If you don't want to be lonely anymore, take these 10 steps to find your tribe

How do you find your “tribe”?

A man with a beard and short hair, wearing a white shirt, sits outdoors in a grassy field. He has a thoughtful expression and looks off into the distance, with a backdrop of trees and cloudy sky.

Many of us lead rather solitary existences these days. And that’s a sad state of affairs.

Whereas in the past, communities were absolutely vital support structures for society to function, people can generally get along just fine on their own now.

After all, we don’t need to interact with the local carpenter or tailor to get items that we need: we can order them online. We tend our gardens by ourselves, raise our kids on our own (or with immediate family), etc.

Some people who are active in a faith-based group might have more interaction with others of like mind, at least spiritually speaking, but those interactions may simply revolve around polite small talk.

What about groups of people who actually “get” us? Groups full of people we can trust and count on, who share our values as well as our personal interests?

Here are 10 easy steps to take to help you find that all important tribe.

1. Figure out what’s most important to you.

A woman with long brown hair and glasses sits at a wooden table. She is writing in a notebook with a pen, and a bowl of food and a glass cup with tea or another beverage are in front of her. A dresser with a vintage lamp can be seen in the background.

You can start by writing down all the things that are important to you. These can range from your values and spiritual leanings to hobbies you enjoy, endeavors you’d like to take part in, and even the types of entertainment that you like.

Here’s an example that might amuse you all: although I’m a crunchy hippie earth mama type now, I was part of the local goth community when I was in my teens and twenties. Those of us who appreciated that genre of music, as well as dark/horror films and books, and a rather monochromatic fashion aesthetic all gravitated towards one another.

Many of us were ostracized by our peers at school, and thus we found community with others of like mind.

And now it’s your turn to do the same.

As mentioned, write down all the things that you feel are important to you. Then place those in order of how much time you’d like to spend doing them. If several of those overlap or are of equal importance, that’s okay! Keep those all on the same line so you can see what kinds of groups to pursue.

Being specific like this can be incredibly helpful. After all, you’d likely be pleasantly surprised to discover that there are many other people out there who like the same combinations of things that you do.

2. Work out what your needs are vs what you can offer.

Three women and three toddlers are sitting together in a bright room. The women are smiling, and the toddlers are holding colorful balls. One toddler has a yellow spiky ball while another toddler plays nearby. The atmosphere is cheerful and playful.

When you’re determining what’s important to you, be honest about your motivations for looking for a new community. Let’s use the example of a new parent who’s looking for a social circle they can relate to.

If you’re in a situation like this, are you looking to talk to other people about your experiences? Maybe get advice from them? Or are you hoping to meet people with whom you can socialize your child and maybe get some babysitting while you’re at it? What will you be able to offer these people in turn?

Keep in mind that community is about giving as much as we receive. For instance, if you’re joining a faith-based community because you’re feeling alone and vulnerable and you’re hoping for friendship and support, it’s important to keep in mind that you’ll also need to step up and help others in turn. Assist with bake sales, charity work, and the like.

It’s great to benefit from what others have or know, but if you don’t show up for them as they show up for you, things are going to be obviously one-sided very quickly. That will likely result in you being avoided or ostracized rather than embraced with open arms.

When you’re in the process of writing down all the values and interests you’d like to weave into your social web, be sure to make another list about everything you bring to the table.

– Do you have carpentry skills?

– Are you a capable gardener?

– Have you learned some wonderful fiber art techniques over the years?

– Or are you fluent in a few languages and can help to tutor others?

Each of us has numerous skills and abilities that can benefit others. Just imagine how great a community can be when everyone draws from what they’re great at to take care of and help others!

3. Think about whether you prefer to socialize online or in person.

An elderly man with a long white beard and glasses sits in a kitchen holding an orange cat. He is looking at a laptop on a wooden table, with sunlight streaming through a window nearby. The kitchen has a black brick backsplash, knives on a magnetic strip, and potted plants.

Some people prefer to cultivate a community online, while others prefer face-to-face interaction. Others like a mix of both. All of these options are perfectly valid and will help you to figure out what kinds of communities you’d like to get involved with.

For example, if you’re a cerebral, introverted type who likes to trade information with like-minded individuals, then you might prefer to socialize primarily online. In contrast, if you’re into running or other physical training with friends, then you’ll likely veer towards in-person interactions.

The happy medium between is great for those who’d like to socialize in person occasionally, but keep in touch with their group on a daily basis. For instance, homesteading types who get together regularly to share seeds, preserves, etc., crafters who can trade patterns online most of the time but get together on occasion to knit or sew, and so on.

4. Start looking for communities and take the plunge.

Now you’ve figured out what you’re looking for, what you have to offer, and what sort of interaction you want, it’s time to stat looking and putting yourself out there.

In this modern age, there are countless websites, apps, and Facebook groups for every taste and interest, that offer community and the possibility of friendship. Then there are community event boards in places like your local newspaper or places of worship that will usually have lists of groups running nearby.

Once you’ve found some communities to try out, you’re ready to take the next step. This involves you actually showing up and taking part in what they’re offering.

Remember that showing up doesn’t necessarily mean being there face to face. Many community groups offer online meetups via Zoom or similar. As a result, you just need a webcam and working microphone to take part.

5. Read the fine print to make sure you’re on the same page.

A young woman in a classroom raising her hand, smiling. She has brown hair tied back and is wearing a pink and gray top. Other students are seated around her, some smiling and looking attentive. The room is bright with natural light coming from windows in the background.

