Are you jealous of your friends?
When you think about your close friends, how do you feel about them? You probably care about them deeply since they’re your friends, but how do you feel when you think about their lives?
Do you feel happy for them and proud of them when they attain or achieve something important? Or do you feel huge waves of jealousy?
It’s not uncommon to feel envious of one’s friends on occasion, but it’s not healthy if jealousy is the primary emotion you experience when you think about people you claim are your friends.
There are a number of reasons why we feel jealous of our friends at times. Although these will vary depending on the people and circumstances, most of the underlying factors will have commonalities.
1. You feel that there’s a disparity in fairness.
It’s difficult not to feel jealousy or envy if someone else achieves things effortlessly when you’ve worked yourself to the bone to attain the same thing. It’s even worse if you’ve spent years trying to achieve something and fell short of the mark while someone else gets the same thing handed to them without any effort on their part.
Things get uglier if that person doesn’t even want what’s being handed to them and they treat their good fortune frivolously or ungraciously.
Alternatively, you may feel jealous of the fact that they’ve experienced things in their personal lives that you haven’t.
A person who grew up in an abusive family and has no further contact with their relatives might feel jealous when they see that their friends have supportive, close-knit family members who obviously love and cherish them. In contrast, someone raised in a strict household may envy another’s freedom.
Similarly, it can be difficult if you’re lonely or haven’t had intimacy with another person for a long time, while your friend has a veritable buffet of potential partners to choose from. That feeling is rather like being horribly hungry and watching your friend gorge on amazing foods that are simply beyond your reach.
Life can be incredibly unfair at times, and it can be difficult to feel happy for others when they get everything that you’ve always wanted, while you feel as though you’ve gotten the short end of the stick every time.
2. They have skills or attributes that you don’t (or can’t) have.
A lot of people feel jealousy toward others because of enviable traits or skills that they’ll never have. You can easily wear colored contact lenses if you feel jealous about someone else’s iris color, but you won’t be able to grow a foot taller or change your skeletal structure. As a result, you may feel envy toward the friend who has a body type that you wish you had.
Similarly, you may feel jealous because your friend has a natural aptitude in a subject that you struggle with or can’t pursue for reasons beyond your control.
For example, you may have wished to be a pilot but couldn’t because you’re color blind, and thus feel pangs of envy about a friend of yours who pursued that path successfully.
Or they’ve had the means and ability to travel around the world (which you’ve always wanted to do) and you’ve been stuck at home taking care of a sickly parent or being the breadwinner for your family.
It’s easy to feel resentment toward those who have the opportunity to do things that you’ve always wanted, while you’ve been thwarted at every turn for one reason or another.
3. You feel that life disparities have caused you to grow apart.
Some people are still close friends with those they went to elementary school with, while others drift apart. Usually when the latter happens, it’s because the people involved have taken different life paths and either can’t “keep up” with one another or don’t have things in common anymore.
Let’s say you were amazing friends with someone when you were younger, but they married into a higher economic class that you’ll never be able to attain.
As such, you might decline invitations to events they’re hosting because you feel that you’d be out of place or that you have nothing appropriate to wear. Besides, what would you talk about with the other attendees? Your lives are so different, it would be difficult to find common ground.
This definitely happened to me when I moved to a rural area. I didn’t have much in common with my city friends anymore, so our conversations ended up being awkward and halting. Furthermore, it can be trying when people talk about things you can’t relate to or have no way of attaining.
4. Their successes make you hyper-aware of your own shortcomings.
Nobody likes to feel like a failure or a loser, but some circumstances can make you feel that way—especially if and when you compare yourself to others.
Let’s say you go to visit a friend’s place and notice that they have a ton of martial arts trophies displayed in cases in the living room or several degrees framed on the wall.
Your immediate response might be to make an insulting remark under the guise of “just joking,” such as suggesting that this is their “I’m better than you” wall. Or you might ask them if they feel the need to display all of those awards to overcompensate for something, nudge/wink.
Alternatively, you might mock you friends for adhering to a strong workout protocol and getting super fit and healthy, especially if you’re a couch potato who’s always making excuses about why you don’t have a healthier lifestyle.
Your friends have put a ton of time and effort into their achievements, with sacrifice and discipline as top priorities. Their success puts a spotlight on your lack thereof. As such, you might tease them about suddenly being shallow, stupid gym rats or attention seekers.
Saying things like this can be far more damaging than you realize. From your perspective, you may be feeling shitty because they’ve attained things that you haven’t (especially if this is due to personal laziness or other lack of motivation), so you need to make yourself feel better by putting them down.
