If your husband left you for another woman, you need to understand these 12 things

Betrayals don’t come much bigger than this.

A woman and a man stand side by side in front of a brick wall, each holding a finger to their lips in a gesture suggesting silence. They look directly at the camera. The woman has long blonde hair, and the man has dark hair and a beard.

Marriages aren’t all roses, rainbows, and romantic walks along the beach.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together one year or twenty years, bumps in the road are common.

But if you’re in the situation where your husband has actually left you for another woman, you’ve probably got a lot of questions you’d like answers to.

So let’s help you understand and work through this ultimate betrayal.

1. You need to stop torturing yourself with the question, “Why did he leave me?”

A woman sitting on a couch appears deep in thought, leaning on a pillow with a worried expression. She is dressed in a long-sleeve orange top and jeans. In the background, there's a blurred view of a plant and a table.

There are lots of reasons why a person might cheat, but when it’s a full-on affair outside of a marriage, it boils down to two core motives that we can clear up for you right now:

Reason one: he has fallen in love with another woman.

Love is a complicated and powerful feeling. It can make a person do things they might not otherwise do – things they didn’t think they were capable of.

This is not meant as an excuse for what your husband has done, but merely an explanation.

Remember what it felt like when you and your husband first fell in love. It was intoxicating, right?

Well, even if you still love him and he still loves you, that intense fire might now be more of a candle. It still burns, but not with the same brightness or heat. So if your husband meets someone and falls in love with them too, your love has to compete with their love.

But their love is newer and, in some sense, more alluring. Less time has passed for the mundanity of everyday life to have its inevitable effects. Your husband might convince himself that this new love with his mistress is more real than the love he feels for you.

So, if he feels he has to make a choice between the love you have for each other and the love he feels for this other woman, he might choose the other woman.

Reason two: he has fallen out of love with you.

The second core motive behind a husband leaving his wife for someone else is that he no longer loves you. This can be really hard to take, particularly if you still love him, but feelings of love don’t always last forever.

Perhaps that love has simply fizzled out, or maybe it disintegrated in some massive blowout or event at some point in the past. Either way, it’s gone.

Again, this is not to excuse your husband for any infidelity, but if the chance of new love came along and he had fewer reasons to stick things out in your relationship, it might explain why he chose the other woman.

2. Whether he feels regret or not is irrelevant.

An elderly woman with short, curly gray hair sits on a sofa holding a large mug, gazing thoughtfully out a window. She is wearing a light blue shirt, and the room is softly lit with a bookshelf in the background.

Like love, regret is a complicated emotion.

Your husband may well regret his decision to leave you, and this could be the case even if he doesn’t want to return to you.

He may realize that the grass is not greener on the other side if his new relationship isn’t everything he had hoped for.

But he may think that it’s too late to save your marriage now that this has happened.

He may have regrets even if he is happy with his decision. He may have moved in with his mistress and be enjoying his new life with her, but still have misgivings about the situation.

He may regret how he handled your separation. He may regret the pain he caused you. If you have children, he may regret being the father who left his family.

If he once loved you – if he still loves you as a person, just not as a spouse – he is bound to feel some regret.

But regret itself might not be enough for him to come back to you.

3. Wondering whether his new relationship will last is a waste of your time and energy.

A woman with curly blonde hair lies awake on her bed, resting her chin on a pillow, appearing thoughtful. A blurred alarm clock is visible in the foreground, suggesting early morning or late night.

Whether you still cling to hope of rebuilding your marriage, or you’re just yearning to know, it’s common to ask how long his new relationship will last.

The problem is, you can’t look into some crystal ball and see what the future holds.

Perhaps you think his new relationship is doomed to fail because he’s left you for a younger woman who isn’t really interested in anything long term.

Or maybe you think he is going through a midlife crisis and this relationship is just a symptom of that. You think he might come to his senses once he has gotten this out of his system.

But this is simply speculation.

As painful as it is, you are an outsider in this relationship. You cannot feel what he feels and you don’t know what they are like together as a couple.

Some men might leave their wives for a new woman and find themselves happier than ever before.

Other men might soon realize that the grass is not always greener and that they had it pretty good with their wife.

No one can tell for sure, not even your husband.

4. Your husband was not stolen from you because he was never “yours” in the first place.

A woman sits on a bed looking upset, while a person in jeans and a brown shirt walks away holding a suitcase. There is a plant next to the bed, and the room has a soft, neutral color palette.

It’s important from the get-go to remember that you do not own your husband and you never did. You may think that you lost your husband to this other woman, or that she stole him from you, but it was his choice to leave you.

And if you’re thinking about trying to “win him back,” you have to also remember that it will be his choice to come back.

5. You need to respect his decision to leave you, even if you want him to come back.

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If you make his life a nightmare after he has left you for this other woman, you’re only pushing him further away.

It’s fine to tell him that you love him, but make it clear that you won’t fight him about this if it is what he really wants. You’re not going to be able to change his mind anyway.

This helps to leave things on good terms between the two of which is important if he is to ever come back (if you want him back, that is).

Definitely don’t try to guilt trip him back into your marriage by telling him how much he has hurt you or by bringing the kids into the equation. That won’t end well for anyone.

6. If you think you want him back, really understand why that is.

A woman with brunette hair lies on a table, her hands under her head, staring at a gold ring placed in front of her. She appears thoughtful or sad, with the focus on the ring in the foreground.

It’s vital that you truly consider whether you want him back. And if you do, what are your reasons?

If his new relationship started before he told you he wanted to separate, you have to face the fact that he has lied to you and hidden important things from you.

Is this something you can forgive?

