Many Couples Don't Realize They're Drifting Apart Until These 12 Things Happen

Could you be drifting apart without realizing it?

A woman with long brown hair and a gray sleeveless turtleneck looks directly at the camera. In the background, a man with brown hair and a denim shirt stands slightly out of focus. The setting appears to be outdoors.

It’s always sad when couples suddenly realize they’re drifting apart. They often ask themselves (and each other) how they got to that point, especially if the decline has been gradual. The 12 things listed here are some of the most common indicators that a couple is headed towards a breakup.

1. Living as though they’re housemates.

A woman with red hair sits on a couch, resting her chin on her hand, looking thoughtful and slightly distressed. A man with greying hair sits beside her, turned away and looking out the window. Both appear to be in a tense or reflective mood.

They might cook and eat meals separately instead of eating at the table together, or spend all their time in separate rooms. Similarly, they might do their own laundry without asking if the other person has stuff to wash, and only attend respective family gatherings on their own, instead of as a couple.

2. Discomfort with various aspects of personal intimacy.

A man and a woman are lying on a bed with their heads next to each other, looking upward. The man wears a light green shirt, and the woman is in a white top. Both appear relaxed and thoughtful, set against the neutral tones of the bedspread.

Loving couples are usually quite comfortable being naked around one another. In contrast, those who are drifting apart might feel self-conscious or even uncomfortable if their partner sees them undressed. On a similar note, physical intimacy might suddenly feel incestuous—like you’re kissing your sibling or cousin instead of your partner.

3. Increased tension and bickering.

A man and a woman are having an intense argument in a living room. The man, standing and dressed in a blue shirt, is raising his hand and appears frustrated. The woman, sitting on a couch and wearing a gray shirt, is gesturing back at him, looking upset.

They may see an increase in tensions, irritations, and overall bickering. We’re not talking about playful banter here, but rather annoyance at tiny perceived slights, with scathing criticism, sighing, and slamming. Things that never bothered them in the past are now monumental annoyances to be called out and snarled about.

4. Loss of emotional closeness.

A man and a woman stand side by side against a gray background, both with hands in their pockets. They are wearing light blue button-up shirts and blue jeans. The man has short brown hair, and the woman has blonde hair pulled back. Both have a neutral expression.

Couples who love each other will share (and show) closeness over the course of any given day. This could be a good morning hug in the kitchen, or an impromptu discussion on the porch over coffee or tea. In contrast, those who are drifting apart may simply nod and go about their own business without engaging.

5. Less discussion about how one another is feeling.

A woman with long blonde hair wearing a white shirt sits on a light-colored sofa, looking contemplative and resting her head on her hand. In the background, a man with short hair in a white shirt and jeans sits, looking away and slightly blurred.

People in healthy relationships check in to see how each other is feeling on a regular basis. They’re also more likely to express their emotions to keep one another in the know. When they’re drifting apart, however, they don’t really see the point of doing so: they don’t care, and don’t feel like sharing.

6. Favors and tasks have become transactional.

A woman with light brown hair rests her head on the shoulder of a man with short brown hair. They are standing close to each other, with the woman looking off into the distance. The background is blurry and appears to be an outdoor setting, possibly near water.

Whereas before, the two of them might have done nice things for one another simply because they love each other and wanted to be kind, these gestures now feel like obligations. As such, they may not be willing to do anything for each other unless they get something of equal value in return.

7. They don’t pay much attention to each other.

A man and woman sitting at a table with cups and cookies in front of them. The man is talking animatedly with hand gestures while the woman rests her head on her hand, appearing uninterested or bored. The setting is a kitchen with appliances and fruit in the background.

They might zone out during conversations, or get up and leave if a conversation doesn’t engage them. Alternatively, they might both be on their phones or doing other tasks instead of being present and engaging with one another. Although seated side by side, they might as well be in separate countries.

8. Difficult issues are discussed with friends or family members rather than each other.

A young woman and an older woman are sitting on a couch having a serious conversation. The young woman has brown hair and is wearing a white polka dot shirt and jeans. The older woman has gray hair and is wearing a beige cardigan and glasses. Shelves with plants and decor are in the background.

In a strong, healthy relationship, partners will discuss issues with each other so they can work on them as a team and move forward together. When they’re drifting apart, however, they turn to their friends, family members, acquaintances, or even colleagues as confidants instead of talking to each other.

9. Jealousy and resentment, even if attention is unwanted.

A man in a red sweater sits on a gray couch, engrossed in his smartphone. A woman with long blonde hair and wearing an orange blouse leans over from behind, seemingly curious about what he is looking at. Shelves with books and decor are in the background.

If intimacy hasn’t been present for a long time, both partners may feel jealous and/or resentful when their significant other spends time with other people. Even if their relationships are completely platonic, they’ll feel envious that someone else is getting the attention and closeness they’ve been denied for so long.

10. Changed goals for the future.

A man and a woman sit closely together, with the man gently resting his arm around the woman's shoulder. The woman appears thoughtful, looking downwards, while the man looks at her with concern. Both are casually dressed and positioned in a softly lit environment.

When the two of them got together, they may have bonded over all the things they had in common—including dreams and goals they had for their future together. Now, either one or both of them may have different ideas about where they see themselves, and they aren’t on the same page.

11. Musing (or even asking about) what life would be like without each other.

A man and a woman sit on a couch looking distressed. The man, with grey hair and a beard, has his hands clasped together and eyes closed. The woman, with shoulder-length brown hair, rests her head on her hands while looking down. Both appear deep in thought.

Many partners ask each other what they think life would be like if they weren’t together. Most of the time, they’d express sorrow at the thought of no longer being a couple. If they’ve been drifting apart, however, they may daydream about all the positive things they would experience after breaking up.

12. They’re both happier and more comfortable when apart.

A woman with long dark hair is sitting on a light-colored couch, holding a white mug with both hands. She is wearing a teal sweater and looking thoughtfully to her left. In the background, there are shelves with various items and a bright, airy room.

Whereas time spent together might be tense and fraught with expectation, spending time apart is relaxing and rejuvenating. As a result, both look forward to the time they’ll get to spend alone, and brace for negativity when in each other’s company. On a fundamental level, they’re less stressed, anxious, or uncomfortable when they’re by themselves.