain.
2. Do say: “I see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
The hardest part for many people is getting the conversation started. This is a simple way.
You can start the conversation by simply asking if the person wants to talk about their problem.
They may not – and that’s okay! They may need time to work through their issue themselves.
They may also not be in the right mental space to be open and vulnerable about whatever may be causing their distress.
This is also an excellent way to open a conversation if you want to approach a stranger or someone you don’t know well who appears to be in distress.
Just include an introduction:
“Hey there. I’m Jack. I can see that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
Don’t insist that the person open up or talk if they don’t want to. Just let them know that you are present and there for them if they change their mind.
3. Don’t say: “I know exactly how you feel” or “I’ve been in exactly the same situation.”
While it might seem like a good way to show empathy, telling someone you know exactly how they feel can actually be counterproductive. Even if you’ve been through a similar situation, everyone’s experience is unique.
This phrase can make the person feel like you’re minimizing their individual experience or trying to make the conversation about you. They might think, “No, you don’t know exactly how I feel. My situation is different.”
Instead, try saying something like, “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.” This acknowledges their pain without comparing it to your own experiences. If you want to share a similar experience, do so carefully, prefacing it with something like, “I’ve been through something that might be similar, and I found it really tough. Would it be helpful if I shared that with you?”
Remember, the goal is to make them feel heard and supported, not to prove that you understand their exact situation. Sometimes, admitting that you can’t fully comprehend their pain is the most honest and supportive thing you can do.
4. Do say: “I’m here for you if you need me.”
Sadness can be lonely and isolating. It’s easy to feel like other people can’t relate to a pain we might be experiencing, even if we know that the other person has experienced similar pain.
You may feel like you’re demonstrating that you’re ready and willing to be there for your loved one, but saying it out loud is a solid confirmation that you understand they are going through tough times, and you want to be there for them through their pain.
And then follow that statement up by actually being there.
People tend to forget that pain and sadness don’t end the moment a person stops crying.
Being there for your loved one may entail checking in on them days later to ensure they are still receiving the kind of support that they need to get through their pain.
5. Don’t say: “You should…” or “You need to…”
When someone is sad or grieving, it’s tempting to try and fix their situation by offering advice. However, phrases that start with “You should” or “You need to” can come across as pushy or judgmental, even if that’s not your intention.
These statements imply that you know better than they do about their own situation, which can be frustrating for someone already dealing with difficult emotions. It may make them feel like they’re not handling things “correctly” or that their feelings aren’t valid.
Instead of giving unsolicited advice, focus on being present and supportive. If they ask for your opinion, offer it gently, using phrases like “Have you considered…?” or “What do you think about…?” This approach respects their autonomy and emotional process while still allowing you to provide input if they want it.
6. Do say: “I’m listening” or “I hear you” (and then make sure you do actually listen.)
The most important part of providing comfort to another person is your ability to actively listen to what they have to say.
Whatever phrases you use, whether it’s the ones we’ve talked about here or your own approach, they aren’t as important as your ability to listen. Active listening is a skill in which you are demonstrating that the person you are listening to is valid, important, and worth hearing.
These are affirmations that sometimes need to be made when a person isn’t in a positive mental space.
The best way to actively listen is to eliminate other distractions that might cause the person to think that you aren’t paying attention.
Turn off the television, pause the movie, ignore your cell phone while you are talking to the person.
You can always come back to these things later. Be present with them in their trying moment.
You can further demonstrate active listening by confirming what the other person said in your own words.
This is also helpful for clarity if the person is having a hard time communicating whatever is troubling them.
Bouts of silences are normal while the person is crying or thinking.
It’s okay to look around at your surroundings in quiet moments. It offers the other person a private moment rather than awkwardly looking at each other.
7. Don’t say: “Well I’m only trying to help!” if they don’t react how you expected.
In trying to comfort another person, do understand that their emotions may not be what you expect them to be.
Even if you say all of the best and right things to try to comfort another person, they may respond with anger or shortness.
They may find those kinds of statements insensitive, or you may accidentally trigger something painful for them that causes an unpredictable reaction.
Don’t take these things personally. Don’t let yourself get frustrated or angry with the person. Just be cool and let the situation continue on how it needs to continue on.
Patience will carry you through the situation and give the person the room they need to process their emotions.
Remember: your presence is more important than any exceptional combinations of words.
So, now you’ve worked out what not to say, what should you say?
8. Do say: “How are you feeling?”
This is an essential question because sadness and other negative feelings may not be the only emotions present. By asking how the person is feeling, you’re allowing them to air out their other feelings that you can then validate and support.
Coming back to the example of a friend’s mother having a terminal illness. Let’s say they’ve been a caregiver for the past few years, taking their mother to doctor’s appointments, watching them go through the ugliest aspects of a chronic illness that would eventually take their life. The mother passes away, and you find yourself trying to be supportive of that friend.
That friend will likely be sad, but they may also have other feelings about the situation as well.
They may not even be all that sad, because they’ve already grieved the loss of their mother while she was still alive.
A person in that situation may feel relief that their mother is no longer suffering because of her illness.
That relief is a valid feeling too, but one that can get overlooked while everyone else is coping with the immediate loss.
They may feel guilty for feeling relief about their mother’s death, because what kind of person would feel relief at their mother dying?
The answer is quite a few people because grief is not often simple. It wouldn’t be unusual for someone to feel relief that their mother is no longer suffering.
So, don’t assume you know precisely what someone is feeling. Ask them, and whatever their response, don’t judge them for it.
9. Do say: “I have no good answer to that, but I hear what you’re saying.”
In trying to comfort someone, you may feel an internal pressure to try to resolve their sadness.
After all, you don’t want to see someone suffering any more than they have to.
However, many of the pains of life are just too large to neatly resolve in a single conversation. Some problems just don’t have an easy answer.
Sometimes a person may need to go to therapy or just need more time to really work through whatever is troubling them.
That shouldn’t stop you from trying to comfort someone who appears in distress. Just understand that they may ask rhetorical questions that they know have no answers while talking to you. They’re just voicing their frustration and pain aloud to communicate with you and better process it. Let them and don’t give in to the pressure to respond.
10. Do say: “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Sometimes, the most comforting thing you can do is offer practical support. By asking this question, you’re showing that you’re not just there to listen, but you’re willing to take action to help ease their burden.
The key here is to be specific and follow through if they do ask for help. Don’t make vague offers that you can’t fulfill. Instead, think about what you can realistically do. Maybe it’s bringing over a meal, helping with errands, or just sitting with them in silence.
Remember, they might not know what they need right away, and that’s okay. Your offer alone can be comforting, showing them they’re not alone in their struggle. If they decline, respect their decision, but let them know the offer stands if they change their mind.
