If you don't want to be remembered as a chronic complainer, stop doing these 9 things now

Do you have a lot to complain about?

A man with gray hair and a beard, wearing glasses and a rust-colored sweater, sits in a chair and holds a phone to his mouth. Sunlight streams in through a window with patterned curtains in the background.

Life is tough. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of cynicism, doom, gloom, and complaining. There always seems to be some problem or another being blasted across the news or creeping up into your personal life.

So what’s not to complain about? Why shouldn’t you complain about how bad things are?

Well, complaining usually doesn’t accomplish anything. A complaint can be a useful tool when it’s framed as “this is a problem and we need to fix it,” but people don’t often complain that way. Often when chronic complainers complain they don’t actually want to be better or make things better. They’re comfortable wallowing in their own misery because it’s a safe place that they understand.

So how do you know if you’re earning the undesirable title of chronic complainer? Look out for these 8 tell-tale behaviors, and then eradicate them.

1. Regularly complaining to people who can’t actually fix the problem.

Two young men are seated at a wooden counter near a large window, each holding a coffee cup. One, wearing a beanie and glasses, looks thoughtful and engaged, while the other, in a denim jacket, rests his head in his hand, appearing contemplative.

Consider who you are complaining to. Is it a person who has an interest in seeing the problem resolved? Is it someone who can help resolve the complaint? If it’s neither of these, then you’re just complaining for the sake of complaining.

If you’re complaining to try to find a solution to a problem you’re experiencing it’s better to not complain but instead, ask if you can run a situation past the person to get their perspective on it.

Frame it as, “I’m having a problem that I can’t figure out. Can I get your thoughts?” By doing that, you’re not complaining, but problem-solving.

2. Complaining under the guise of “venting”.

Two women are sitting on a sofa having a conversation. One woman, with red hair, gestures as she speaks, while the other woman, with long dark hair, listens with her back to the camera. They are in a bright room with white curtains.

Many chronic complainers justify their behavior by calling it “venting.” While venting can be a healthy way to release stress, it’s important to understand the difference between the two.

Venting is a short-term release of frustration that typically leads to feeling better and moving on. Complaining, on the other hand, is a repetitive cycle that often reinforces negative feelings and doesn’t lead to resolution.

Ask yourself: Are you expressing your feelings to process them and then let go, or are you dwelling on the same issues repeatedly without seeking solutions? If it’s the latter, you’re likely complaining rather than venting.

If you don’t want to be remembered as a chronic complainer, set a time limit for expressing your frustrations. Once that time is up, shift your focus to potential solutions or positive aspects of your situation. That way you can still release tension without falling into the trap of endless moaning.

3. Complaining to avoid having to make or accept a change.

Two people sit at a white table in a modern, minimalistic kitchen, having a conversation. A man with short dark hair holds a mug, wearing a light blue shirt over a white tee. A person with curly hair is seen from the back. A smartphone and décor are on the table.

Some complaints are because we, as human beings, are not all that comfortable with change. Sometimes we complain because we don’t like the idea of something we’re familiar with changing, particularly if it’s a change that’s being thrust upon us.

It’s worthwhile to consider what you’re complaining about and what the alternatives are. If you haven’t considered the alternatives, you may find that a different way of doing things ends up being better. It might save time, money, effort, or make a lasting change that benefits a greater whole.

4. Starting conversations with a complaint.

Two people sit at a cafe table, engaged in conversation. Each has a coffee and some personal items on the table, including a phone and a notebook. The atmosphere is casual and bright, with large windows in the background.

Think back to the conversations you’ve had in the past two weeks. How many of those conversations began with a complaint of some kind?

“Man, work was so bad.”

“This weather is killing me!”

“Why didn’t this get done?”

It’s so easy to do because we’re always under such a large amount of stress to get things done. When you have a lot of things to do, even the smallest disruptions can be jarring enough to feed a complaint.

Try not to let yourself get sucked into that cycle when you can avoid it. A simple, “Hey, how is it going?” can be a much better way to get a conversation going.