There are few situations as uncomfortable as turning up for a group activity only to find out that you’re missing something vital. If you’ve ever shown up at school without having finished your homework, or forgotten to bring your laptop to a board meeting (when it was specifically requested in the email invite), you’ll be familiar with this feeling.

When you find a group event that you’d like to take part in, read the description very carefully. Is everyone expected to bring something to work on or share with the others? Is special equipment recommended? Or will there be a small fee to attend?

Pore through the fine print and take note of important details. Then, if you have additional questions, contact the group’s leader or administrator and ask for clarification. It’s always better to err on the side of preparedness, right?

Then make sure you have a bottle of water and a snack with you when you attend. Those are always important to keep on hand, no matter where you go.

6. If you’re shy or have social anxiety, bring a friend.

A diverse group of people, sitting around a table, engaged in a lively conversation. They are all smiling and appear relaxed. One person holds a laptop, while others have coffee mugs. There's a small plant on the table, and large windows in the background.

Let’s say you find a community that you’re eager to get involved with, but you’re rather shy or deal with social anxiety issues. That’s absolutely okay. Talk to a friend with whom you feel comfortable and see if they’ll go with you to your first in-person meetup.

Not only will their presence make you feel more confident interacting with others, you’ll also have someone with you for support if you end up feeling uncomfortable or unsafe.

Think of it like a double date scenario: you’re getting to know some complete strangers in a new environment, so you might as well do what you need to in order to feel empowered.

As an added bonus, your friend might end up knowing one of the other people in attendance. They can then make introductions for you and help you start weaving your new social webs.

7. Be yourself.

A man in a plaid shirt sits in a circle with a group of people, engaged in a serious conversation. He rests his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands together. The group appears to be in a cozy indoor setting with large windows and natural light.

When you’re trying to find your “tribe,” one of the most important things to remember is to be yourself – not what you think other people want you to be. Similarly, it’s important to only get involved with groups you actually want to be part of.

If your greatest passion is historical recreation and costuming, you’re probably not going to be super-eager to join an extreme sports community. You may be inclined to do so in order to get closer to someone you’re interested in knowing better, but will you really be happy if you try to get involved there? How much time and effort will you put into a group you don’t actually care about?

Authenticity is key, here. If you want to build a community full of people you care about and trust, then it’s vital to be real. Consider how hurt and betrayed you’ve felt in the past when you’ve discovered that someone you thought was awesome was actually faking most of their personality just to get into your social group.

Don’t be that person.

8. Give your chosen community a chance.

A group of four young adults is hiking along a forest path. They are wearing casual outdoor clothing and backpacks. Trees and greenery surround the path, creating a serene atmosphere. The group appears to be enjoying their time together in nature.

Remember that it takes time to cultivate friendship and community. Life isn’t like a film or TV series where people meet and become instant best friends forever. Or at least, those situations are the exception rather than the rule.

Instead, people get to know one another bit by bit, like peeling off onion layers. The same goes for building community, only in reverse. When you’re creating a community, the simile is more like creating garden soil: it has to be built up layer by layer over time until it functions as a healthy, balanced ecosystem.

When you find a group of people you relate to well, allow yourself time to get to know everyone. Furthermore, try not to put anyone on a pedestal or have unrealistic expectations. Connections are woven over time, and there will undoubtedly be setbacks and disappointments along the way.

To be friends with people means accepting them and caring about them as they are, rather than for what we hope they could be. We’re all gorgeously flawed individuals who struggle with a number of different issues – not all of which we’re ready to discuss with others when we’re just starting to get to know them.

So, if you’ve made plans with a new friend and they have to bail at the last minute, try to be understanding and give them the benefit of the doubt. They may have a special needs child who’s having a meltdown. Or they’re dealing with chronic pain or illness and are having a seriously bad day.

Sow the seeds you’d like to cultivate, and let them germinate and flourish at their own rate.

9. Dip your toe into several pools.

Four people are jogging together on a park path surrounded by lush green trees. They appear to be enjoying a sunny day, wearing comfortable athletic clothing and running shoes. The scene conveys a sense of fitness and camaraderie.

When it comes to connecting with others to create a community, it’s important to test several different waters, so to speak. If you’re only using one friend-finding app, for example, you might miss out on some amazing people who are using some of the other ones.

Similarly, if you’re just choosing one of your interests to pursue, you may be missing out on connecting with people who share some of your other hobbies and such.

If you divide your time between several different interest groups, you may be delighted to discover that you’re seeing some of the same faces in these different places.

For instance, one of my closest friends shares my interests in linguistics, ancient history, knitting, gardening, literature, and soup recipes. When we were first getting to know one another, we’d run into each other at yarn shops, museums, bookstores, etc.

If and when you find yourself bumping into the same people like this, that’s a surefire sign that you’ve found some great potential tribe members.

10. Start your own community.

A woman squats in a lush garden holding a basket of vegetables, including red tomatoes. Another woman stands in the background wearing a hat, while a man in a plaid shirt uses a tablet. They are surrounded by various plants under a clear sky.

If you can’t find a community that suits your own mix of values and interests the best thing you can do is to start your own community and open it up to like-minded individuals.

You can be quite certain that there are at least a few people within shouting distance who are interested in the exact same things that you are but haven’t had the opportunity to meet others who share those interest combos.

So go ahead and start a meetup group for vegan, nonbinary Klezmer musicians, or Welsh love spoon carvers with a penchant for Black Metal and meatloaf. You may not be inundated with thousands of potential new buddies, but you’ll undoubtedly find at least a few new fabulous friends to hang out with and get to know better.

And that is how a community gets started.