And do you want him back simply because you liked how your life was before? If so, do you honestly think things can get back to how they once were?

Do you just hate the idea of being divorced and lonely? Would you take him back just to have some company that you are familiar with?

Would you want him back if neither of you still loved each other and you knew it was going to take a whole lot of work and time to get that love back?

7. Avoid feeling guilty or accepting the blame.

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As much as you may believe that there are aspects of your personality that you would like to work on, do not blame yourself for your husband’s decision to leave you for another woman.

He acted based on his own views, feelings, and desires. It is on him, not you.

You might have tried your hardest to be a good wife, but it might still not have been enough.

He may have fallen out of love with you or fallen in love with someone else.

These are his feelings to own, not yours.

8. And definitely don’t absolve him of guilt in an attempt to get him to come back.

A woman in a mustard sweater kneels on the floor, crying and clinging to the leg of a man standing beside her with a suitcase. The scene appears to take place in a living room with a couch and lamp in the background.

While you are partly responsible for the state of your marriage, it’s not all down to you.

And if you insist that you can be the woman he wants you to be, you are not only coming across as desperate, but you are setting yourself up for future issues when you realize you cannot live up to every single expectation he has.

You should also understand that if you say you can change to accommodate his wishes, you are apportioning most of the blame for your separation on you, and absolving him of responsibility. This does two things. Firstly, it confirms in his mind that you are not the right woman for him anymore because you are telling him that it is you who needs to change, not him.

Secondly, it makes him feel less regret about leaving you which makes him less likely to feel compelled to come back, even if his new relationship doesn’t work out.

So, yes, ask yourself whether there are some healthy methods of self-improvement that you might engage in, but don’t compromise who you are just to please him.

9. Comparing yourself to the new woman in his life is a pointless exercise.

A woman with long blonde hair and a blue shirt looks upset in the foreground. In the background, a couple is embracing and smiling at each other. The woman's facial expression suggests feelings of sadness or jealousy.

It can be very tempting to look at the other woman and think that she is better than you in some way. After all, your husband left you for her, so she must have something you don’t, right?

WRONG!

We all have our good points and we all have our flaws. These make up a part of who we are.

Trying to figure out why your husband now prefers her mixture of good and bad points over yours is a fruitless exercise.

What you should do instead is focus on building up your self-esteem which will have undoubtedly taken a knock from all this.

One of the key things to look at is improving your self-talk, particularly in relation to your marriage and your worth as a wife.

Don’t keep thinking or saying that you weren’t a good wife or that you aren’t lovable.

Switch to more positive messages about yourself and how you are worthy of being loved and treated with respect. That you have the qualities of a great partner to someone new whenever that person may enter your life.

You should also find ways to embrace the control you have over your life rather than allowing yourself to drift in some kind of post-marriage limbo.

Now is the time to ask how your new-found freedom might allow you to do something you’ve always wanted to do or change the direction of your life entirely.

It’s empowering to realize the control you have – that you’ve always had – and it can make this difficult situation feel more positive.

10. You should forgive him, but for your own benefit, not his.

A black-and-white close-up of a person deep in thought, resting their chin on their hand. They have curly hair and are looking through metal bars into the distance with a contemplative expression.

When your husband left you for another woman, it will have probably hurt a great deal.

So forgiveness might be the last thing on your mind.

But forgiveness is not for him; it’s for you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget what he did, or say it was okay. It doesn’t ignore the pain he has caused, nor does it mean you have to mend your relationship with him.

Forgiveness is about releasing the emotional burden his leaving has caused you.

It’s about saying, “This will not affect me anymore.”

It is about closing the chapter on your past and starting a new one that you can be the author of.

Forgiveness is something anyone can work on. Here is another of our articles that goes through the process:

How To Forgive Someone: 2 Science-Based Models Of Forgiveness

11. You need to accept the reality of the situation.

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If you have decided that your marriage is over and that you will not take your husband back, even if he comes groveling, you’ve got to accept the hell out of that truth.

You cannot move on from the marriage if you still cling on to any hope – no matter how slim – that you can ever rebuild it.

You may experience the stages of grief just as you would when you lose a loved one.

This is okay. Your marriage represented something that was important to you and your husband is someone you love or once loved.

These are big things to suddenly be gone from your life and so it will take some time to come to terms with it.

If it helps to make things feel more final, you can be the one to file for divorce and get the ball rolling on that formality.

This is an empowering act of acceptance because you are taking charge of the situation to prevent if from dragging out.

Make sure you remove all of his belongings from your home – first by allowing him to take whatever he still wants to keep, and then by throwing the rest out or giving it to charity.

If you have children, be sure to sit them down and discuss how there is no chance of their mom and dad getting back together.

Having to actually speak those words aloud can make it feel more real and final.

12. It’s ok to seek counseling if you are struggling.

A woman with dark hair sits on a couch with her knees drawn up, hugging her knees and resting her head on her arms. She appears to be upset or in distress, wearing a light gray sweater and jeans. The background is softly lit.

It can be really tough to face the breakdown of your marriage, particularly as you will have to do most of it alone.

As much as your friends and family might try to support you, it is you who will have to go through the practical and emotional process of separating your life from your now ex-husband’s life.

And as much as they may try to say the right things to you, most people don’t have the ability to remain neutral. You may find them contributing to your pain by fuelling your ill-feeling toward your husband by saying horrible things about him.

You may also not feel comfortable talking about your true feelings to those closest to you.

Instead, you will almost certainly find a counselor more helpful in terms of the advice they give and your ability to pour out all of your feelings without the need to hide how much you may be struggling.