5. Confusing constructive criticism with complaining.

A man in a blue shirt is sitting at a restaurant table with a plate of food, looking confused or frustrated as he talks to a female server who is out of focus. The table has a glass of wine. The background shows shelves with wine bottles and glasses.

Many people confuse constructive criticism with complaining. Sometimes it’s because they genuinely can’t see the difference. Other times it’s because they don’t want to acknowledge the problem or they’re trying to avoid responsibility.

The difference between constructive criticism and a complaint is the end goal. Constructive criticism is something we give to help a person improve. You may point out the flaws or poorly structured sentences in a person’s writing so they can learn from those mistakes.

However, if you just say “Well, this sucks” then you’re not actually providing any criticism at all. All you’re doing is complaining which isn’t helpful or kind.

6. Being passive-aggressive rather than expressing your needs directly.

Two women are sitting in an office setting engaged in conversation. One woman, with dark hair, is listening attentively with her hand on her chin. The other woman, with her back to the camera, gestures while speaking. Both are seated at a glass table.

Complaining is often a passive-aggressive way to express one’s needs without directly asking. This type of behavior is not likely to get you what you need or want.

A more direct approach is clear communication that actually addresses the problem instead of dropping hints.

Hints masked as complaints look like: “I wish you would do this…” “I wish you’d stop doing this…” “Why do you always do that…?”

There’s a good chance that the person you’re talking to may not interpret your complaint as something that really bothers you.

A direct statement is better than an indirect complaint. A direct statement looks like: “Can you please not do this?”

7. Complaining because you’re unable to tolerate discomfort.

Two women sit at a table, holding glasses of red wine. One woman, in a pink top, is turned away, while the other, wearing a plaid shirt, rests her head on her hand and smiles. They seem to be having a pleasant, relaxed conversation.

Discomfort is a valuable thing. It helps spur us to improve, work on ourselves, or better our lot in life.

We can complain about our discomfort or we can embrace it as something that is solely ours to work on and work through. The great news is that working through discomfort helps to build us up, make us more tenacious, make us stronger than we were before the discomfort we experienced.

That does not mean you should accept other peoples’ bad behavior or disrespect. Life will throw enough challenges at you that you don’t need to tolerate disrespect.

8. Not dealing with the root of your troubled mindset.

Elderly man with a long gray beard and serious expression, resting his chin on his clasped hands. He is gazing intently into the distance, with a soft, blurred background that suggests an indoor setting. He appears deep in thought.

There is usually a reason why a person excessively complains.

For a lot of people, that reason is depression. Depression colors everything in a negative to neutral light. It’s hard to see the positive things in the world when your brain is telling you that everything is bad.

Consider the last time you felt positive or happy. When was it? How long ago was it? If it was a while ago, it might be worth talking to a certified mental health counselor about what’s going on in your life.

That complaining may just be a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed so you can find your peace of mind and happiness.

9. Ignoring the negative consequences of your complaining.

Two elderly men are sitting outdoors, engaged in conversation. One wears a red and black plaid jacket, while the other sports a striped shirt and glasses. The background is blurred with greenery, suggesting a park or garden setting.

The act of complaining often fosters a negative attitude that other people simply don’t want to put up with. People don’t want to hang out with bitter, angry people who do nothing but complain. It often rubs off on the people around us and leaves everyone in a worse mood.

Far easier to just cut that friend (i.e. you) off and not deal with them anymore rather than try to change their perception or opinion.

Complaining also shifts responsibility and encourages us to perceive ourselves as a victim, instead of an independent person who can make their own choices.

Yes, you may be treated badly by another person. That’s fair and valid. But if they keep doing it, refuse to change, or refuse to acknowledge there’s any kind of problem, what good does it do to complain? All you can do at that point is take responsibility for your own happiness and change your situation.

Chronic complaining also diminishes the power and importance of a real complaint. If the person constantly complains about pointless things, why would anyone assume that a genuine complaint they have is valid? Most people would just write it off as more pointless complaining or assume the complainer is just being dramatic.

When you understand just how pointless, and actually detrimental, complaining is, why on earth would you choose to carry on doing it?