Of course, this is also true if you’ve put a ton of effort into your own pursuits but never got the shiny medal or public accolades the way they have.
By insulting or mocking your friends and implying that what they’ve done was either insignificant or useless, you’re basically invalidating their achievements.
They may feel an immense sense of joy every time they look at those trophies or remember how they felt when their PhD panel approved their thesis, but now every time they look at them those good memories will be replaced by your bitter words.
I doubt that’ll make you feel better about yourself in the long run, but it’ll certainly have the effect of souring your relationship.
On a similar note:
5. You may be resentful because they didn’t make the same crappy choices you did.
We all do things that we end up regretting later—some more so than others. Unfortunately, hindsight is usually 20/20, and we may not be aware of the consequences of our dumbass decisions until years later.
Don’t get me wrong: some shitty choices make themselves known immediately. For example, getting that forehead tattoo might have been a great idea in the moment, but you’ll likely start to regret it within a few hours. Days at most.
In contrast, deciding to spend your inheritance on beer and video games might have been a lot of fun when you were in your late teens, but once you hit 30, you’ll kick yourself for not having invested that money in property or education.
As such, if your friends had similar choices ahead of them and went for the wiser path rather than the impulsive and frivolous one, you may feel jealous about their logic and foresight. You might even find all manner of excuses as to why you chose as you did instead, blaming others for your behavior instead of taking accountability for it.
6. “Grass is greener” syndrome.
Many people look at what others own or have experienced and feel intense pangs of jealousy that they don’t have the same things. The thing is, they rarely examine their motivations for feeling said jealousy—more often than not, they don’t even want what those others have.
If they asked themselves if they’d sincerely prefer to do or have that other thing, there’s a strong chance they’d say, “well actually, no.” Where the jealousy springs from here is that they see other people experiencing great joy with what they have, and they want to experience it as well.
It doesn’t matter that the circumstances are different. They see something they perceive as good or better than what they have and they want it.
A perfect example of this is from the film adaptation of The Count of Monte Cristo. In it, wealthy Fernand grows up alongside the poor but noble Edmond and envies everything he has. Even though he had opulent wealth and all he ever wanted, Fernand felt he deserved more and clamored to attain what others had.
When they were children, Fernand got a horse for his birthday while Edmond received a simple toy whistle. Fernand was so envious of the delight that Edmond experienced with his new toy that he stole it from him.
Dude got a horse, but since he didn’t have the same degree of joy as his so-called friend, he tried to steal that happiness for himself. Imagine his frustration when the item didn’t grant him that same delight.
If you feel similarly in situations like this, try to determine why you can’t feel happy for others without wanting their happiness for yourself.
It’s possible that factors in your life are preventing you from experiencing authentic fulfillment, thus you end up feeling that if you can’t be happy with your lot in life then others should have to suffer as well. By extension, if someone else feels joy because of an item or experience, then you should bloody well have it too.
7. You’re naturally competitive.
Whether you were raised to be competitive with your siblings and peers, or you come by that trait innately, you may find that you’re constantly striving to one-up those around you—even people you care about deeply.
As such, any time they do or achieve something you value, you want it as well. See this as the adult version of the kid who yells, “ME TOO!” on the playground or demands presents on their sibling’s birthdays so they don’t feel left out.
This behavior implies that you’re too focused on other people’s lives and need to redirect that energy back toward yourself. We all have different strengths and characteristics, as well as individual pursuits. How can you make the most of your life when you’re hyper focused on others?
8. You’re in a bad place right now.
It’s possible that you’re feeling jealous toward your friends because you’re in a bad spot and you don’t know how or when you’ll get out of it. You may be feeling small and afraid, and those feelings manifest as anger or jealousy. These reactions may be completely unintentional, but you can’t help but feel that way.
As a result, you may not be able to stop yourself from making disparaging remarks when they mention their good fortune. You may also feel compelled to one-up them in an attempt to make yourself feel better about your current circumstances.
While these reactions are understandable, they can be harmful to your friendship. Nobody wants to be around someone whose life makes them feel terrible about their own. Conversely, few people enjoy feeling that they have to downplay their joy or achievements so as to avoid upsetting others around them.
Finally…
We only have so much time and energy while we’re here on Earth—don’t waste it feeling negatively toward others. Envy can be rather like an uncontrolled forest fire. Don’t allow yourself to become some of the conquered territory it rolls over and consumes. You’re not the only one who’ll end up injured in its wake, and the havoc it’ll wreak may have long-lasting consequences.
